
H 



Letters of > 

A Japanese Schoolboy 

( ' ' Haskimura Togo ' ' ) 

BY 

WALLACE IRWIN 

Author of **The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,'* ** Shame of the 
Colleges," ** Nautical Lays of a Landsman,*' etc. 

Illustrated by RoUin Kirby 




New York 

Doubleday, Page & Company 

1909 



LIBPAKY ct GONG'^ESS 
Iwo Ccuies Received 

FEB 13 1909 

Copyriifnt Entry 

cuss ow ^-'^t^' t^O' 
COPY J. 






ALL SIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION 
INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN 

COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON 

COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, I909 




BLwWWWWMWBW^^ 





^"•rr 


/^^ 


^ 


Mi 


* 








I^^p 


fi 




^P 




^^m 


^«^ 


^^M A 






/^ilc 


— 1^ 


r&Jt 


J5^Kj!^^iJ| 








m^ 


r^ 


^> 


^l\i] 








^p 


ji 


^ 


^^ 




w^^ 


1%^ 


s 






» 






w^ 


VT^.T-' 


^^ 




^^^^y 


^^4o 




^"j 


^s^ 


h'. 


8 


^' 


■^ 



" Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless 
Japanese way " 

— The Mikado 



CONTENTS 



I. Our Noble Allies ... 3 

11. The Honourable War Cloud . 11 

III. The Yellow Peril ... 19 

IV. Lady SutFergettes and How 

They Do It . . . 26 

V. The Financial Breakdown . 37 
VI. Hon. Niggers, Was They Freed 

by Lincoln ? ... 46 
VII. Hon. Simple Life Among Ambas- 
sadors • • • • 55 
VIII. A Third Term for Our Emperor 63 
IX. Hon. Modesty: Is it a Disease? 71 
X. Spring ..... 80 
XI. Education in American Language 90 
XII. The Visit of the Fleet to San 

Francisco .... 98 

XIII. Flighty Navigation of Air . 107 

XIV. The Conventional Meeting of 

Reps in Chicago . . 118 

XV. America's Bang up Ceremony . 128 

XVI. Can Africa Wait till March 4th ? 138 

vii 



VIU 



LETTERS OF A 



XVII. 


The Hon. Gasolene 


XVIII. 


America's Base Game of Ball 


XIX. 


Is a Vice-Pres Nearly a King.? 


XX. 


My Conception of the Presi- 




dency . . . . 


XXI. 


How American Advertisement 




Does It . 


XXII. 


Olympus Games and Interna- 




tional Cement . 


XXIII. 


Outside Exercises for Health . 


XXIV. 


Can Hon. North Pole be 




Detected .? . . . 


XXV. 


High Tariff on Princes . 


XXVI. 


The Servant Problemb . 


XXVII. 


The Feetsteps of Science 


xx\aii. 


The Hon. Mars . 


XXIX. 


Standard Oiling across Party 




Lines . . . . 


XXX. 


The Hon. Bomb . 


XXXI. 


Enjoyment of Hunger Among 




Poor Mans 


XXXII. 


The Alcoholic Temperance 




Movement 


XXXIII. 


The Saloon in Our Town 


XXXIV. 


Election Day 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 



IX 



XXXV. 


Fall Hats and the Ladies 






Inside of Them 


323 


XXXVI. 


Feetball for MoUycuddles . 


333 


XXXVII. 


Will Hon. So. Dakota Be a 






Blissful Married State ? . 


342 


CXXVIII. 


Hon. Mary Christmas . 


352 


XXXIX. 


The Annual New Year 


363 



CHARACTERS 
CAST UP BY THIS BOOK 

Hashimura Togo — 35 -year aged Japanese 
Schoolboy. 

Cousin Nogi — educated in horseracing & 
relidgeon. 

Arthur Kickahajama — missionary boy. 

Hon. Strunsky — Irish salooner. 

Uncle Nichi — Japanese strawseed who come to 
America to be less so. 

Mrs. Lusy Macdonald — complete angel of 286 
pounds beauty. 

Little Annie Anazuma — of kindergarten intel- 
ligence. 

I. Anazuma — Japanese shave-proprietor. 

J. FuRO — who is dead. 

G. W. McCann — prominent drunk. 

Sydney Katsu, Jr. — who go Harvard study 
mollycuddling. 

Miss Alice Furioki — wife to Cousin Nogi. 

Miss Evelyn Suki — dear friend & more even. 

Frank the Japanned Bootpolish. 



xu 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 



S. Wanda — Japanese Socialist. 
Whang So — China boy of sinful profile. 
H, SuNiGAWA — Talented Japanese Spy. 
Unknown Japanese — ^who call himself Charley 
Smith" to get job in a bank. 

Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bun- 
kio Saguchi, riots, baseballers, frequent wise 
Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk 
for the unions, editors. Napoleon Bonyparte 
& his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & other 
famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido. 




ILLUSTRATIONS 

"Therefor I entertain him to beer-cere- 
mony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, 
Irish patriot" .... Frontispiece 



'Good morning, Mr. Emperor/ say Hon. 

Ambassador" ..... 58 

'Would they fit me perhaps.?' I ask for 

vanity" ...... 72 

'Why all this yall about, unless of 
mania V I require to know from Hon. 
PoHce" 82 

When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf 
he say: 'What language is them wrote 
in .?' " . . . . . . 100 

But China!! such eye-pain of nations'" 102 

O banzai! whirr of angry rages from 

engine" . . . . . .110 

Loyal Sons of some fairish land parading 
under banner of the Nice Old Party 
with placards to show how harmoni- 
ous they feel" . . . . .120 



it i 
It 



xiv JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

PAGE 

"There I meet Motor Man who .... suf- 
focate me with international courtesy" 150 

"'I have a developed chest already/ 

snuggest Hon. Taft'' • . . 208 

"They should not make groups around 
him with scissors to cut away souvenirs 
from him" ..... 224 

"*I require to leave message for Cousin 

Charley at Washington' " . • . ^ 246 

"'O! Sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy 

a brainache this morning, thank you' '* 312 

"'Do not hide your light under a bushel 

basket,' are smart quotation for me" 326 

"'All of them persons is related to each 
other in some way and another — some 
by proxy, some by regret' " . . 340 

"Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow'' . • 344 



Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy 



Letters of 
A Japanese Schoolboy 



OUR NOBLE ALLIES 

San Francisco, November 4th. 
To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is 
much widely read New York newspaper. 

Dear Sir — I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 
35 years & I come to this Free Country for some 
following reason: 

1. To save up money for old age. 

2. To learn so much I can. 

3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding 

house of Mrs. C. W. O'Brien, honourable 

lady. 

I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in 

hospital enjoying much pain from brick-bat 

wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also 

I am not attending school for some time. 

If your Highness will permit such correspon- 
dence I will ask some Question which I will 

3 



4 LETTERS OF A 

answer myself so as to save too much trouble 
for your valuable time. Thank you. 

Some frequent Professors are asking the ques- 
tion now: Will White Man and Yellow Man ever 
mix ? I answer Yes because I have knowledge 
of the affair. They mix once in San Francisco, 
they mix once in Vancouver. But such mixing 
is not good-healthy for the human race because it 
makie broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia 
and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese 
gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman 
with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know. 

I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman 
because my Teacher tell me America and Japan 
are Noble Allies. Are we not this .? Hon. 
Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these 
truth. He state to Admiral Togo, "We are Noble 
Allies,'' and Admiral Togo response, " If we shall 
not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.'' 
Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make tear- 
drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai! 

Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was 
wounded by brick-bat from one Noble Ally 
name Casey. Bottles was also used on head 
which were unfortunate. 

So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble 
Allies than any other country. France, England, 
these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia, 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 5 

Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight 
in our behaviour. Also Corea. The most 
strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England 
who gives day-and-night thought to m.aking all 
Japanese comfortable. London newspaper weep 
for shame when San Francisco labour man drop 
building material on head of Japanese gentleman. 
London newspapers arrange their editorial full 
with considerable pity. Yes, please. England 
man loves Japanese man with much distinction 
because both are brothers by germ, are they not ? 
Also affinities. 

My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from 
San Francisco because he might reside away from 
the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British 
Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono 
Ba-rber Shop under the so glorious British banner. 
This is protection for all weak persons. I am 
therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I 
read this telegraph from my cousin Nogi. 

To Hashimura TogOy San Francisco: 

Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven 
wounded. All well. Please send shot gun. 

Nogi. 

I think so continuously concerning my cousin 
enjoying trouble from that cordial Great Britain 
that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing 
bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death 



6 LETTERS OF A 

more easily by making the following poetical 
thought which I mailed to the King of England 
who lives in London: 

ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE 
BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON 

America man he strike for pay, 
Japanese work for a dollar a day. 
We like all much work can do — 
You like Jap boy work for you ? 

Yes, sir, thank you, I come now: 

Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how. 

O so sorry no can stay — 

Yes, please, come again soon — good day! 

London paper say, " Jap nice, 
Fight much, think much, eat much rice.'* 
England love us, so we heard — 
What for Canada say bad word ? 

Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft; 
Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft. 
O so happy come round quick — 
What for Canada throw Big Stick ? 

We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan. 
Learn speak English soon we can. 
We be good boy, so polite. 
Trot all daytime, think all night. 

Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss. 

We like Canada — you like us? 

O so sorry must go way — 

Yes, please — come again soon some day I 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 7 

I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical 
thought which must be there somewhere in English 
postoffice soon. 

Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is 
requested for reply from almost every white mind 
of prominence. I will answer with several reason 
from my own vocabulary: 

1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & 

Stenography. 

2. To cement that Friendship of nations and 

keep grocery store. 

3. To attend horse-racing contests. 

4. To learn American Manners 

5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & 

Humoristic Literature from Sunday papers. 

6. To go back to Japan. 

Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather 
recently about a warfare which we enjoyed with 
our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to 
love us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. 
Roosevelt, then taught us how the peace may be 
manufactured and we have done so ever since. 
If you did not read of this in papers I will send 
you clippings from the Shimbun of Tokyo. 
We are sending the glad hand of fellowship 
around to all white persons, but I can not do so 
this week because the brick-bat wound I said to 
you about is in my right wrist. 



8 LETTERS OF A 

Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke 
something with Hon. Strunsky, the Delegate who 
Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen 
has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been 
Setting down on them occasions seen by me. I 
went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at 
his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry 
sudden. 

"Please,'' I enquiry, "let Japanese Boy to 
plumbing union. I am able to plumb with 
intelligence.'' 

"You make me tired," he retorted back. 

"Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself 
with fatigue let Japanese Boy have your job. 
My cousin is ambitious for such a situation." 

"Beat it!" response Hon. Strunsky. 

I could not assimulate that word he said it. 

"What should he beat.f^" was question for me. 

"You beat yourself around block — skiddoo!" 
explained honourable Delegate gentleman. 

When he was explaining these things in war- 
cry voice so all could understand Mr. Carbonetti, 
an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist with 
a small piece of House which was not then built. 
I spoke "Banzai!" and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor 
of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with leaps 
and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while 
O. Takura, my cousin's grandfather, stopped Mr. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 9 

Strunsky's speeches with some kindhng-wood. 
Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and 
Japanese Boys present much regretted they did 
not wear any umbrella. 

That is some ways it happened. 

Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks 
for the Unions to say so ? For was he not often 
remarking there was no place for Japanese 
gentleman in the American business ? He does 
not know the statistick like the Japanese states- 
man may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, 
Walt Whitman of Fuji, say so ? 

The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, 

Furniture, Noise, Literature, Diseases, 
That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall 

bedroom, or in the kitchen, or in the oellar under the kitchen, 
Or in the ice-box under the stairs 
For the Good, 

the Beautiful 

and the True. 
Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes 

room for the Humble Deserving 
And even a Parrot 

May be allowed in the Apartment House. 
Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it ,s yellow ? 

Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown ? 

Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger 

because of race, colour or previous condition of servitude ? 
He does not, neither do they. 
Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to 

dog. 
It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory. 



10 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says 
how, but something Hke so. America has room 
for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great 
public offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to 
the drama and the clothing store, the Italian 
gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, 
the German gentleman to attend to the large 
sausage interests of the country. The Japanese 
gentleman, then, what does he require in this 
so great commonwealth ? Sometimes something, 
sometimes something different. To nail the 
shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, 
to run the banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the 
states. Anywhere you require his usefulness he 
will be so happy to be there. 

Hoping your Highness understands plainly 
to know how I think these things here, and love 
to all. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



II 

THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD 

San Francisco, November i6th. 
To Editor of New York newspaper^ enlightened 
printer who manufacture Truth for all thought- 
ful Person: 

Dear Sir — I so happy, thank you, esteemed 
Mr., for you Hsten to how I say so in my last letter. 
Therefore I am much obliged to you for several 
more intelligent Question which I will ask you 
what is. 

During my residence in Hospital to enjoy 
brick-bat wound sent there by Labouring Union, 
I give some large quantities of thought-attention 
to future life. What business would be swiftest 
for making success of it ^. Waiting on table- 
board of Mrs. O'Brien, honourable lady, is repul- 
sive to proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which 
would be better for me: To learn to be Christian 
Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and 
stenography .^ Both ways lead to good jobs. 

My cousin Nogi, who return from British 
Colurhbia leaving front teeth with English friends 
there, say, ^^ Missionary jobs are no longer needed 



12 LETTERS OF A 

for Japan, because our dear country already 
have rapid-fire fleet and stand-up army sufficient 
to make all Japanese Christians/^ 

"What date is arrange for this Japan-America 
war to be shot oflF?'' I ask for answer. 

"Not yet but when!'' response this Nogi mak- 
ing eyewink, American salute. 

"In such a warfare which kingdom would 
beat it ?'' is next question for me. 

"Frequently one and then some," collapse 
Nogi, who think as I do. 

Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, 
could you so courteously remind Japanese Boy 
of exact date for such warfare .? If there is any 
announcement in your press of this battle would 
you send me clipping, address Hospital ? Such 
an answer would be delightful to know for all- 
coloured races. Political man, labour-union 
man, newspaper-press all have brain-ache ques- 
tioning. When. You will permit me, please, to 
speak how I think so ? 

Japan-America war is impossible to happen! 
Banzai! All should be so happy in Hon. Carnegie 
talking-library at Hague. PhiHppine Island must 
be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other 
peaceable conquest. Perhaps American Con- 
gress will consider this nice birthday present to 
Emperor of Japan. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 13 

How I make this knowledge ? Because so. 
Japan could never secure these United States 
entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, 
Japanese barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might 
not capture New York from such great distance 
of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with 
New York when captured ? That is hard question 
for Japanese Boy. 

While residing in Hospital bed my cousin 
Nogi come to me bringing donation of banana- 
fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package 
enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am 
thankful for lunch, but more so thankful for 
reading-news on enwrapping. The information 
tell me nervously that fleet of ships commanded 
by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go around to the 
Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding 
Panama canal w^hich is less done. Must Japan 
shoot American ship for going to Pacific ocean ? 
This is question for editor. I answer. No, please! 
Pacific ocean still have too much water for Japan 
to cover with torpedo boats. Thank you, America 
fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle 
without angry rage from Tokyo government 
which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. Roose- 
velt is welcome to travel. 

Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to 
Japanese Boy. Is not some excitement interest- 



H 



LETTERS OF A 



ing to all-coloured races ? It would be fine 
engagement for Japan-America navies to come 
together sometime for slight shooting-scrape, 
because both have enjoyed very pleasant target- 
practice. America navy recently use boat of Hon. 
Adm. Cervera for excellent bull's eye. Japanese 
navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of 
Hon. Mr. Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan 
gunners score 97 out of possible 100 hits. Yet it 
are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to 
meet in angry rage, because they might be 
bursted by following brutal diagram: 




Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other 
Japanese Boys. When sick hand is well I am 
good for all fights. My friend, Arthur 
Kickahajama, missionary boy, is exceptional to 
this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite 
explosion to be bad for human race. He 
teach meek-eye as best disease for strong-arm. 
He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand 
to say, 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 15 

"Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon 
Japanese Boy, what then?'* 

" Hara-kiri ! '* I explain. "Japanese Boy 
deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. Casey.'* 

" So heathen thought ! " devote Arthur. " When 
brick-bat smite left cheek, right cheek is then 
presentable for more." 

To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. 
Arthur forgive such politeness and read me 
poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape: 

ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN 
HATS OF ALL EMPERORS 

Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics, 

Why is ? 

Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently 
catches it from gunpowder. 

What has occurred to your appearance ? 

What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin- 
feathers ? 

Where is the hair upon thy back and also 

Where has thy left eye went ? 

Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations. 

Why is thy matinee music-song 

So heartlus and without feet ? 

Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a 

leak in a bagpipe or like 
A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat! 
Hast thou a message for the world to know f J 
Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary! 
If so. 



i6 LETTERS OF A 

Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences. 

Tell us 

But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address 

Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary. 

Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one 

remaining eyeball, 
Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump 

of bit-off leg. 
And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: "Croak! 
"I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama: 
I have been delivered to Nations 
Bearing label handle without care ! 
How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers 
When Great Peacemakers 

Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun ? 
When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by 

sceptres, batted by big sticks ? 
Is there no Society of Prevention for This ? 

'*And yet I am here, Peace has arrived — 

But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn 

condition ? 
Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, 

eye-wash, salve. 
Thank you for arnica-poultice. Brother Missionary! 
Peace be with you — 
Croak!" 

Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys 
many bad traits which are loathsome to Japanese. 
You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect to 
worship the holy relic. In the American house- 
hold you worship the recent Baby with doctors, 
nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut of 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 17 

same all have spasms by joy. But when 
Grandparent injures the appendicitis he must 
enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to 
make will. 

In boarding house of Mrs. O'Brien there is one 
young lady which all other eaters at the table- 
board call ^^ Grandma" because of her immense 
age. All young gentlemen there talk humoristical 
anecdote, smile, eat candy with young ladies of 
more recent birth. While youthly ladies are do- 
ing this Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight 
reading Mrs. Humply Ward book. 

I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen 
studying American grammar. **Why should not 
Young Lady be object of pious regard because 
of great age.?*" I frequently enquire for answer. 

One evening I put on frockaway coat and make 
call to Miss Grandma. 

"Hon. young lady," I refer, "yes, ma'am, 
excuse me, sir! Would you tell one questioning 
to Japanese Boy?" 

"Surely, Mister Togo," she response. "What- 
ever is ? " 

"Oftenly" I relate, "I am attractive to your 
honourable notice setting lonesome under lamp- 
light. May I call sometime for lonesome 
company ?" 

"You are kind gentleman. Mister Togo," 



i8 LETTERS OF A 

she beseech. "Yes, you can come often for lone- 
some call/^ 

"Thank you, sir,'' I say, "you are regardless. 
I come so often kitchen duties prevent it.'' 

She give me smiHng expression peculiar to 
American lady of any oldness. 

"Tell me this answer," she inquisitive softly. 
"What qualities in myself make you such 
admiration ?" 

" I admire you because of Japanese," I response. 
"For in Japan we are taught to reverence the Old 
Age." 

She throw Humply Ward book to me, then 
strike me with lamp-light. Fire extinguished by 
means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make 
my soul enquire about things. 

Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts 
on printing-press without danger, and love to 
family and friends. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — I am taking lessons in harmonica 
playing of which Hospital nurse Flynn is Prof. 
He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. 
Cohen entitled "The Rag Which We Revere." 
Your Constitution must feel very nervous follow- 
ing that Cohen Flag! H. T. 



Ill 

THE YELLOW PERIL 

San Francisco, November 22d. 
To New York newspaper management and such 
as are doing it there. 

Dear Printer — I am enjoying great poverty 
from employment which is missing this week, 
thank you. 

This conversation for you to listen: 

"Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing 
so!" That spoken with screeches by Mrs. C. W- 
O'Brien, honourable lady. 

"Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,'' I resume 
to her, "why you neglect to allow Japanese 
Boy any more wait on table-board at your 
establishment V 

"Because this," she demand, "lazy stupor of 
brain unfit Japanese Boy for such jobs. During 
three weeks of time you remain in hospital to enjoy 
pain. You think of book study more than deliver- 
ing soup to my table-eaters. Some others must 
carry coffee-dish for this employment. Therefore 
exit from these house!" 

"Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.," I report, 

19 



20 LETTERS OF A 

*^what person shall obtain job when I have went 
from here ?" 

''One China boy I have got him more intelligent 
as you for half price to do it," she refer. 

I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I 
observe Whang So, one China boy of sinful profile. 
I make race-riot inside of me, but peace-treaty 
outside. 

"Honourable Mrs. O'Brien,'^ I say with smiling 
expression, ''good day, so sorry, thank you so 
much!" Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and 
trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese 
hardware. 

"Thank you for something durable to handle," 
I say to this Jigo Furo. 

"This stove-poker is recommended for all use," 
he response. It surely was truthful. I take it 
away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of 
sinful profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. 
O'Brien when asked for. 

"Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you 
have national characteristics of one potato.?*" I 
relapse. 

" You go way, no good ! " he reserve with impolite 
expression of Oriental. 

For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang 
So, give him jiu jitsu to porch and tie him with 
abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. W. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 21 

O'Brien where he may be found. This things I 
done to Whang So as race-riot to Chinese persons 
which is no good for America by following statistick : 

1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently. 

2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, 

bookkeeping and stenography. 

3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy. 

4. They are a Yellow Peril. 

I have given some brain-study to this Yellow 
Peril to make sure it is a bad blessing for these 
Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans 
of all-colour enjoy fear of such ? Answer is, No! 
Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus is Yellow Peril. All 
Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. 
We have been there to try it. If white Caucasian 
fear such a Peril Japanese will promise to chase it 
away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement 
for Japanese Boy who know how. 

All persons should be kept out of this kindgom 
who can not show good-coloured complexions at 
ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, dynamite 
& congress should be shot off to prevent landing 
of such trash like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese 
of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & Hindus must 
also be prevented from escaping into this country. 
Christian ships must take these complexions back 
to original islands where they belongs. This is 
best good for all human races. 



22 LETTERS OF A 

Many negro persons of Southern States is 
also Yellow Peril, but these can not enjoy 
exclusion, because there is no place to exclude 
them to. 

But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be 
written down for this list. Derby hat, American 
pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him com- 
pletely white of complexion and able to vote for 
President when asked to know how. Please do 
not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will 
not be there. He is doing things by each day that 
makes folks white. Let Japanese help to do push- 
out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this 
country together with others patriots of star-stripe 
banner Yankee-doodle dandy, banzai! 

I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which 
I know of my knowledge. 

I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman 
name of Whee who reside in cellar of this city. 
He do not change his clothing which is economical. 
He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. 
To approach Mr. Whee with hygiene is too danger- 
ous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not 
fear this Corean gentleman, because he shall 
never take no work from nobody. When not 
hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming 
of ancestors. He will also be one soon. When I 
observe such Corean patriot approaching to me 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 23 

I choose next street, thank you. This man is 
Yellow Peril of bright colour. 

In one more cellar, close to where this Corean 
citizen reside, there sleep one Polish gentleman 
name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is 
notable for forgetfulness in washing. Two times 
each year he is removed by health Board, but this 
is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial 
income collecting second-handed cigarettes. 
When he obtain sufficient whiskey-drunk there is 
warcry from his downstairs residence and which- 
ever furniture he can discover to break is throwed 
on street to strike by-passing pedestrians. Mr. 
Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit this 
American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark 
colour, because soiled. 

Which is more better citizen, thank you — Mr. 
Whee of opium smoking and Gumowsky of 
whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, 
frockaway coat and all other white manners of 
civilized ation ? 

On evening time of last Thursday night Japan- 
ese branch of Chinese Exclusion League meet for 
church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where good 
time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as 
escort Miss Mabel Sanjijo who he are engaged to 
marry when divorced. I delivered to this gaiety 
Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow 



24 LETTERS OF A 

extraction. All Japanese Boys was present with 
other national ladies. Rev. Hon. Chillworthy, 
American missionary, make all happy by com- 
ing late. 

Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement 
by songing, "I love you the same long years ago 
when first I meet you on the village green." Song- 
ing listened at with patience by all. Japanese 
solo was next performed on phonograf. Arthur 
Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for 
excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy " post- 
office" game to practise kissing, American salute. 
When this was subsided I made so nervous as to 
read following poetickal thought: 

ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF 
YELLOW PERIL 

Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please. 

Make it nice and easy for stay out. 
Punish naughty China for that sin, please, 

Show what for you mean such things about. 
Chop chop head of Chinese immigration. 

Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man. 
Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation. 

(That give room for persons from Japan.) 

Swift-kick China off your map, 
Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap! 

Ship the negro person to some island — 
That will solve one problem pretty quick. 

Make the Injuns live upon a highland 

Scared for to come down by that Big Stick. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 25 

Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation, 
Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome; 

Clean this land of foreign immigration — 
Then the Japanese Boy feel at home. 

Shoot the Yellow Peril — boom! — 
Then the Jap Boy have more room. 

After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy 
nearly made talk-speech. He was just saying 
it about "Higher Life for Japanese Boy^^ when 
something happen which was too bad. Whang So, 
China boy, enter with two cousins, Whang Get 
and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. 
Banzais could be seen everywhere as chandeliers, 
etc., flew to heads of China boys while those 
nationality was departing through windows. 
After these Chinese Exclusion act was performed 
this church sociable busted up with prayers and 
ice cream. 

Hoping you are the same. Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Mr. Editor, would you put following 
wedding notice in paper of yours ? 

"Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be 
marriaged to Miss Alice Furioki of Tokyo, same 
place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, 
S. F. This excitement will take place when job 
is found for Japanese Boy which is not now 
doing so." H. T. 



IV 

LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT 

San Francisco, December 12th. 

Editor "New York newspaper who enjoys great 
delight while reading all poetry ^ story 
writings which he send back to Author with 
smiling excuses : 

Dearest Sir — What say that great poeter, 
Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies ? He say 
as follows: 

"O ladies, during idle moments 
Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression, 
Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along 
You are very skilful about being an Angel!" 

Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice 
Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies. 

Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by 
sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, 
since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female 
gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and 
downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave 
of gentlemankind from i o'clock of history to 
present date; they has been personal dry-goods of 

26 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 27 

them tyrants of male descent without no privileges 
except following: 

1. To tell husband what-time to get up by 

morning. 

2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier 

by evenings ? 

3. To require, "What drunk are you carrying 

on breath ?'' 

4. To save wages for him by spending it. 

5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating 

of brain. 

6. To select more fashionable friends for him. 

7. To explain to him when he is foolish in 

business. 

8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, 

etc., for which he must vote it. 

After doing them slavery for such numberous 
looos of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoy- 
ing angry rage about them downtroddery. They 
wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because 
husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do 
it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be 
President. 

So considerable Suffergetting is being did by 
ladies who learn to do it. 

Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat 
from London where it is always spoken with a 



28 LETTERS OF A 

English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be 
admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 
35 years time can learn to SufFergette if she is quiet 
about it and listen to speaker while she is being 
arrested. This is how to do it most often: 

English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots 
arrive to America dressed silently in pink opera 
cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds 
herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes 
on bass drum for fear someone might notice her. 
On steps of that learned bookery she array her 
feetsteps and make following speech: 

"Oh!!" 

With immediate quickness platoon of police 
make military formation, reserves is brought out, 
still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday is 
called in all dressmakers' establishments. Dele- 
gates arrive from Daughters of Rebecca, Neices 
of American Revolution, little Mothers' Associa- 
tion, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to 
complete tallness and say, 

''Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! 
Already we are ten million strong, and I see Con- 
gressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse- 
girls and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger 
than we was. Let us forward, then, to Liberty 
or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot 
around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 29 

be punctuated with screams and Earth shall be 
scattered with hair-pins/' 

So procession of Lady SufFergettes make for- 
ward motion in publick street. Following is line 
of marching which they keeps : 

First Division, Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel 
Johnson, Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily 
McGee, Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky. These 
eminent statesladies is mounted on red automobiles 
and carry one delicious canary-colour SufFergette 
flag embroideries of organization-motto ^^Dux et 
Draco '^ and trimmed with tucks and real Irish 
lace. 

Second Division. Composed of Salvation Army 
ladies^ Cornet Band which is playing "Every 
Day is Ladies' Day with Us.'' 

Third Division. Woman's Temperance Race 
Suicide Union carrying motto "Let the Men Bear 
the Children!" 

Fourth Division. Representators of the ex- 
Housewives' Association in carriages saying some- 
thing serious to each others. 

Fifth Division. Cavalry Troup of Lady Cow- 
boys giving examples of rude riding. 

Sixth Division. One Gentleman Suffergette 
on foot burdened with motto ^^A Man 's a Man 
for a' That." 



30 LETTERS OF A 

Seventh Division, Patrol wagons full of police- 
mans with dutiful expressions. 

After they have did some ^ hour of marching, 
enthusiastick, etc., Congressman Carrie Jones say 
to Hon. Mrs. Boots, "Where shall we go to demand 

"Let us gone to Parliament,'' decry this Mrs. 
Boots who know how-so to do it in England. 

"So sorry not to do!" collapse several ladies in 
unicorn. "We have not got a Parliament in this 
town.'' 

"Such an irritant! what a nation!" deploy Hon. 
Mrs. Boots. "Then let us gone to City Hall." 

So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all 
and procession makes onwards to City Hall where 
it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this 
temple by all present. 

"No admittance to come in!" say voice which is 
inside trembling. 

"We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can 
receive our rights, please," says Mrs. Boots with 
accent. 

"No goods delivered till after lunch, thank 
you," say that voice from inside. " Hon. Mayor is 
outside eating it." 

"Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!" 
peruse that chorus. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 31 

"No, ma'am, not to do!" dictate voice. "Hon. 
Dist. Attorney is outside drinking it." 

(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable 
salutes.) 

Loud reports from all lady SufFergettes. For- 
ward march ! Door is smashy open and all mingle 
inside that City Hall filling it with female political 
noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing 
in Hon. Dist. Attorney oflSce except empty arm- 
chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked with key. 
Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered 
inside that City Hall. 

But No! One timid gentleman is found in City 
Treasury office hiding in safe. It is the Janitor 
who is praying with voice, " Please to avoid injury 
me — I am married to a wife." 

Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, 
because of female relations. Meeting is then held 
in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor pro tern. 
till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest 
and is taken to Hon. Jail. 

At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel 
Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky is 
given comfortable cell on Murderers' Row along 
with 6 Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, i 
Mayor, and i Boy Millionaire who shot 
another gentleman under very fashionable cir- 
cumstances. 



32 LETTERS OF A 

Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive 
all-kind friends which come to congratulate them 
about being there. American jails is becoming too 
exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich 
or very famous, or else talented in some other way, 
to be locked up with all them there financiers. 

Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-ofF 
to jail I am excited to know if it is full of Suffer- 
gettes or if it contain another load of Trust Co. 
Presidents. 

I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette 
procession the same I told you about. 

"It can not be true, because it is n't,'^ he com- 
mit for pride. 

" Why-so not so ? '' I recoil of contempt for short 
intelligence. 

"Because thus/' he say it, "because in this 
America no real lady can get arrested for nothing 
she does, no matter how much she does it. 
America mans is weak from chivalry whenever 
their wifes & grandmothers needs to be arrested. 
Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. 
Hughes arrest i,ooo ladies for going to Albany with 
request, please, to be allowed to vote for him ^ 
Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart 
because Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclam, 
' We want ballot-box to fill-up with sympathy for 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 33 

Jo-uncle Cannon ?' Would them candidates call 
for law to protect gray hairs from this ? Answer is, 
No! Votes is votes, whether they got skirts on or 
something else. Washington is a very comfortable 
place for persons of either gander or sex to go ask- 
ing for privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a 
candidate in Washington/* 

'^Nogi, you are accused of being a SufFergette!" 
I collapse for disgust. 

" I am not-so that,'* renig this Nogi with blushes, 
"but Miss Mabel Sanjijo enjoys such a member- 
ship." 

"Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in 
Washington on March 3?" is next question 
for me. 

"Yes-so — if she can borrow it for carfare,'* 
this from Nogi. "If she can not do she will stay 
at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent 
treatment.'* 

"Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette 
plank to Hon. Republican platform?" I ask to 
know. 

"O probably yes-so!" say Nogi. "He have 
added everything else to that platform. Why-so 
should he pause at them ladies V 

"What did Suffergette Delegation which visited 
Albany bring back from that tour V I decry. 

"They brung back souvenir photo representing 



34 LETTERS OF A 

one Statesman peeking through brush-heap. On 
this was wrote, ' Choose Hughes & You Can not 
Lose/ This was took as good-luck sign for all 
Suffergettes." 

I am disgust of so much back-talk. 

"One last reply I make/' I say. "Female 
ladies can not make success of it in middle of 
Politicks. Shall we send old w^omen to U. S. 
Senate?'' 

"Why not-so?" negotiate Nogi. "If Hons. 
Piatt & Depew remain there so long will i or 2 
extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice ?" 

Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse: 

ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE 

STORK-BIRD 
Bun-bun 
Saki-run, 
Listen to the sing I song! 

In Yeddo, 

About 7063 B. c. 

There dwell in suburban section 

On roof-top chimbley of house 

On street 

One couple of legitimate Stork-birds 

What was just like anybody. 

All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird 

Lie eggs 

And look at Yeddo persons 

With kind of smile. 

All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 35 

Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and 

other drunk. 
He vote, 
He work 

He come home at night 
When not forgetting to do so. 

Bun-bun 

Saki-run, 

Listen to the sing I song! 

One Thursday afternoon 
Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought 
(Which was very scarcely found in them days) 
"Gentlemen Stork make vote, 
Lady Stork make egg. 
So fierce to think ! 

Why should not Lady Stork make conversation 
And Gentleman Stork attend to population ? 
I ask to know! 
Therefore, why ?" 
So, after she had finished 
Household duties of afternoon, 
Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird 
Flap-fly to chimney residence 
Of considerable other Stork-birds 
Of Yeddo. 

To other lady Stork-birds she deply, 
"Come off it! 
Liberty, eggality, affinity 
Is pass-key word 
For downtroddy female! 

Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of pre- 
cinct-leaders & Republican caucases!" 
Yet all Lady Storks deplore, 
"What shall we do with eggs, please ?" 



36 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

"Drop eggs!" say Mrs. Stork-bird; 
'*Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs 
If they is so bright about things." 

Bun-bun 

Saki-run, 

Listen to the sing I song! 

Lady-storks all desugerated 

To sky-high. 

They all run country for 28 annual years. 

Elected Board of Supervisors 

And did very happy job of politicks. 

Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged. 

Sat on nests, 

But with such unhappiness of result! 

At last one day people of Yeddo 

Look up and decry, 

** Where is all Stork-birds went? 

My sakes!! 

All nests diserted from, 

No youthful Stork-birds to see — 

Depopulatiousness must set in 

Without eggs ! ! " 

And so it was as true. 

No eggs. 

No storks — 

All off! 

Bun-bun 

Saki-run, 

Listen to the sing I song! 

This will make very sad song for harmonica. 
Yours truly, 

HashimuraTogo. 



THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN 

San Francisco, January 9th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever 
gentleman or gentlemans does such useful 
work there. 

Hon. Mr. Sir — This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. 
Editor, is now at present enjoying great panic 
of banking business. I do not participate in this 
calamity, because I am making less salary than 
required for banking surplus. Therefore I am not 
objecting to present money shake-down except 
because I have none, and yet frequently I hear 
of stock-jump falling down grade until it is 
broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several 
banking-business go under. ^' Under what.?" 
is question for me. For reply I hear each get- 
poor gentleman say ^'Wall Street," pomting to 
Augustus Heinz on map. 

This thoroughfare. Wall Street, must be magnifi- 
cent place for some persons to enjoy. My 
Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. 
"That is very rich place for gilding," he response, 
"each sidewalk there is paved with gold money 

37 



38 LETTERS OF A 

which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock 
exchange and many banking establishments there 
are constructed solidly of gold-brick.'' 

''Nogi/' I relate, ''you often know something. 
Thank you to answer 5 questions which I have 
prepared upon letter-paper for reply.'' 

"Relate such troubles to some editors," say 
Nogi taking derby to go call on Miss Mabel San- 
jijo which he is engaged to marry when divorced. 
Therefore I supply those 5 questions about 
Financial trouble for you to look at, Mr. Sir: 

1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why 
do it act so rather than stand stationary ? 

2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, 
what for is the reason and what would stop it ? 

3. Some gentlemen is called ''broker" — what 
does he break to get such names ? 

4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be 
recovered by advertising in newspaper ? 

5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and 
address of some honourable gentleman who might 
tell accurately what time some stocks will be 
making upstart movement soon .? 

Why do bank-houses burst .? That is more 
easy answer than those questions about Wall St. 
jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there 
is nothing inside and pressure from outside 
causes cave in of walls. Why is there nothing in 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 39 

banks when so bursted ? Because persons makes 
runnings on these banks in order to take outside 
what is inside. Maybe one man have ;^i,ooo in 
this bank-house. He go around to that place 
to see if these money is comfortable there. 

''Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable 
in this deposit V' he require of Hon. Pay-Teller. 

''Yes, please/' respond this Financier, "all 
such moneys is right deposited where put.'' 

"Thanks to know, Mr. Banker," retort 
American gentleman. "If you please, permit 
me to carry it from places to places in my pocket 
which I have." 

"You are obliged to it," demand them Pay- 
Teller, and take $1,000 from deposit, where was, to 
pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly 
numberous American gentlemans learn about 
take-out of $1,000, so all make running-stampede 
to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller: 

"Give us each $1,000 to carry from places to 
places in our pockets which we have in our 
clothes!" 

"You are obliged to it," response the Pay- 
Teller. So he deposit $1,000 to all persons until 
bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys 
frequent panic of fear. 

This show plainly that bank-houses bursting 
is blame of people who do it. 



40 LETTERS OF A 

Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed 
by financial breaking. Poor men enjoying large 
incomes of money are not so stung. 

To avoid financial panic therefore persons 
should have too much vv^ealthy for this. How to 
get this money is question for Japanese Boy. 
How did each great American gentleman acquire 
such millions ^ If Japanese Boy could know 
how, he might follow example of Industry 
Captains and get exhalted likewise. So I put 
on my derby to discover about this success in 
business. 

To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go 
with enquiry. Like all Irish gentlemen Mr. 
Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoymg 
angry fit. 

"Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,'' I examine, 
"how do this Rockefeller acquire such many 
things ?" 

"He is successful in grafting,'' response Mr. 
Strunsky. 

"Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman 
also do so .?" I talk. 

"He is fine grafter," suggest this Irish 
gentleman. 

"In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Law- 
son & Hon. Rodgers train themselves for it?" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 41 

''Graft!" response Mr. Strunsky making 
blinking motion of eye. 

Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away 
improved. I have now choosen career to which 
I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting 
profession is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn 
because this lead to famous success and renown 
in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and 
teach this knowledge in University of Tokyo. 

To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., 
must require so much book-study of grafting. 
Where to get such books ? Walter W. Shoji, 
who study learning at California university, say 
that grafting is sometime teached by professors 
together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public 
library & there find volumes about farming, 
architecture, warfare, arithmetic, socialism & 
religion, but no book to tell how grafting should 
be done by a beginner wishing to do so. 

Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now 
residing in jail, as grafter. This do not be so. 
Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore 
must be great & good. This Hon. ReufF is not 
so, for why would he be there in that jail then ^ 
He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not 
study grafting of dishonest man, because he 
might not teach me right. What did Wm. 



42 LETTERS OF A 

Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so ? "Act 
well your part, others take notice." 

Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical 
thought like following rhythm ? 

POETRT REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS 
HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE 
SCHOOLBOY 

Noble man, you tell me so 
Something I require to know ? 
Where I go and what I do 
Learn be wealthy man like you ? 

Money-king 

Pulling string, 

Up-stock, down-stock, everything! 

Many person say to me, 
*'Save your money like John D." — 
Have to save much long to get 
Hundred million dollar yet! 

Start too late. 

No can wait 

Save up cash at such slow rate. 

Other person speak more frank, 
"Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank/* 
That way sinful, for I know 
Honest Grafter not do so. 



Where you take 

What you make ? 

Tell me how for mercy sake! 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 43 

Some folks say, "It not wise plan 
Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man." 
John get-rich-quick by such game — 
Why not Jap Boy do the same ? 

One — two — three, 

Out goes he — 

John stay in (that place for me !) 

Tell me, please, what thing I need, 
What course study, what book read. 
Make Success of all can do. 
Be Great Grafter same like you ? 

Be great man, 
Make all can. 
Teach this Graft to dear Japan. 

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come 
me to-day and make tearful cries because I have 
decided to be Grafter instead of learning mission- 
ary job. When he know that I am firmtooth to 
my purpose he tell me this story about antique 
Japan: 

Seven million years previously to the present 
Japan dynasty the great philosopher Nichi 
Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small 
stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in put- 
ting angly-worm bait on fish-hook he look down 
in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand 
sucker-fish in water makmg eye-wink at angly- 
worm bait. 



44 LETTERS OF A 

^'This would be remarkable luck for Japanese 
fisherman," he respond, dipping angly-worm in 
puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then 
and perch on bottom making smiles through gills. 

Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker- 
fish. He put on caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. 
He try corn-beef diet for fishes. They refusal, 
thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of 
fish-god. Sucker-fish not care for this pains- 
taking, howeverly. 

Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage 
throwing fish-pole to grass, tearing beard and 
speeching these: 

^'O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you 
are reputed most easy of all fish that practise 
swimming in these brook near Yeddo.?'' 

And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making 
smiles through gills, raise fins to universal sky 
and response, 

"Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.'' 

''Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, 
why you no care for delicious baits I provide for 
eating .?" 

''Because this," reject all them fish together 
flipping tails to dog-star, "we have ate them baits 
before — caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef — we 
have ate and been catched by those. Never again, 
thank you so much." 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 45 

"Oh, quite well!'' exclamation that great man. 
"Then I shall offer you some new rare bait 
which fishes shall eat only this once time, because 
so scarce to get." 

With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take 
all baits off from hook. Then he drop bare hook 
in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile 
with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because 
this (they thinked to themselves) was such rare 
chance. 

As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi 
catch 12,000 sucker-fish in i hour 20 minutes. 
These he made into canned salmon and grow very 
wealthy from such a Graft. 

At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and 
children, "It would be sinful to waste good Bait 
on poor Fishes.'' 

So this proverb is pasted on all important 
Japanese tombs to-day: 

"The gods have fixed the little brooks so that 
one sucker-fish is born each minute by clock- 
time. Who shall catch him, you or I ? " 

Hoping your printing-factory is doing good 
by all news and best wishes to friends. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



VI 

HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN? 

San Francisco, Jan. 29th. 
To Editor "New York Newspaper where Truth 
IS ojtenly found on shrines Sff Virtue sets in 
very comfortable rocking-chair. 

Dearest Sir — Japanese Schoolboys does not 
addict therselves to gleeful laugh of mirth, because 
some Noble Thought might escape away never to 
be catched. What say American songer, Hon. 
Seth Lowell, about almanac: 

"What is so scarce as a day in June.?'' 

Answer is : A Noble Thought is more scarcer ! 

And yet this morning-time I was uttering several 
gleeful screams which was unavoidable to dodge. 
Editorial of newspaper-print say, ''Hon. Jo-uncle 
Cannon must be voted for because of face which 
have close shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lin- 
coln." Then I was to blame for them mirth- 
fulness which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese 
section. 

It has become fashionable in this kingdom, 
Mr. Editor, for candidates wishing to become 
President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so 

46 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 47 

closely as possible to. This is frequently difficult. 
Hon. Cannon is like Hon. Lincoln to roots of 
whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate very 
much about what is going on inside of soul. 
Difference between Hon. Lincoln and Hon. 
Cannon is difference between high-thinking and 
high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great 
Statesmen is only chin-deep. L Anazuma, Jap- 
anese barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. 
Fairbanks & Hon. Hughes could be changed by 
trimming to make look-like of Hon. Lincoln. I 
am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous 
globe-racer, Hon. Taft, might be also arranged 
over in some way, but would he not lose con- 
siderable solid Japanese vote in doing thus ? 
I am amazed to reply. 

Maybe it would be more human-natural for 
candidates wishing to enjoy election to hire from 
some costumer following masquerade: 

Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln. 

Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck. 

Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki. 

Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew. 

Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard. 

Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Heep. 

Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign 
Contributions, but will they ? Wall Street regard 
bribing as sinful during depression of hard times. 



48 LETTERS OF A 

Before leaving ofF from Tokyo for these 
Uniteds State I was considerably weeped 
over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of 
elderly principles who say-so to me, "Togo, 
you are going to that wild kingdom of America 
which is very full of savage Christians. Do 
not go to Indiana because Indians is found 
there." 

"I am disgusted to think," I commute. "What 
shall I do in this America so as not to disgrace my 
long row of ancestors ? " 

"Find yourself some Ideal," corrode Hon. 
Grandfather. "Make pickout of some famous 
American what you can live up to them. 
Select to be like George Washington, Abraham 
Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to 
choose." 

So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, 
tea-drunk, hara-kiri and other old-fashion Jap- 
anese customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for 
America. When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin 
Nogi and enquire to know. 

"Should Japanese Boy imitate performances 
of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order to become 
immediately immortal?" 

"Too dangerous to do!" indicate this Nogi 
with American eye-wink. "Hon. Harriman is 
now being regulated by law." 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 49 

"How about Hon. Washington and Hon. 
Lincoln to copy for famous career V' I magnetize 
for emotion. 

*'Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while 
Hon. Lincoln was celebrated for gleeful anecdotes. 
Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of 
them two. Also because of early struggly of 
career he was noble example for all Japanese 
Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American 
education." 

Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to 
paragraphs of Hon. Ida M. Tarbell, tell me 
following history of early Lincoln: 

"When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of 
oldness," carouse this Nogi, "he desire to be Presi- 
dent of these Uniteds State which was then a 
republick by government. 

" ' How can you manage to be this President 
and yet work on farm ^ his Rev. Mother enquire 
to know. 

"'By running odd-jobs before times & book- 
study afterwards/ molest this youthful enthusiasm 
with smiling expression. 

"So with immediate quickness he obtain job of 
employment mowing grass, keeping books and 
running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He 
also tilled some soil for people. When not doing 
this he was studying 'How to Be President,' a 



50 LETTERS OF A 

book by George Washington who was then enjoy- 
ing pension for oldness. 

"In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln 
spend 24 hours daily. Balance of time was 
devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of 
amusement. This continual drudgery of employ- 
ment teach that Lincoln many useful things/' 
conduce Nogi at expiration of this history. 

"Ah yes!" I collapse, "it teach him to sym- 
pathize for them Negroes who was also enjoying 
slavery.'^ 

I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing 
to request them Negroes to stop slaving .? I have 
required for reply of several Japanese about this 
Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, 
"We do not know any such coloured acquain- 
tances, thank you!" And they are proud about 
it. I wrote letter of this Question to Hon. Booker 
Washington who answered by sending C. O. D. 
"How I Quit Being One," a delightful volume 
full of adjectives. How to know about Negro 
Question then I 

I at last become acquaintance of Hon. J. 
Fortesque Smith, Negro-coloured gentleman who 
does mop-work at saloon of Hon. Strunsky who 
runs it. If all Negroes is like this Smith it must 
be a talented race. So filled of expression is his 
performances on Edison phonograph ! With such 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 51 

raring pathos do he execute that famous negro 
melody, ''Cheerful Widow Waltz" from them 
rubber disks! By hour I admire harmonious 
noise of Hon. Smith and that talented machine 
— then pretty soonly came around Hon. Strunsky 
with angry Irish voice to command more purchase 
of beer or get-out. 

At last, Mr. Editor, I go around to grand opera 
of Williams & Walker, and there continue study 
of Negro Problemb. I was very intelligent about 
this until Hon. Johnson collapsed into raggle-time 
sing-songing entitled "Sus-a-OO, Lu-Lu, I-a 
want-a you too!" Suddenly I discover my feets 
performing jiu jitsu with therselves under seat. 
I rebuke them quietly, but they continue to 
misbehave until, at finally, they strike dark 
clergyman in ankle-bone and I am retired 
from that opera house after considerable race- 
riot. 

O surely, it is wrong for that Africa to teach 
them diseases to Europe & Asia! And yet that 
raggle-time coon-singing is a species of chorus 
which shoots a long distance into my soul. I am 
very earnest about this dark-coloured harmony 
which comes with such splandid spasms through 
the shoes expressing comic emotions as it does so. 
Could you send me name and address of some 
talented Hon. Coon who would furnish tune, rimes, 



52 LETTERS OF A 

jokes, etc., for following poetical thought ? For 
this he will receive J of what he gets. 

COMIC THOUGHT SUITABLE FOR COON SONG 
OR SOME OTHER HTMN 

On America Maru 
And on Nippon Maru 

(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki 
And back again to here) 
Many Japanese is discovered 
With top-up eye 
And high-brow expression. 
"Where are you going, Japanese persons.'*" 
Enquire sea-rooster perching on coop-deck, 
"Where are you going with purse-sack 
So full of nickels & dimes .? 
With Sunday go-meeting clothes on 
And such satisfied neckties V* 
"Oh!" 

Respond Japanese in unison 
And make giggly mirth. 
"Ask us to know!" 

They are smiling through ears with Sherlock Holmes 
expression. 

Hark it! 

What was that whistling motion of noise ? 

Was it sea-wind of Pacific '^. 

Was it typhoon of nature ? 

Or was it Japanese practising together 

Tunes from "Mikado" 

Of Hons. Gilbert & Sullivan .? 

Teeth and nose of these ship, 
Nippon Maru and America Maru, 
Is pointed to Westward. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 53 

Japan is still somewhere in that direction 

And numerous Japanese is on board this transportation. 

Why 

Is such quantities of them 

On the passenger-table ? 

Has Japanese immigration 

Gone burst 

In California ? 

Has Rev. Mr. Emperor of Japan 

Called Reserves back 

For some more handsome defeat of Russia ? 

Or v^hat ? 

(Expression of kittenish foxes is indulged in 

By all Japanese Boys on this ship.) 

"Hon, Nippon Maru 

And Hon. America Maru/* 

Wirelessly telegraf Hon. Uncle Sam from shore, 

"Where are you going 

Away from here 

With such heavy ballast of Japanese ?" 

"Respectable Uncle," 

Reply them ships, 

"We are taking all Japanese 

Off of California. 

They will go Japan, 

They will go Satsuma, 

They will settle themselves on Corea 

And less disgusting parts of China." 

Pretty soonly 

All will be depart from California. * 

Then who 

To general housework, table-wait, manufacture Salomon in 

cannery, fruit-pick, employment bureau and other useful 

exersises for good of populus ? 



54 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Pretty soonly all America will calamity together, 

**Where is them dear Japanese 

Went to?" 

And Dai Nippon with far-gone wheeze will distant reply, 

**Away from here; 

Away from brick-bat 

And other educational features 

Japanese has came to America 

To learn things. 

They has learned them and went." 

On Nippon Maru 

And America Maru 

(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki 

And back again to here), 

These imaginery things I speak-so 

Perhapsly occur — 

Perhapsly not. 

In a soon letter of the future I wish to tell you 
how about one new party of politicks which the 
Japanese Thinking Society (of which I am a 
membership) is preparing to begin. This new 
Party of Politicks, I am hopeful to believe, is more 
better than Republican and Democratic parties 
of present. Anyhow, it is not any worser. 

All well here with exception of J. Furo who is 
dead. 

Hoping you are the same, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 
S.P. — Tell me to know this: Of what State is 
Hon. Leslie M. Shaw the favourite son of .? H. T. 



VII 

HON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS 

San Francisco, February loth, 
To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all 
Truth for second-class postage. 

Dear Mr. — I ask to know. Would it be a 
possibility for one bright Japanese Boy to get a 
good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or 
some other seaport ? My cousin Nogi tell me that 
Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a job because 
wages is too tiny. 

"How much is them wages .f^" I inquire for 
nervous feeling. 

''Sum of $17,500 of annual pay," mortify this 
Nogi. 

"Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,'^ 
I collapse with voice. 

"He might got it, but could he .^" dictate Nogi, 
who understands horse-racing & problembs. 

I am beswitched. 

"You would appear a very cheap diplomat with 
such a salary," say Nogi. "Hon. Charleymain 
Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more 
annual cash than this for champagne which is 

55 



56 LETTERS OF A 

necessary in Berlin for kings, dukes, princes, etc., 
which is accustomed to expect it from American 
Ambassadors when going through that town. 
That Hon. Tower are a great spend." 

"Poverty are no disgrace," I signify with W. J. 
Bryan expression. 

"For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace," 
say Nogi. " But for Foreign Ministers it are con- 
sidered a crime." 

"I am confused by this," I depress. 

"Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambas- 
sador to Berlin," deploy Nogi. 

I do so with ease. 

"And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of 
Germany." 

I do so with difficulty. 

"You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual 
wages which you draw in advance. You look 
around street for some nice palace where U. S. 
flag can be represented with dignity. You find 
such a palace, pretty soonly, over general 
feed store for rent-sum of ;^20 per monthly. 
For sum of $5 you can hire Mrs. Nusbaum in 
up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that 
Hon. U. S. flag can be flew on Monday after- 
noon. Then you spend $17,000 for champagne 
and set down on back porch where flies are 
scarce." 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 57 

"Do something happen pretty suddenly ?" I ask 
to know. 

"Quite promptly I come along in one golden- 
coloured automobile, accompanied by Signal 
Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mus- 
tache Guard, and Second Artillery Band " 

" Who are you, please ? '" is next question for 
Japanese Schoolboy. 

"I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to 
make a diplomatick relationship with Hon. 
American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way 
I mention because I know that Hon. Poverty of 
American Ambassador would get embarrassed by 
kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front 
of Nusbaum's Feed Store. 

"'Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for 
diplomatick relationship V Hon. Emperor holler- 
up to second story. 

"'He are out back splitting kindHng,* decry 
Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. 'But I will told him that 
Your Majesty have arrive — wait, please!' 

"So she run & whistle down speaking-tube: 

"'Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambas- 
sador. Hon. Emperor are here to see you.' 

"So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms 
full of kindling wood, make sneakstep to kitchen, 
where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour. 
There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany setting 



58 LETTERS OF A 

on sofa and looking cross because he have stumbled 
over baby-buggy in the hall. 

*''Good morning, Mr. Emperor/ say Hon. 
Ambassador. ^Will you have something to 
drink .?^ 

"'No/ say he. 'But I will take a cigar.' 

"'I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,' he 
say. ' But I have some delicious chew-tobacco of 
considerable long cut.' 

"Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful 
polite king, eat some of that tobacco and make 
faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink 
of champagne what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in 
tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart with 
willing smiles. 

"'Mr. Ambassador,' he decry, 'what kind of 
Embassy do you call this what you got here ?' 

"'This,' say Hon. Ambassador, 'are what are 
called "Jeffersonian Simplicity." ' 

"'Are you fond of this kind of simplicity.?*' 
Hon. Emperor inquire to know. 

"'No,' say-he, 'but Hon. Jefferson was.' 

"^Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador 
to Germany if he like it so well,' say Hon. Em- 
peror, giving royal automobile one complete honk." 

Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: 
Can American Republick, at stingy expense, teach 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 59 

Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty 
display whenever they goes to see American Am- 
bassadors ? Maybe so it are possible. Maybe 
Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will 
become accustomed to saying, "Let's go over to 
Charley Tower's flat and listen to Caruso on the 
phonograph/' Maybe-so it will soon become a 
common sight in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor 
buying 15c package of Frankfurters for luncheon 
with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe — but 
Japanese Schoolboy are doubtful because he come 
from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often 
observed. And I never seen no kings acting that 
way. 

Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they 
is not so awful Progressive like they imagines they 
are. It is a very nice thing to be noisy, but a shoot- 
cannon must have something besides powder in 
it to do considerable damage. America man work 
pretty swift when let alone; but if he wait for act of 
Congress he had more better wait for act of God 
and the Russian Douma. There are just one body 
of mans in the entire world slower than Hon. 
Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American 
Congress. 

It take one of them degraded and outworn 
monarchies of the Old World eighteen months to 
stick together a first-class war-boat of very excellent 



6o LETTERS OF A 

trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to 
nail together such a fighter-ship, and after them 
six years is past American Congress awakes and 
finds that it does n't need no navy nohow. 

Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy 
Hobson arise recently for debate and do consider- 
able gun-fire with eyes. 

''By all them sun-kissed hills of native land," 
he say with energy, "let us defend it. Japan are 
a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay 
Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities 
combined to do us dirt how would they go at it t 
By fleets ? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen would 
flow into coflFers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 
78 extreme Dreadnothings would intend to go San 
Francisco for warfare. In three weeks Japan 
would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden 
would accept Milwaukee as spoil of war. There- 
fore I arise up to propose it. I propose it that 
Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic 
minority to build 12 Dreadnothing battleships 
weekly until election is over.'' 

(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.) 

Uprise then Hon. Burton. ''Mr. Speech," 
he-say it, "I uprise to second them bill of Hon. 
Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some slight 
amendments to make it look natural. I propose 
that them 12 Dreadnothings be reduced to i gun- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 6i 

boat to be built by Union Iron Works in 1926, in 
case there ain't no war before then." 

"But how to defend Hon. America without no 
ships .r*" demand Hon. Hobson with voice. 

''We are not afraid of all-world Powers/' declaim 
Hon. Burton. ''If Japan, England, Ireland, and 
Spain come to our shores with latest pattern 
explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American 
people shall defend us!" 

(Loud applause from Congress which continue 
ahead with campaign program.) 

Such is fate of Hon. Hobson's hobby. It is 
certain that Hon. Congress are not afraid of no 
foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of 
nothing when it do not cost them nothing to do so. 

It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent 
Japanese, Mr. Editor, that Hon. Congress will 
eventually, or later, build very magnificent 
Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Cap- 
itol) in Berlin, Paris, London, Tokyo, Pekin, and 
wherever it is required by kings and fashionable 
persons residing there. But before them build- 
ings is done some Bills must be made, revised, torn 
up and referred to wastebasket in following com- 
mittees : 

1 — Committee on Architecture. 

2 — Committee on Plumbing. 



62 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

3 — Committee on Window Curtains. 

4 — Committee on Foreign Relations. 

5 — Committee on Gas and Water. 

By the time them bills is passed America will 
no longer be sneezed at as a Young Nation. And 
in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these 
U. S. must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride 
in trolley cars between Hon. Embassy and Hon. 
German Court. 

Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of 
L Anazuma, Japanese barber, make following 
Mother Geese about it : 

"The Star Spangley Banner 
O long may she soar 
O'er the National Arms 
On a grocery store!** 

Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday 
time: 

"Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat V' 
"To look like an Ambassador to Germany on 
a salary of $17,500 a year he have got to be pretty 
much of a diplomat," I answer for reply. 
With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson. 
Yours truly. 

Hashimura Togo. 



VIII 

A THIRD TERM FOR OUR EMPEROR 

San Francisco, February 23rd. 
To postoffice of New York Newspaper to be found 
there by Editor, 

Dear Sir: I will not vote for President this 
time, thank you, because your Emperor, Mr. 
Roosevelt, will not run to get it. Therefore I 
am neglectful about all other Candidates. 

Little Annie Anazuma, eight-years-age, daugh- 
ter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me 
with childish inquisitive. 

"Tell me one truth. Uncle Togo,'' she deploy. 
"Is it possible to think that Japanese Boy will 
some day be President of this respectable 
kingdom .?'' 

" Hardy so — and yet maybe,'' I addict with 
deceptive expression. 

^^So happy to think!" negotiate this infant en- 
thusiasm, with fond smiling. ^^Then how must 
he go to it to become such a President V^ 

*'He must firstly obtain consent of Hon, Roose- 
velt, who probably would not give it," I dictate 
because I am aware it might be so. 

63 



64 LETTERS OF A 

^^Are it customary for Presidents to select with 
voice name of some gentleman what would be less 
disgusting to him for next King of America ?" re- 
quire this Infant Prodigal, who are too ingrown 
of brain for enjoy mere doll-play. 

^'Ah, sure yes!" I explode. ^Tf gentleman 
what have been in White House 4 years do not 
know a good President when he see him, who 

would r 

''When inexperienced gentleman are called by 
White House to take job he must enjoy great 
agony trying to study Constitution, boat-building, 
Tuskagee, & other racing problembs necessary 
to encumbrance of office," she say-it. 

"That are still customary," I report. 

^^Who commence to originate this merciful 
custom?" demand little Annie. 

"Because you are childish I make education 
for you. Pres. Roosevelt done it." 

" So happy to know ! " digest this Japanese child. 
''He is great Emperor of America — therefore he 
will last forever." 

'*So sorry to reply," I disgust. ''Hon. Pres. 
Roosevelt will soon stop doing it." 

"Tell me to know. Uncle Togo," examine this 
difficult infant. "Is not Emperors made to last 
considerable length?" 

"In responsible kingdoms, yes-so — but in 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 65 

America, no-so. Here Kings is elected for 4 
years to discouridge them/^ 

"These white-coloured foreigners is too hard 
answers for children to know," say little Annie 
Anazuma running away for play-doll amusement. 

I say these lectures to Little Annie with great 
pleasure to be telling something to somebody 
what believes it. But then come brain-thoughts 
which bring enjoyment of fierce pangs. What 
to do with America when Emperor Roosevelt 
has took himself from it ^ I enquire for answer. 

I beg you to do it as request, Mr. Editor. 
Please have your printer put some words on 
editorial page asking Hon. Roosevelt to continue 
once more term as Emperor of this Republic. 
I enclose cash of 50c. to pay for your expense of 
writing, etc. Thank you so many! 

Honest to truth, I am aggregated with anger 
to have Mr. Emperor Roosevelt dictate, "No 
thank you, not for three-times running!" Why 
so does he stop being King just at instant when 
all-national people is enjoying that American 
performance ? It will be sad for my heart to see 
some private person occupying public career of 
Hon. Roosevelt when he gets through sitting on it. 

What decry Julius Caesar about being elected too 
much for Republican party of Rome ? "One good 



66 LETTERS OF A 

term deserves another/' he command, and Mr. 
Brutus was pleased to be there with stabbing-knife. 
But this is diffierent subject from what about it. 

Now it is historical knowledge that Pres. 
Roosevelt is ignorant about fear. What does 
frighten him, then, about this Third Term busi- 
ness affair .? Because Hon. Geo. Washington said 
not do it ^ So ridicule for great man to think ! 
Hon. Roosevelt is not afraid of Hon. Washington. 
Then go ahead, Mr. Roosevelt, please! Continue 
terming for several more administrations. 

Whenever I think of some private gentleman 
being public President of U. S. I spill tear-drop 
from sadness. Mere human person like Hon. 
Taft is large enough to entirely fill throne with 
himself but he can not fill it with that marvellous 
activity of Roosevelt. 

Hon. Jenny Bryan, so I read by news-prints, 
has went out for duck-shoot and also hoping to 
slew some bears. This show how sadly he long 
for President. But nothing to do! Mr. Jenny is 
too quiet Democrat for election. He must mur- 
der something or make elopement with somebody's 
grandmother to get photo in newspaper any more. 
Then American persons will remember he is 
alive and nominate him for another defeat. 

In what administration was Hon. Bryan Presi- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 67 

dent of these Uniteds State ? I ask these ignorant 
question because Hon. Bryan happened before I 
arrived here. 

Time is passed, Mr. Editor, for American gen- 
tleman to be President by merely being so. Prince 
Albert cutaway and sky-scrape eye-brow with 
patriotic noise from stump are decomposed from 
modern politics, thank you. Successful candidate 
for America must not only stand on stump for 
speech — he must use stump for downside-up gym- 
nasticks employing heels for passionate gestures. 
If candidate can not do nothing else he must be 
owner of Trust or some other respectable business. 

Whenever I have look-at some American gentle- 
man behaviour strange and queer in publick, 
then I enjoy suspicion, ''That person is expecting 
for nomination to President!'' 

Because this. When gentleman require to be 
notice by Delegates of Convention he must per- 
form something queer in publicity. Sometime 
he take too much cocktail, sometime too much 
buttermilk — drink dependmg on religious train- 
ing. Then all newspapers go to his doorway and 
ask for photo, childhood and name of party by 
which he prefers to be runned. Pretty soonly this 
candidate is celebrated name in all mouths. After 
this he may be elected, which is too difficult to 
think about, thank you! 



68 LETTERS OF A 

By last week I seen Yoni Sadekachi, wealthy 
and influential Japanese greenhouse, enjoying 
phenomenal^ cataclyptic spasm of fits on street 
corner. Large crowd was present including 
three American reporters. Next morning following 
headline in all American newspaper: 

JAPANESE SPASM OF FITS!!! 

HON. YONI SADEKACHI ENJOYS ONE AND 

GAINS LARGE MERIT OF JAPANESE 

VOTERS PRESENT. 

WILL HE BE NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT? 

WE ASK TO KNOW 

Pretty soonly news-children scream announce- 
ment all over this America. Political man see 
this and report. "Yes, please, this Hon. Yoni will 
make very happy candidate for Republican party 
with fusion of Japanese Socialists. It will be 
pleasant to mention him if everything else fails." 

This is to show, Mr. Editor, how dangerous 
it is to encourage talented Japanese in this 
kingdom. 

One Japanese poem, please, for your printer 
to practise on: 

SILENCE OF NEXT ADMINISTRATION 

Last night I dream this when heliotrope of despair breathe 

to lily-flower, 
When moonlight is there 
And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow: 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 69 

One Angel arrive to my bedstead. 

''Good morning," I report, "what is your name ?'* 

**How do you do," she say. "My name is Silence." 

"Hon. Silence," I exclaim, "how did you get into this country ?" 

"I got in," she exclaim, "when Hon. Roosevelt got out." 

"Is Hon. Roosevelt got out ?" I support. 

"O yes," say Angel, "can not you hear the sound of Silence 

all over land ? 
Silence in Congress, in Nursery, in Pulpit, in Wall Street ? 
Can not you hear it ? 
You are blind in ears if not!" 
"O yes," I retort, "I hear it, Mr. Angel; 
But it is not Perfect Silence." 
" No, not Perfect Silence — 
But it is silent enough to be noticed. 
Almost Anything 
Sounds like Silence 
By comparison 
Of Hon. Roosevelt. 

"Therefore sweet sleep, 
Pull down blinds, 
Blow out gas — 
Good night!" 

So speak Angel when heliotrope of despair droop to lily- 
flower. 
When moonlight is there 
And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow. 

Therefore, Mr. Editor, I leave it to you. 
Silence is not best sweetest quality for energetic 
kingdom like this. Please fix Hon. Roosevelt to 
stay on chair for remainder of generation. For 



70 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

if he IS removed panick of loneliness will assassinate 
Japanese Boy. 

Hoping you will fix it by me, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — I have obtained legitimate job of table- 
waiting at Fujiyama Restaurant where my mail 
will get to. H. Sunigawa, Prop., is one very 
patriotic gentleman who works as Japanese Spy 
when not employed. 

H. T. 



IX 

HON. modesty: is it a disease ? 

San Francisco, March 14th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who is consider- 
able careless about answer to letters of poor 
Japanese Schoolboy^ excuse him for more of. 

Dear Sir — Sometime when Hon. Rudyard 
KipHng write, he begin each paragraf with nice 
piece of poem. Therefore I must do it Hke him. 
Excuse following: 

THE SONG OF OUCH 

In Tunk by the Tower of Tom 

In the Land of the Living Joke 
Lived a race of Sadds v^ho were modest lads 

And blushed when their names was spoke 

They shrieked at the thought of Fame 
And shaked like the infant pine, 
While they turned all white when they 
seen the sight 
Of an Advertising Sign. 

So they lived in the fear of Boast 
In the Age that Has Went Behind: 

But if any of They still remain to-day 
They is certainly Hard to find I 

71 



72 LETTERS OF A 

Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald to whom I am now 
a greenhouse employed by her geraniums at loc 
each to reHeve them of what bugs they got is very 
nice-hearted. Her husband is a dead gentleman 
who took decease by asthma in joints. So she 
approached to me yesterday with customary tear- 
drop & I pair pants to say: 

"These property of past Macdonald I am give 
to you because they wake bitter memories & are 
wore out around knees." Slight sobs from her. 

I observe them hon. pants which is very tall 
garments of dissipated appearance. 

"O thank you so many, Hon. Mrs. Madam!" 
I report with salvo. "I shall took them home 
& rehearse wearing them." I back off for respect 
and get away with them hon. pants*. 

At Patriots of Japan Boarding & Lodging, where 
I hope to move from before payment is necessary, 
I lock myself away with them garment, and try 
to make it fit. So sorry can't do! When I clasp 
it with dignified safety-pin at waist each leg is too 
far beyond my foots — it give me reverent appear- 
ance of kneeling. I try to deceive them pants to 
look briefer by rolling them upwards. Also I 
coax them at stummick by fastening belt around 
shoulders. By this way I am entirely inside of 
that tailorship which is too plenty. 

Then suddenly Cousin Nogi make in-come to my 




"*Would they fit me perhaps ?' I ask for vanity" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY ^t, 

room, because he is a relative and can do so without 
knocking. He look quite gast at me. 

*^You are clothed entirely/^ he signify with 
smart expression. 

"Would they fit me perhaps ?^' I ask for vanity. 

"Maybe so they might/' dictate Nogi, "but 
they are too loose around neck.'' 

"What to do with such gifts from lady?" I 
inquire for reply. 

"To wear it next to heart/' contuse Nogi with 
smiling. "If you wear it on publick streetfare 
crowd will collect to indicate that you are one very 
famous Japanese. Persons will proclaim: 'There 
go them Hon. Pants!' Maybe you will be escort 
by police wherever went. It is so easy to become 
famous." 

"No can do, please!" I prefer. 

"No to ?" stagger Nogi for disappoint. 

"Ah, no!" I relapse. "I should not desire to 
become famous for pants. Hon. Modesty is a 
Japanese characteristick." 

"Hon. Modesty is a disease/' corrode that Nogi 
with scornful snip; so he tell following myth of 
antique Japan which is a very favourite stories of 
Grandmothers to illustrate the Hon. Modesty. 

In some way-back period of B. c. there reside at 
Kioto one Emperor by name of Motomatsu 



74 LETTERS OF A 

who was awful modest about it. When spoke of 
as Famous he became a very ill person. He was 
shy about publick banzai. When he depart out 
from Hon. Palace for auto-ride all loyal subjecks 
was lined up by pave to decry: "Banzai! Ban- 
zai! Such nice Emperor Motomatsu ! '' They 
then kneel upon their faces to signify it. But 
Hon. Motomatsu enjoy angry rage for such publick 
demonstrictions and decry: ''So conspickerous!" 
while he kick loyal subjecks on skull. Because 
he was shy. 

Pretty soonly he make sneek out of Palace by 
back door to avoid them noyful mob of shoutings. 
But one Grocery Boy seen him and observe to 
inquire: '^Why do Kings go out by back doors 
when should nqt.^'^ ''Hush it!" say Motomatsu. 
*'I am doing it so as not to be too famous. '^ So 
when he make pass-on them Grocery Boy go to all 
populus of Japan and decry: "Hon. Emperor is 
departing by back door!" Then 1,000,000 of 
them loyal subjecks assemblance to trademan 
entrance of Palace & peek to see — and sure of! 
Hon. Emperor again is saw making sneek-in to 
Palace. "Permit us to hail!" say peasantry, but 
Hon. Emperor relapse with peev: "Go hail some- 
wheres else!" And he throw brick-bat to them. 

So them Hon. Emperor get worse modest all 
time. Pretty soonly he borrow rag-clothing from 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 75 

beggerly man and wander forth in them disguise. 
But Hon Populus, when they seen him, decry: 
**0 look-see what has arrive! Our dear Emperor 
are ragged out to be a beggerly man! Is he not 
conspickerous in such a clothing? Ah, yes!'^ 
And they surround him with a program of dances, 
including exhibitions of jiu jitsu, resolutions of 
respeck, geisha waltz, speek, fireworks & baloon- 
races. Pretty soonly Carnegie Commission 
approach with brass medal of reward. "For 
what?" say Hon. Emperor. "For extreme shy- 
ness in action," say Hon. Commission. By this 
Hon. Motomatsu is very disgust, so he cut off 
them Commission at neck, then he chop 1,000 
loyal subjecks with ax and go back Palace. 

But when them loyal subjecks pick up their 
heads what was chopped they say: "Sure is! 
Mr. Emperor must be modest about publick 
appearance. Quite well! Then we will cease 
hailing him, if he is so disagree." 

Next day when Hon. Emperor go off for walk, 
what! Such vacancy of street! He is queer to 
feel. He go back Palace with lonesome smile. 
" Maybe I am dress too silently to be seen," he-say. 
So he put on uniform of Field Marshall & walk 
outside again. Nothing to do. Even little spar- 
row-birds is absent with banzais. "O mania! 
Have I quit being famous ?" subtract that Moto- 



76 LETTERS OF A 

matsu, losing some flesh for griefs. So by soon- 
time he make debut to street in drum-major 
uniform recruited by very large brass band. But 
Hon. Publick is home reminding their own busi- 
ness. This are too much worry for Hon. Emperor 
who go bed & is attended by appendicitis. Pretty 
soonly he enjoy death and got a tomb near Kioto. 
In front of it are following inscription: 

**Motomatsu have got his bones here. 
He were a Good Advertiser; 
But he Worked it too Hard." 

Mr. Editor, Hon. Modesty we*re a disease very 
common among Great Mens in antique Japan. 
In these here day modern insanitary methods of 
brushing off microbes have got rid of such shy 
germs pretty good. .Yet Great Mens is still in 
some tiny danger of being bit by it. At White 
Palace of Washington Dr. Rickey must be in con- 
stant attendance with microscope to watch for it. 
Each President Message must be very careful 
fumigated — and on some days this are pretty 
much of a job, thank you. 

By each morning-time Hon. President must 
have corner of eye-glasses, mustache & tooths 
examined for fearful that some Wyoming constit- 
uent might maybe brought in bashful germs that 
will get into Hon. Policies & spoil everything. 

This Surgeon-Gen. Rickey must be a very 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY ^^ 

worried person. Suppose he go cod-fishing some 
Sunday off & become carelus about them hon. 
microbes? Ah, fatal! Next morning he go to 
White Cabinet & discover Hon. President enjoy- 
ing high temperature of terrible blushes. 

"Sec. Loeb/^ he are saying, "please turn to 
Nineteenth Interstate Proclamation, page 1102B, 
and attack it with blue pencil. "" 

"Quite good, Mr. Sire," say them Hon. Loeb. 
"What to do with them words .f^'' 

"Scratch out all pronouns spelled with an ^F 
and supply 'American People' for it,'" say Hon. 
President. 

"Will do,'^ say Hon. Sec. with nervous glance. 

"Next substitute considerable changes. Change 
^My Policies' to 'Mr. Bryan's Policies,^ change 
'My Navy' to 'Admiral Brownson's Navy,' 
change " 

Dr. Rickey stand at corner of room with horrors 
springing at knees. " It are my carelus fault — 
some scarce disease have got in through window!" 
he whisper to guilty self. 

"Next turn attention to library of books," say 
that Presidential Invalid. "Change 'My Works' 
to ^Works of Divine Providence.' Every time 
'Grizzly Bear' are mention change it to 'Grey 
Squirrel,' change 'Must Not' to 'Please Don't,' 
change " 



78 LETTERS OF A 

^'Stop it, Mr. Sire!" say them Physician with 
alarms; ^'if you continue it thus you will have 
* Malefactors ' changed to 'Benefactors'!" 

So White House Hospital Corps are ringed for 
and Hon. President took by forceful quarantine to 
Federal Hospital where one porous plaster are 
put on his Ego to draw it out. While enjoying 
relapse there he occupy cot formerly layed in by 
Hons. Albert Beverage, Ben Tillman & other Egos 
enjoying the same shy germ. 

What would become of Hon. Literature, Mr. 
Editor, if them Literaries was nibbled by Hon. 
Modesty ^ What would become of Publishing 
Business if Hon. Mrs. Eleanor McGlynty, after 
wroting one book of title, ''Three Months," 
should spend that period of time blushing over 
what ensue in it .? What would happen to Hon. 
Jack of London or Hon. Thomas of Boston if they 
forgot to tell Hon. World how remarkably much 
they are ^ Would Hon. World remember their 
praises if they did n't ? I ask to know. 

What would ensue if Hon. Bernard Shaw should 
took the habit of shrinkage ? Might he know how 
to stop before he had entirely shrunk away until 
he was very little more than size of Homer, Shakes- 
peare & any other insignificate super-gentleman ? 
I require no answer. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 79 

Mr. Editor, if I had died in old-fashion gener- 
ation of water-power reputation I would have 
got on my tombstone: 

Here Lies Togo, 

He was a good man. 

But as I live in age of gas-power greatness, I 
must have on my door-plate: 

Here Lives Togo. 

He is a great man. 
If you don't believe it, 
Step in and he will 

Tell you so. 

With love to your printer. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo 



X 

SPRING 

San Francisco, April ist. 
To Editor of "New York newspaper which rains 
supreme for intelligence of editorial tipewriting. 

Dear Sir O! Spring have came! 

Where did it arrive from ? is question for Jap- 
anese Boy. 

Do it arrive from Palm Beach of sunny climb, 
song-sing of nightinglory-bird, hypnotism of 
tropick mooners where poets is whacking musical 
liars in the middle of such nice weather ? Do it 
arrive from ore the sea blew along by Rory Bory 
Alice & other mythology ladies of awfully gauze 
dressing which travel by zephyr to drop don't-for- 
get-me bud & other garden seeds on top of happy 
farmer ? Ah no! it do not. 

Where do this Spring arrive from then, if not .^ 

By newspaper print I read how it arrive from 
Paris, thank you! 

Flower of Spring do not come to America by 
them poetical way I said. They are first noticed 
in New York by Hon. Custom Inspector who give 
American eye-wink when he see such many 

80 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 8i 

trunks of French extraction. He notice thej are 
label "Handle by Care/' so he open them carefully 
with an axe. From each divided trunk come 
explosion of rare beaty. Violet-colour roses, 
rose-colour violets, blue-colour carnations, ofF- 
colour daisies, lilies-of-valley in red, white, & 
blue and sunflowers of 27 delicious varieties of 
sunset. That sad interior of Custom House, so 
oftenly accustomed to shady gloom of dark & 
dingley Tariff\, grow suddenly to joyful fire-alarm 
by them race-riot of colour. All employees of 
them Custom House forget murdering thought of 
their cruel hearts and is instantly gentle by sight of 
such bouquets. They forget to do their duty on 
sliding scale. Their eyes is overdone for tear 
drop with sweetheart thought of childhood. 
Numberous sighs is enjoyed while looking to them 
flowers, all hats is removed and for one noment of 
time that Custom House forget to think of Eternal 
Revenue on cigars, the patness of Jo-uncle Cannon 
and welcome to America by the Uncivil Service. 
Such is influence of Nature on savage persons. 

Then come Easter and I am not responsible for 
what happen. Hon. Solomon, who was legally 
accustomed to 100 wifes, was very suspicious about 
Spring when it come along from Paris, so he say 
with voice for all future layers of Husbands, "Con- 
sider the lilies how they cost!" When one Chris- 



82 LETTERS OF A 

tian lady begin to consider the lilies in shop window 
it is important for Christian Husband to consider 
something else with absent-minded expression. 

In Spring young American mind naturally turn 
to sport of baseballing. Japanese Boy have found 
out how-do to get there to place where them 
National Sport is done. Walk some distance to 
suburbs of trolley when, all of a suddenly, you 
will notice a sound. It is a very congregational 
lynch-law sound of numberous voices doing it all 
at once. Silence punctuates this. Then more of. 

"Why all this yall about, unless of mania.?" 
I require to know from Hon. Police. 

" San Francisco is in it and Oakland is outside of 
it,'' say Hon. Police with moustache. "San 
Francisco have made bat-hit and three gentle- 
mans have arrive home." 

"So happy to welcome travellers!" I decry. 
"Have them gentlemans been long absent for such 
publick banzai .?" 

"All over bean-farm," say Hon. Police. "They 
was all on bags," he say, "and two mans had died 
on first basso " 

"I shall enjoy mourning for them heroes," I 
retort. 

" — then Hon. Murphy acquire one base by 
high finance." 




o 

Oh 

c 
o 



o 

c 



3 



c 
£ 
o 



c 

3 



3 
O 






JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 83 

**How-so he possess this base ?" is next question 
for me. 

^^He steal it," say Hon. PoHce with cigar. 

I admire talents of that Hon. Murphy who can 
steal things while all publick make shout of 
applaud. With practice he would become very 
delicious Senator. 

More loud yall of shouts is heard. I am an 
enthusiasm. What fierce harakiri of patriotism 
was going on to make them Americans so loud ? 
Such sound of hates! Port Arthur was took with 
less noise than that. Therefore I must see about it. 

I go to fence where ticket-hole demand 50c of 
price to see it. 

"Why must Japanese Boy pay such price.?" 
I renig. 

" Because-so," say Ticketer, "Baseballing is 
National Sport. Therefore each patriot must pay 
them 50c for Campaign Fund to Hon.Cortelyou." 

I admit myself to gate. 

In seats around gallery all-American persons is 
settled in state of very hoarse condition. Down- 
stairs on ground is 10 to 11 Baseballers engaged in 
doing so. I am scientifick about this Game which 
is finished by following rules: 

One strong-arm gentleman called a Pitch is 
hired to throw. Another gentleman called a 
Stop is responsible for whatever that Hon. Pitch 



84 LETTERS OF A 

throw to him, so he protect himself from wound- 
ing by sofa-pillows which he wear on hands. 
Another gentleman called a Striker stand in front 
to that Stop and hold up club to fright off that 
Hon. Pitch from angry rage of throwing things. 
But it is useless. Hon. Pitch in hand hold one 
baseball of an unripe condition of hardness. 
He raise that arm lofty — then twist — O sudden! 
He shoot them bullet-ball straight to breast of Hon- 
Stop. Hon. Striker swing club for vain effort. 
It is a miss & them deathly ball shoot Hon. Stop in 
gloves. "Struck once!" decry Hon. Umperor, 
a person which is there to gossip about it in loud 
voice. 

"Why do Hon. Umperor demand Hon. Striker 
to struck when he have already did so.?'' I 
demand to know from one large German intelli- 
gence what set next by me. 

"He is fanning himself outside," make that 
courteous foreigner for reply, so I prefer to 
understand. 

Once more-time that Hon. Pitch prepare to 
enjoy some deathly agony. He hold that ball 
outside of twisted forearm, turn ^ beside himself, 
throw elbows away, give whirling salute of head, 
caress ankle with calf of leg, then up-air — quickly 
shoot! Ball journey to Hon. Stop with whizz, 
but before arriving there Hon. Striker see it with 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 85 

club. There is considerable knock-sound as 
club collide to ball which stops continuing in that 
direction and bounds uply to air. Great excite- 
ment for all America! All spectacles in grand- 
stand decry, "O make sliding, Hon. Sir!" and 
many voices is seriously spoiled as Hon. Striker 
run with rapid heels from each base to next & 
all other Baseballers present endeavour to pull 
down that ball which is still in very high sky. 
But soonly that ball return down and is bounded 
into hands of second basso sportsman who shoot 
it to Hon. Stop just as Hon. Striker is sliding 
to fourth base by the seat of his stummick. 

"Out!'^ decry Hon. Umperor, so Hon. Striker 
go set himself on back bench, which is deserving 
place for all heroes. 

So many Strikers is brought up to do them 
clubbing acts during game that it become a 
monotony to Japanese Boy in a very soon time. 
But not-so it was to Americans who was fuller 
of Indiana yalls. Occasionally that large 
German intelligence what set next to me would 
say with voice, ''Kill that Umperor!" 

"Why should Hon. Umperor be executed.^" 
I require for answer. 

"I am not sure why-is," extort that German. 
"But it is courteous to demand his death 
occasionally." 



86 LETTERS OF A 

"Is this Umperor such a sinful citizen?" I 
make note; but that Hon. German did not 
response because he was drownding his voice 
from one bottle of pop-soda for value of 5c. 

I wait for very large hour to see death of this 
Hon. Umperor, but it did not occur as I seen. 
Too bad! I had very good seat to see from. 

Baseballing is healthy game for Americans. 
It permits them to enjoy sunstroke in middle of 
patriotick sounds, it teach them a entirely 
courageous vocabulary and put 10,000,000,000,000 
peanuts in circulation by each annual year. Japan 
must learn to do it. If all Japanese wishing to 
become heroes should go set in bleachers each 
afternoon-time it might change them from Yellow 
Peril to yelling section in short generation. 

But warfare is a more agreeable way. 

spring was discovered by Japanese several 
years before zero. Antique Japanese noblemans, 
when they seen sweet Irish-flowers blooming and 
acting fresh was suspicious that maybe it was 
sign of Spring, but they did not say-so nothing 
about it, because laws was very just in them date. 
Hon. Bashu, celebrated for Japanese poetry, say: 

. "O Spring, Spring, 

Thou art such gentle thing!" 

Hon. Japanese Emperor read this songsing 
and call Hon. Bashu to court-house and give him 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 87 

one chop-ofF by axe. "You are too original for 
to live," he say by remark. 

Hon. Onion Jo, Japanese ranch-boy of Contra 
Costa County, recently enjoy one railway accident. 
His 2 feetprints has been missing since then. So 
you will please forgive following Japanese sonnet 
he send me because he is a very weak patience in 
hospital: 

CONVERSATION TALKED BT ONION JO WITH 
ONE FOOLISH-BIRD ON SPRINGTIME TWIGS 

Told me in song-sing, tree-bird of April Foolish, 

Why do America Fleet 

Travel so low-down in water-tight Ocean ? 

Why-so 

Is all symptoms of armour-belt missing 

And why such cargo of weight ? 

"Twit! Twit!" 

Response them animal in voice of Commander Sims, 

'*Them Pacific Fleet travel deep-down 

For very good reason. 

Admiral Reuterdahl is in command of it." 

After which remark them tree-bird make humoristick signals. 

Told me in music, tree-bird of green ideas, ' 

Why do Hon. Forker of O-hio 

Feel so just about Negro-race ? 

Are he Senator from Brownsville 

That he is dutifully obliged 

To make them hurt sounds 

When chocolate citizenship is insult?" 

"Tut! Tut!" 

Abjurgate them thoughtless Fowl, 



88 LETTERS OF A 

"Hon. Forker have very scholarly brain-thoughts; 
He remind himself of poetry by Mother Geese, 
" *Bah, bah, Black Vote, 
Have you any pull ?' 
Hon. Forker is such Dark Horse now 
That he enjoy complete eclipse, thank you." 
And them peculiar Chicken make knocking noise with bill. 

Told me in harmony, raving Tom-sparrow, 

Why did all patriotic persons 

Make such elaborate hand-clasp 

With red automobile 

And other National emblems 

When Hon. Eugene Schmitz 

Broke jail ? 

What did he done in jail 

To give him such cleanly reputation 

In them few months ? 

"Cluck! Cluck!" 

Modulate them demented species of Duck, 

"It is surprisingly useless to deposit Hon. Grafters in jail. 

Because for reason: 

If a person is a great enough Grafter 

To go jail, 

Then he must be great enough Grafter 

To get out. 

San Francisco is excited about Local Talent." 

Thus saying it, them April Foolish Bird 

Make a noise like Emma Goldman 

And flatter away 

In direction of Boise City, Idaho. 

Hoping you are sufficiently discouraged, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 89 

S.P. — From daily print I see it how one tame 
sculptor of Utah have cut out one famous statue 
called *' Monument to Gulls/' This to be stood 
up in Salt Lake City. Would not such a monu- 
ment look more sentimental in Wall Street ? I 
require no answer. 

H. T. 



I 



XI 

EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE 

San Francisco, April loth. 
To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk. 

Dear Mr. — When first time your printer 
put-in my letter I am so happy I feel very dis- 
couraged to write more. *' Banzai! I shall make 
literary career of myself!" This shout from 
me. Literary writing must be good job for all 
Americans not fit for honest work. I am under- 
stood to be told that Hon. Jack London receive 
for price from 15c to 20c for each word he make. 
This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. 
How should I prosper in such a Graft! At 20c 
for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! 
By early morning I should go to fashionable 
American restaurant and require of Waiter, 
"Hon. Sir., deliver to me i plate ham & 2 eggs, 
please!" This would be the number of 12 words 
@ 20c per word — therefore bringing me the 
price ^2.40! Breakfast might cost 75c, Waiter 
might require 25c to tip himself, yet Waiter must 
still owe Japanese Boy ^1.40, which is balance of 
$2.40 for them 12 words I said. 

90 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 91 

Immediately I became great Author in my brain- 
thoughts. I make running stampede to publick 
Library and read '' 12th Night," by Shakespeare of 
England and ''Friday the 13th'' by Lawson of 
Boston, so as to learn both ends of the American 
language. I learn considerable extinct vocabulary 
from both of these gentlemen, then I set down with 
ink-stand to write i letter to you. 

It is not equal to human justice, Mr. Editor, 
that you send me ^4.34 in postage stamps as reply 
payment to this. What to do with these stamps ? 
217 2c postages require considerable correspon- 
dence to get away from. To waste these postages 
I have wrote following correspondence: 

1. To New York Newspaper already 10 letters 
which you know of. 

2. To Uncle Hashimura of Kobe, 6 letters of 
painful truth. 

3. To Miss Alice Furioki, pleasant lady of 
yellow extraction, 13 letters on sweetheart subjects. 

4. To Pres. Roosevelt, King Edward, F. 
Augustus Heintz & Eugene Schmitz 48 total 
letters. 

These make all together 77 stamps used up. 
Therefore I have got remaining in my pocket 140 
stamps, many of which is ruined by wear. In 
next payment for my literary letters would you 
be so regardless as to make reply in nickel-pieces ? 



92 LETTERS OF A 

These moneys is small, but very good for Japanese 
education. Thanks so many! 

If I could get good job somewhere writing 
novel-books I would learn this American language, 
which is hard thing to do because so full of words. 
American gentlemen I have speaked to employ 
the 2 following kinds of conversation: 

1. Kind what is discovered in Dixionary book. 

2. Kind what is not there. 

In Dixionary of Hon. Noah Webster there con- 
tain 26,000 language-words to talk. It took this 
gentleman lifetime to do so. To speak American 
language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 
natural words, which I have did, thank you. But 
it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere- 
words is commonly used for conversation. Where 
must Japanese Boy go to obtain such talk ^ 

My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He 
say that Elsewhere-words of American mans 
is called "Slank," which means '' talking- with- 
words-that-is-found-here-and-there." Dixionary 
talk is good for church sociables, high-schools, and 
professors; Slank talk is good for riots, prize- 
fighting, newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of 
energy. Both are good ways to know. 

Frequently in walking about sidewalk I hear 
gentlemans cry, "24 for you!'' This is signal 
for great laugh which all do. I can not tell when 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 93 

to, so I do not. What then is so humoristic 
about this number "24"? Would not number 
12 or number 14 do equally fine for laughing 
purposes ? I require to know. 

Lemons, too, is comic fruit for Slank-talking 
persons. Joking-gentlemans deliver these lemon 
fruit to each other for holiday gift. It is insulting 
not to laugh when this is done. 

To-day I speak to Hon. Mr. Strunsky, Irish 
gentleman, about Hon. W. J. Bryan, late President 
of these Uniteds State. 

"Where has he fell to .^" I require for answer. 

"This Bryan man is dead one,'' report Hon. 
Strunsky. 

"So sorry — I shall wear mourning for this 
good man," I reject. 

"Tall timber is place for you," resume this 
Strunsky man with laughing eye. 

"So sorry not to do," I say back, "because 
forest is far distant from great city." 

"Then pursue self around this block, Hon. 
Togo," he compel. I do so, thank you. But 
while exercising I stop with abrupt brain-thought. 
Them words of Mr. Strunsky was less Dixionary 
talk than Slank talk! Tell me, Mr. Editor, how 
should I translate them conversation of Strunsky 
into Japanese ? 

It is disadvantage of American language that 



94 LETTERS OF A 

gentlemen cannot be insulting to each other 
without some impoliteness. One gentleman meet 
some other gentleman at saloon-corner. Making 
step-up to each other one gentleman explain, 

*'You are a pill!'' 

Immediately following noises are enjoyed: 

1. Night cry. 

2. Broken property. 

3. Approach of ambulance. 

4. Silence. 

In Japan, among top-classes, trouble is enjoyed 
more peaceably. Suppose Count Noku desire 
to have insult with Baron Obi. They shall meet 
at lunch, thank you, to talk this. They first 
disgust their appetites with tea, cigarettes, Japan- 
ese ginger-snaps, conversation. Finally at last 
Count Noku say to Baron Obi, 

"Esteemed & high-horse Samurai, would you 
care to have insult for me .?" 

"Magnificent Count," say this Obi, "it is your 
exalted privilege to insult me." 

"Thank you for the benefit," say this Noku, "I 
will do so." And so saying this he pull one hair 
from head of that Obi. 

"Ouch, thank you, I am insult!" retort Baron 
Obi. Following this there is quiet hara-kiri with 
table-knife. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 95 

At food-stand of Mr. Swartz I often lunch there 
for economy. Best nourishment may be obtained 
for 5c by ordering 3 sausages from Frankfurter 
Germany with slice of toast. 

Yesterday I go as customary to this. As 
customary I say, "Give me the same, those 3 
sausages from Frankfurter." 

And Mr. Swartz, turning to cookeryman, cry 
with voice: 

"Hot-dog!" 

Therefore I must not eat them food because it 
is cannibalism. If Mr. Swartz is not speaking 
Slank talk, then he should be sent to prison for 
Pure Food Laws. 

You may see, Mr. Sir., how it is not safe to go 
around in this U. S. without sufficient Slank 
words. Japanese schoolboys might be poisoned 
by eating something which is Slank for something 
else. To example this danger, my cousin Nogi 
say how Hon. Casey of Labouring Union is "a 
lobster." I am very fond to eat lobster, but I 
should disgust to eat this Mr. Casey. 

I have been collecting them Elsewhere-words 
all day and have congregated quite a cluster of 
Slank talk which I shall put into Dixionary for 
Japanese Schoolboys. I am very excited when 
I think of this vocabulary. I have arranged 
many of them raggle-time speeches into following 



96 LETTERS OF A 

poetical thought which I was misfortune enough 
to sent with 2c postage to Miss AHce Furioki, 
lady I tell you I was engaged to marry with: 

LOVING SENTIMENT EXPRESSED IN AMERICAN 
LANGUAGE 

How do I stand in relation to you, O Peach ? 
Is Japanese Boy A. no. i or twenty-third in line for your mis- 
behaving eyes ? 
Peek-a-boo, I am on the wink, 
I am batty in thoughts. 

Also insect-house, because my heart is mashed! 
It would JAR you to know! 
Do not give me the refusal on neck, 
Do not see me with glass-eye. 
Or present frost-mitten with cod-fish expression, 
O exquisite one; O tootsy-woot, 

Pansy. 

Must I remain infinitely distant among waving of Tall 

Grass ? 
Or must I get more closer, more cozy-corner, 
More next ? 

Can not this Japanese be candy-boy for you, 
Sure-thing, bet-your-life, O joy ? 
To be Johnny-on-dot for you. 
To pay steady car-fare (when possible) 
This would be ticket for Girl Proposition. 
Such a cheese! 

On the death, are you giving me some string. 

Are you hot-airing me ? 

How about waiting at church .? 

Will it be yet, if not soon ^ 

1 require for answer 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 97 

As p. d. q. as possible, O Fluffy Ruffles — 

Otherwise 

No wedding gong for Japanese Boy! 

These answer from that lovely Japanese come 
back by gallop response: 

Dear Sir — Your poetry in Swedish language is here, 
thank you to understand. I shall ask Hon. Mrs. Johannes- 
senn to translate this, if respectable. I am not awaiting some 
reply for this. Yours thankfully, 

Alice Furioki (Miss). 

Perhapsly, Mr. Editor, you had more better 
postpone my wedding with her. Besides this she 
has recently married my cousin Nogi, which is 
very selfish act. 

In Japan there is a quaint rhythm-song which 
is sang by all philosophers and gentlemen engaged 
for marriage. It is like these in Japanese. 

Ichi-ho, pachi-ko, 

Nagasaki run — 
Sago-man, koko-man. 

Bun, bun, bun! 

This words when translated to American say 
like these: ''Going around makes returning in 
circles, but continuing that may keep up." This 
is very wise poem — but what does it mean .? In 
some way it are like American Slank talk. 

All well here except J. Furo, who is not. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XII 

THE VISIT OF THE FLEET TO SAN FRANCISCO 

San Francisco, May 6th. 
To Editor New York newspaper who I occasionally 
trust y often admire for quotation from Hon. 
Browning, 

Mr. — O ! ! ! Patriotick banzai of hurrah! 

America Fleet of Roosevelt Excursionists have 
arrive to S. F. Ferry Depot. 

I would of send this by wire-telegraf, but Hon. 
Operator was inattentive about me when I have 
no price sufficiently much to. He say: ^'Who- 
pay.?" I-say: "Hon. Editor." "Hon. Editor 
may-be-so will/' he demure and resume job of 
tick-tick. Good-by for me. 

Morning of fleet-arrive was splandid. By 
early hour of day all S. F. persons has clus- 
tered therselves on tip of hills & suppression of 
excitement was enjoyed. Considerable watching 
occurred. Barking of dogs was strangled by collars, 
infant babies which desired to weep was spanked 
for prevention of. Silences. Depressed banners 
was held in American hands to get ready wave it. 

Many persons in Sabbath clothings was there, 

98 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 99 

including 1,000 Japanese Spies which were very 
nice behaviour. I was nationally proud of them. 

Of suddenly, Oh ! ! ! 

Through crack of Goldy Gate, what-see ? 
Maglifisent sight of marine insurance! Floating 
war-boats of dozens approaching directly straight 
by line & shooting salutes at people. On come 
them Imperial Navy of Hon. Roosevelt & Hon. 
Hobson; what heart could quit beating at it .^ 
Such white paint — like bath-tub enamel, only 
more respectful in appearance. 

All shout, all maddy banzai, including me & 
Cousin Nogi which was wishing that Hon. Togo 
could been there to shoot in opposite direction. 
Would it not been a impressive pair of naval 
spectacles .? I ask to know. 

From collected ^ million of persons on hills of 
S. F. one mad yall of star-spangly joy. Fire-crack 
salute, siren whistle, honk-horn, megaphone, 
extra edition, tenor solo — all connected together 
to give impressions of loyal panderonium. What 
say Lord Macawber, English history-poet, in 
''Lies of Ancient Rome'' ? 

"And even the ranks of Tuskagee 
Could scarce forbear a cheer.'* 

(I wish I could sent this wire-telegram for speed. 
Please excuse sneer from Hon. Operator.) 



100 LETTERS OF A 

I have n't yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. 
Evans, but I take delicious look at Hon. Battle- 
boat Conn, by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of 
Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure 
stooding on \ deck where shoot & shell might go 
muckraking four & aft, if such a rude target- 
practice was going on. Was man I seen them 
famous sea-doggy what have drove that fleet from 
N. Y. to S. F. while enjoying twitches of pain what 
would make considerable Heroes want to quit ? 
If that man I seen was Hon. Evans, Japanese 
Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not 
a Hero — he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied 
to a post. 

(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: 
"What language is them wrote in?" I am 
confused.) 

For space of several next days this Hon. City 
are overcame by considerable Program. Some- 
thing go on each elsewhere including new-build 
section & also places where remainders of Hon. 
Earthquack are still enjoyed. Following was did 
from what little I was aware: 

Wed. — Toot - whistle, anchor - fleet, boom- 
salute — hurrah! Hon. Mr. Mayor Taylor & 
High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship Conn, 
"How-do, Adm. Evans!" Fleet shake-hands 







3 
C 

03 



I 



C 

o 

c 



^^. ^ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY loi 

with yackts, tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official 
vehicles. Hon. Evans come shore. Salutes. 
Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans 
meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. 
Officers come march-in with un-officered excite- 
ment. Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon. Sec. 
Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. 
I am not familiar with when this was expected to 
burst up. 

Thur. — Awful important parade along line 
of march including National Guard and other 
private carriages. American standing army was 
included in this together with such Generals as 
was there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers 
march in this; but Hon. Battleboats did not 
come ashore, because they could not do. Market 
Street all bunted with red, v/hite & blue & 4th 
of July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was 
added to by speeches. By evening some more 
waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors must 
not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up 
by early clock. 

Fri. — All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great 
relays of persons in boat-loads because everybody 
was anxious. Visitors including of College Presi- 
dents, Labouring Unions, Society, Persons & 



102 LETTERS OF A 

many more. Special reception was gave to i,ooo 
Japanese Spies which came with kodaks. 

Sat, — This day has not arrived yet; but we 
expect it. 

Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. 
Fleet will next go by departure. Will Japan be 
visited firstly & then some Christian country, 
or will it be visa-vis? I ask to know, because way 
them Fleet act are highly probable to Japanese 
Schoolboy. 

Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf 
inflaming him about not having them Hon. Fleet 
go visit China .? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan 
she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan 
are a deliciously arranged country with hot & 
cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan are 
picturesque with addition of all modern improve- 
ment. America tourist can go top of anteek tem- 
ple Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c tip for 
this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison 
phonograph musick. Jinrikisha run by gasolene 
motor make very speed time. Japan are a very 
antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters 
will enjoy this & buy souvenirs for minus price. 
Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights with 
Togo. 

But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where 




o 



Oh 



3 
CO 






JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 103 

virtues is considerably extolled upon Hon. tablets of 
ansisters, but them Hon. relicks is seldom washed, 
so that they can't not be read. That is one king- 
dom where enlightenment is unacquainted, where 
derby hats is unknown, where book-keeping & 
stenography is not even worshipped for its good 
qualities! Entire towns & counties of them 
ignorant kingdom is gave over to pipe-hitting 
ceremony of opium snifF, which is a insiderous 
poison that give sweet imagination which is fol- 
lowed by entire unfitness for feetball, predatory 
wealth and anything else what is useful & 
American. I give you my entire insurance, Mr. 
Editor, China are a race of pig-tail mollycuddles. 
Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open 
door with China ? It would be more delicate to 
close such a door & keep off pungus odour of 
opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick. 

There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. 
One kind worship gods what is placed on tiled 
pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with 
hydrogen peroxide to remove affectionate germs. 
Other kind of Heathens adore idles made of wood, 
which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would 
remove sacred associations including typhoid, 
tuberculosis & social unrest. 

Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All 
Japanese are sorry because Hon. China are so 



104 LETTERS OF A 

wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex 
China for personal property, then America fleet 
can visit & see how clean & smooth Heathens can 
be when treated by Japan. 

Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, 
oftenly make comick speeches before American 
Y. M. C. A. He tell what a human person Chinese 
can be, he relate about "awakening of China'' & 
is a pretty good Irishman for repartee. Maybe 
China are awake, but she have missed her train. 

Please don't listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen 
to Baron Takahira who never says nothing, and 
therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Taka- 
hira are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. 
Wu are nothing but a Yellow Peril. 

Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of 
L Anazuma, Japanese barber, are now nine years 
of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she 
must be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see im- 
proach of America Fleet, because she are interested 
in naval affairs. 

While I hold her to shoulder for see better them 
cast-iron delegation swim by on wave she declare: 

"Why are such demonstration of monstrous 
floaters here now. Uncle Togo.f^" ^ 

"To have wholesome effect on certain OrientaW 
Power," I collapse with very Tafty expression of 
publick knowledge.^ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 105 

^*What effect will such floating have on certain 
Oriental Power?'' require little Annie. 

''Them Oriental Power will build ten new 
Dreadnoughts instead of six/' I relegate. 

" So joyful ! " tabulate little Annie. " Then such 
Oriental Power will be head of all!" 

"Delay to rejoice," I subtract. ''When Hon. 
England see this he will built twelve new fight- 
ships of Lusitania class, Germany will construct 
fourteen new shoot-boats of Fatherland type, 
America will consult Senator Burton & think 
of appropriating something some time for a 
gunboat." 

"Great war will ensue when them Navies is 
did!" narrate little Annie. 

"Stop suddenly!" I dib. "When all them 
Dreadnought navies is completed they will dis- 
covery that they are five years out of style and will 
be useful as ferryboats." 

"That will be comfortable for peaceful pic- 
nicks," derange that little Annie which have close, 
childish brain. 

"What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle- 
ships ? He-say: ^More elaborate you built 
navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. 
Large steel ship are good thing for business of 
Hague,' he-say." 

" Large steel ship are good thing for business of 



io6 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Hon. Carnegie," corrode little Anne Anazuma, 
who is an advanced kindergarten. 

Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. 
Office Lad are fired off, I am 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIII 

FLIGHTY NAVIGATION OF AIR 

San Francisco, June zd. 
To Editor "New York Newspaper which sores 
alof like eagly-hird which have a noble habit 
of being flighty. 

Dearest Sir — I am given to be understood 
by newspaper information that Right Bros, 
famous airnots, has solved problemb of air 
navigation again by very delicious v^reckage. 
Them Right Bros fly-tests is always shot off with 
entire secrecy, so that Japanese navy won't be 
there to represent itself. This time them sky-boat 
manoever were witnessed by less than 2,000 
persons, mostly reporters, inventors & foreign 
powers, who seen very nicely from bushes 25 
miles away where they was hid out of range of 
Hon. Right's shoot-gun. 

New airship of Right Bros is called Mud Hen 
II., because them crafts should all be named after 
some bird what they act like. Hon. Bell's air- 
boat are called ''White Wings" because they 
never grow weary of trying to. That Mud Hen 
II. are a 6-cylinder, runabout type of airoplane 

107 



io8 LETTERS OF A 

built on model of 3 pancakes and worked with 
strings which Hon. Right have attached to 
thumbs & toes. To start them ship Hon. Right 
lays himself on stummick and runs the engine 
with his teeth. When he wish to go up he raise 
elbows & depresses toes. When he wish to 
come down he stand on his head. 

On this trip Right Bros start navigating from 
Killed Devil Hill, which is in Southern states. 
After considerable scientifick prepare them ship 
were seen to make following emotion: 

I — It went up. 

2 — It came down. 

After successful flight Orville Right were 
found comfortably setting on his airship in middle 
of Elkins swamp. Except for 2 wings fraxured, 
engine twisted off, propeller gone & framework 
on fire, them machinery landed without a mishap. 
Hon. Right were congratulating himself by 
shaking his broken hand. 

Hon. Reporter from McClunsey's Magazine 
came up to say: "I represent it.'' 

Silence from Hon. Right. 

"What natural views do you possess of mind 
about future development of airoplanes for carry- 
ing persons for traffick .?" require Hon. Muckrake. 

"I refuse to answer," response Hon. Right 
with E. H. Harriman signals. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 109 

"Oh so hurrah!" collapse them Hon. Reporter. 
"I got scoop news for McClunsey's Magazine. 
Hon. Right have spoke for first time!! " 

Mr. Editor, I am morely assured that aireal 
navigation will be very cheap sport for poor mans. 
Hickory wood are cheap, canvas are cheap, nails 
are cheap & life are cheap. All them is 
necessary for one good airship. You can borrow 
I gas-engine from another automobile. Next 
choose some bird what look safe & intelligent & 
built your fly-machine to resemble it. If you 
admire for pidgeons, then built one pidgeon-toe 
air-plane. If you think hawks is most pleasant 
fliers, all well; then make a hawkish air-boat. 
Nail all them airship together with considerable 
canvas & light hickory corners, fasten on them 
gas-engine what you have borrowed, carry such 
machinery to vacant plains & teach it to fly like 
the bird what you admire most much. 

All airships can fly, but some of them is very 
hard to teach. 

Last yesterday I was tooking a feet-walk by 
lonesome hill of Berkeley. Among daisy-cup 
grassy of steep slope I seen some machinery in 
attitude of mechanical expectation. It were a 
very cross-looking machinery like a bisickel 
whose mother was a sail-boat. Several Hon. 



no LETTERS OF A 

Professors was standing around to encourage 
Hon. Airnot with statistick about dying for 
science. Hon. Airnot speak of relatives in Kan- 
sas City and regret sinful youth with considerable 
paleness. 

''What you so trembly for.?^'^ eject Professor 
with Ben Tillman expression. "Are it possibly 
that you are afraid to go up V^ 

''O earnestly no!" collapse them Airnot, 
"I are entirely fearless about going up but it are 
thoughts of going down what give me them quaker 
feeling at elbow." 

More excitable preparation then. One Pro- 
fessor arrive with tex-book entitle, "How Do It 
to Fly"; yet some other bring telescope for see 
him long off. One medical Doctor was also 
present with muck-rakes, etc., so as to scrape 
them Airnot off trees in case of. Nervous tense 
enjoyed by all. 

So Hon. Airnot say farewell speek to persons 
present, including Hon. Wife who was in Chicago. 
He also mention several technical terms with 
considerable emotion & all Scientists present 
weep with eyes. Next he place self carefully to 
seat with assistants of one Irish man what was 
there merely to labour. Silence for pulses. 

''Are you ready .f^" inquire Hon. Professor 
with voice. 




to 

c 






6fi 
C 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY m 

^^Are!^' response them birdy hero. 

^'Then go it!" suggest Hon. Professor. Awful 
breathlessness. Hon. Airnot with brave grasp 
of wrist throw handle-crank to start engine. 
Nothing happen. Surprise from all. Hon. 
Airnot then speak automobile language & pull 
more crank-wheel with thumbs. Complete 
indifference from them engine. 

^'Chaloric energy are hypnotized/' say one 
Scientist who supposed he knew. 

"You have forgot-it to put in gasolene/' 
corrode Irish man what was there to labour. 

"So have!" say Airnot. So Hon. Gasolene 
was poured to engines with can. 

Once more prepare to start. Hon. Airnot 
take seat. Quick jerk to crank-handle. O 
banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine. 
Entire fly-machine get palpitation to resemble 
rooster severed from its brains. Irish man give 
shove, & complete bird-boat motor along ground on 
bisickel wheels. More fast & more faster it 
go, kicking up pebbles in frantick enjoyment, 
some time rising to astonishy hight of ^ inch, 
now & yet bumptious to large stone and appear- 
ing anxious to fly, but not sure how; till of sud- 
denly it make very restful flop against fence-post 
& stop desiring to continue. 

Loud shouting from all Airo Clubs present. 



112 LETTERS OF A 

''I ask to know/' I require, ''for why does all 
make such pagan noise of gladness ?" 

''For following reason," decrop one Professor, 
"because aireal navigation are solved." 

"All airships is modeled to resemble some 
kind of birds," I say for interview. "Some to 
resemble sparrows, some to resemble hawk — 
what species of birdy are this fly-boat modeled 
to resemble ?" 

"It are modeled to resemble a ostrich," say 
Hon. Airnot, picking up some fingers he lost. 

"But a ostrich are not able to fly," I snuggest. 

"Neither are this airship," say Hon. Airnot in 
whispering voice so as U. S. Govt might not 
overheard. 

So all sujurn to Airo Club banquet with excep- 
tion of Hashimura Togo & Hon. Irish which 
was not invited. We set together on grassy hill 
for slight conversation about human progress. 

"Of surely, Mike," say Irish with smoke-pipe 
of dangerous shortness, "airshipping are a 
grand sporty." 

"It are still a low-down science," I mangle. 

"Why a package of fools should do it, I am 
willing to be searched," he dib. "They spend 
I, goo's of dollar to make such a mechanical 
rooster what we seen this afternoon. They work 
for 2 year to nail it together, they hire famous 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 113 

Airnot from Kansas City, they get names in paper 
& all Science must stop thinking about serious 
things because they are so excited. Then great 
day arrive. All ready — whoof ! $6^000 airboat 
make flopping emotion and go bust by fence-post. 
Everybody happy to go home & construpt more 
airboats.'' 

'^ Great things of World are built in them v^ay/' 
I corrode for dignity. 

'^Southern Pacifick Railway w^ere not built 
in them way, you can bet it,'^ say Irish. 

''It will be a cheap way to travel in future,'' 
I nudge. 

''It are not cheap way to travel in present,'' 
decry that Hon. Irish. "By counting up all 
axidents, break-ups, refusals to go, unwillingness 
to stay up when started there, etc., it are com- 
puted by Scientists that airships has cost ;^i,ooo 
for every yard they has flew through air." 

"Such an expensive car-fare!" I derange. 

"Rates like them should be regulated by 
Congress," negotiate Hon. Irish, collecting 
together fractional pieces of airship what was 
strewed apart over hillside. 

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, are being 
a heathen awhile this summer because it are 
vacation, and because his derby was thieved by 



114 LETTERS OF A 

somebody at a Church Sociable. Missionary 
lady say him, "Arthur, you should be a sunshine.'^ 
He-say, ''Too much sunshine creates headache. 
I think I shall put up a umbrella for a temporary 
time. 

Therefore Arthur are very sinical & pessimons 
when he speak of air navigation & human races. 

"Airships," say Arthur, "are Hke souls of 
people. There are continuous talk about elevat- 
ing human race; but alarmingly seldom does souls 
get far enough off the ground to create much 
disturbance." 

"Some souls is like baloons," I mitigate. 
"They has lofty tendencies, they are filled of gas. 
They go up & stay there where it is." 

"It are easy to be ideal like a baloon," say 
Arthur. "But it are hard to be ideal like a air- 
ship. To go up on lofty thought & stay up there 
floating around without getting nowhere, that 
are job what lots persons do & say, 'O my, I are 
so High Mind!' But to go for trip in high air & 
know where you will arrive at — that are job 
for seldom and rare individuals. Such toply 
navigators can discover North Pole and become 
familiar with stars. They are not baloonists 
— they are Poets . . . " 

"Poets are continually getting bumped to 
Earth," I indulge. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 115 

"Excuse me so," say Arthur, obtaining cigar- 
ettes from me, "when not a Christian I am a 
free-thinking Japanese." 

"When thinking freely you are most rehdgous," 
I commute. 

So we close up by singing of following song- 
sing which sound very peculiar to musick of 
samisen, which is a Jewish harp made in Yeddo: 

CONVERSATION BETWEEN A JAPANESE POET 
AND A TOMMY HAWK-BIRD 

o ko-ko san 
o suki-ran 
Hashimura ichi-ban! 
Bun-bun! 

In sufSciently old-fashion time 

Of Japanese history, 

When Adam & Eve was considered late, 

Bashi-Bashi, great Poeter, 

Was a-laying near stream in Hokadate. 

Drowdy song of hum-bee 

Was seen going around 

Stinging sweet flower for honey. 

Hon. Bashi-Bashi were full of considerable lazy poetry. 

Pretty soonly 

A Tommy Hawk-bird come flattering by & perch on lim of tree. 

*T wish I could flew away like a Tommy Hawk-bird," say 

Bashi-Bashi, because he was a Poet. 
"Why you wish it?" require them fowel. 
** Because," say Poet with music, 
"As I was a fly-high animal like you. 



ii6 LETTERS OF A 

Then I might go 

To Emperor of Japan 

And get some salary. 

Then I might fly to lettuce-window 

Of love-lady 

And decry, 

*Have Bashi-Bashi, Japanese poeter, got some chances with 

you r " 
"Such a ha-ha!" salute them Hawk-bird, 
"I have flew around for years. 
And never did no such thing." 

**What you did with them power to flew ?" requite Poet. 
"I use it," 
Say Hawk-bird, 
"For respectable purpose; 
I are a married Tommy hawk — 
What would wife & eggs say. 

If I was seen flewing around strange lettuce-windows 
With a voice full of sonnets ? " 
No reply for him. 

*T have also fly to Emperor of Japan," 
Say Hawk-bird. 

"What he say?" demand Poet. 
"He-say, *Shoot them Hawk 
For stealing roosters 
From Royal Coop!'" 

O KO-KO SAN 

O suki-ran! 

Bashi-Bashi lay silently 

Near water-cress of silverous stream. 

"Things what persons need," he-say, 

"Can be obtained by walking for them, or taking bisickel, or 

else they are not to be had nohow." 
Then he go sleep. 
Filled with lazy poetry. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 117 

Mr. Editor, all human races wants something. 
They are going for it with steamboat, automo- 
bile, rail-train. Next they are after it with a 
fly-boat. I hope you will let me know when they 

finds it. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIV 

THE CONVENTIONAL MEETING OF REPS IN CHICAGO 

San Francisco, June 15th. 

To Editor New York Newspaper which are a good 
advertising and spiritualistick medium about 
proper subjecksy but must not mention pat. 
medicines because of doped results, 

AsTEAMED Sir — It are not merely Japanese 
alone which is surprised & excited over Rep 
National Convention meeting in Chicago. All- 
coloured persons is stimulated by it including Hon. 
Strunsky, Irish salooner by corner. 

" It v^ill be very august assembly/' corrode Hon. 
Strunsky by beer-glass. 

^^It v^ill be June assembly in newspapers/* I 
devote. I am suspicious of something humor- 
istick by American eye-wink from that Strunsky. 

"Them Rep National Convention will be like 
a whale-fish/' he persume. 

''Why will it be so whalish by nature.^'" I ask 
to know. 

''Because of/' he-say. "It will be very large, 
very cool and full of spouts." 

"Are it not wrong politick for Republicans to be 

118 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 119 

so fishy ?'' 1 am next to require, but Hon. Strunsky 
become busy with intemperate customers. 

Newspaper reading of press makes all Japanese 
Boys feverish of mind about such Conventions 
which are representative and something else. 
Presidents is manufactured & pulled apart by 
such a Conventions. Are it not instructiverus for 
Japanese Boys to learn how to do such things 
with Presidents ^ So we have such a Convention 
for ourselves & trade pretty numberous 
thoughts to-gether in dine-room' of Patriots 
of Japan Board & Lodging. Many ideas are 
burst by this. 

Bunkio Saguchi, Japanese taylor, sound key- 
note to say, 

*'I represent a violent Tafty sentiment; there- 
fore I should be interrupted by cheers." 

This are arranged from all. 

^* I make an emotion," discourse this Bunkio, 
*'that Hon. Taft be named by exclamation." 

"We are eager to make Tafty exclamations," 
rotate F. Matsu, '*but Hon. Roosevelt must be 
nominated first by request." 

*'Hon. Nox are more safely Pennsylvanian to 
vote for," erupt W. Furo who are a humourist 
because of his lame mind. 

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, say-so, 
''Tarified statesmen must stand patsy, resulting 



120 LETTERS OF A 

in pius victory for Jo-uncle Cannon. He are a 
splandid Lincoln Republican because of/^ 

** Because of which ?" transfer Nogi. 

*' Because of sentimental whiskers/' dally Arthur. 

"You are a Favourite Son/' say Nogi, who is 
expert in mean curses. 

More insults is enjoyed. Then there is hits 
followed by jiu jitsu. Chair furniture is smashy 
to window including text-book & Japanese break- 
a-brack. Intermission by Police. 

Japanese Boys Rep Convention adjurned 
sine diet. 

"O what is so scarce as a day in June V require 
to know Hon. Seth Lowell, American poeter. 
Answer to this is, *' Republican Convention in 
June are still more scarcer." It will of surely be 
a nice weather-condition for Chicago in June 
to have all them assorted minds going assimulusly 
in middle of Lake Shore. All sections of Chicago, 
which are not already occupied by Mayor Busse, 
will be full of Hon. W. Taft. Flags bunted every- 
where with thrills. Patriotism enjoyed by all. 

Since great World's Fire of 1898 Hon. Chicago 
have not saw anything outside of Hon. Stock- 
yards so beautiful & talented. If you got some 
kind of brain, Mr. Editor, imagine with it! 
Imagine 992 desperate statesmen which has all 




^ 

>. 



o 



c 

03 


o 


^ 


c 




o 


^ 


bH 


n 


OS 


3 


JZ 


bC 


^ 


C 


n 


n3 


j= 




^ 


C3 


o 


a- -c 




en 




O 



o 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 121 

signed the pledge to vote for something, then 
approach together for purpose. Could eye-flash 
be omitted, could heart-sob be out, could speech- 
ing with voice be neglected for such occasion ? 
Ansv^er is. No! Put imaginative opera-glass on 
them great Congregation. East & West, North 
and some sections of South, hit together in firm 
bond of union with common devotion of patriotick 
thought, ^'Let us see Chicago and go home!'^ 
Loyal Sons of same fairish land parading under 
banner of the Nice Old Party with following 
placards to show how harmonious they feel; 

'^We Want Teddy." 

"We Don't." 

"Hon. Fairbanks is Tall & Fair." 

"Hon. Nox is Short & Ugly." 

"Hon. Cannon is a Big Boom." 

"Hon. Cannon Are a False Report." 

"We Want Senator Forker." 

"We Want Rockefeller — But We Can't Have 

Him." 
"A Close Shave for Gov. Hughes." 
"Hon. Taft Will Put Down the Trusts." 
"Hon. Cannon Will Put Them Down More 

Gently." 
"Roosevelt Forever!" 
"It Looks That Way." 



122 LETTERS OF A 

Mr. Editor, if you can imagine them things it will 
not be necessary for you to buy ticket to Chicago. 
And yet them Convention will be a great service 
to see because so much of. Every State in this 
Hon. Union will be misrepresented by some great 
man or another. Oftenly two or three statesmen 
will do this. Brains will enjoy fatigue from 
enormous Thought. Prominent druggers of Chi- 
cago will get some permits to sell headache powders 
to Delegates before & after speeches. When 
nothing else seem important the Hon. Band will 
play Star Spangly Banner (national tune) and Hon. 
Delegates will play Poker (national game). Excite- 
ment will never lax. 

Little Annie Anazuma, eight-year-aged daughter 
of L Anazuma, Japanese barber, are excited 
about them Convention because she have a con- 
ventional mind. 

*'I read by papers, Uncle Togo," she-say, 
"that Republican Convention will spend :^3,ooo 
for music." 

"Musical chins is expensive," I deploy. 

"Tell me to know, Uncle Togo," she submit, 
^Svhat are a Temporarial Chairman about which 
so much reading is done of lately.?" 

"A Temporarial Chairman are a musician 
hired to toot key-note for such a Convention," 
I arrange. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 123 

^'What will be key-note of Republican Con- 
vention?'^ require that childish Japanese. 

^^You are too young to imagine/' I collapse. 
"There must be 47 key-notes to please all variety 
of RepubHcans.'' 

"Such a chairman should be a brass band/' 
signify little Annie. 

I am silent for reply. 

"Why are Senator Borrow^s called ^Julius 
Caesar' .^" are next question for that infant mind. 

"Julius Caesar are name of antique Statesman 
v^ho v^as stabbed," I berate. 

"Will Hon. Borrov^s enjoy such a stabbing.?" 
she talk off. 

"Possibly never," I derange. "Hon. Borrow^s 
will resume Hon. Chair as a very much instructed 
Delegate. He are instructed to look patriotick, 
but not to act too nervous about it. He must not 
do nothing to stampede them Convention. A 
room full of Delegates are like a yard full of mule- 
horses. They are shy about sudden noises. They 
have animal natures. They are very anxious to 
enjoy a stampede. If Hon. Temp. Chairman 
say 'Roosevelt!' of sudden with voice, then such 
kick-over, snort, hoof-tramp, squeal & pandero- 
nium mio-ht ensue that Hon. Roosevelt mio-ht be 
nominated before Hon. Fire Dept. could burst in 
& put out enthusiasm of with wet hoses. Temp. 



124 LETTERS OF A 

Chairman must arouse Republicans in soothing 
sort of way. He are allowed to mention patriots 
of Bunko Hill; but about San Juan Hill nothing 
to said. American Colonial History are nice thing 
for such occasions. 

"'Patriots & Senator Penrose/ would be quiet 
sort of beginning. 'What happen on bleak New 
English coast by several centuries of past-time .? 
Hon. Plymouth Rock was discover by boat 
Mayflower.^ 

''('Several cheers for Presidential Yacht!' 
outcry California Delegate with stampeding 
motion of thumbs.) 

'"Pilgrim Parents grew that Rock and we can 
prove it/ delude that Hon. Temp, ' and Republican 
Party are deliciously like them Plymouth Rock, 
emblem of free & brave, beautiful American 
ideal covered with moss and in garments green 
indistinct in the twilight. Quotation from Long- 
fellow ' 

"('Our ticket, Fairbanks & Longfellow !^ say 
voice from Indiana.) 

'"Plymouth Rock have stood stationary for 
I, goo's of year and refused to move itself for noth- 
ing or nobody. That are a very dignified lesson 
for Republican Party to stand on.' 

"('Banzai for Cannon & Fort!' decry voice 
with New Jersey accent.) 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 125 

" ' Plymouth Rock are a silent tribute of strength. 
One safely sane Republican President should be 
such a silent tribute. What say Hon. Dan Web- 
ster about Presidential candidates.^ He-say, ''A 
roaring stone pleases no boss." Therefore let us 
do nice job by Republican faith, a faith what is 
builded on stones of ancestors and rocks of Wall 
Street.' 

" (Faint shrieking of ' Teddy ! ' from uninstructed 
Arizona delegate. Stampede repressed by fire- 
drill.)" 

''Are Hon. Caesar choice of Administration ?" 
enquire little Annie. 

"So sorry to reply," I dement. ''Hon. Bever- 
age are more sweethearted to Hon. Administration, 
but patriotick Senators say he are too intemperate 
with talk." 

"Prohibition Republicans is opposed to all 
Beverages," abrogate little Annie, resuming doll- 
play of childhood. 

Hon. Taft got back shortly ago from Panama 
Canal where he was sent to study Republican 
Majority. He are now nervous about a trip to 
Philippine Islands where he is anxious not to be 
needed till after Convention have got through with 
him. Hon. Taft do not seek no nomination, but 
he are willing to occupy address where he can be 



126 LETTERS OF A 

found if looked for. Philippine Islands is too 
distant for such modesty. If duty called Hon. Taft 
to such farness away, I bet my bootware he would 
hear duty making race-riot in Chicago during 
middle of June. 

Hon. Taft are largest Policyholder in Roose- 
velt Insurance Society. He will be nominate so 
easily that it appear deceptive. I know because I 
am aware. I am sometimes full of rejoice that I 
have not got a ticket for that Hon. Convention 
because it would be a tired thing to set for 5-day 
race in them Convention Hall to hear something 
happen what you know is arranged in advance. 

Mr. Editor, newspaper-press of all-coloured 
politicks has enjoyed considerable agony about 
White Shadow of Administration hovvering over 
them Convention. 

I presume of my knowledge that Hon. Roosevelt 
are setting in them Light House at Washington 
suffering from pains in laughing-bone. He hear 
them Malefactors nervously chattering teeth about 
III Term, he are conscious about excitement from 
Subsidized persons which looks over shoulders for 
fearful of More of It; he are aware of very 
solidified O-Hio curses with instructions to 
Look Out. 

But Hon. Roosevelt, setting in barber-chair at 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 127 

Light House, are smoking smoke and carving on 
deathly end of Big Club following instructions, 
"7*0 he Preserved in Alcohol until Needed in 

"You have been President once and §/' say 
Jacob Riis from press chair. 

"Of sure I have,'' say Hon. Pres., "and I gave 
American audiences a very nice performance." 

"Every good performance deserve an encore," 
admire Hon. Riis. 

"I have been hunting them for several year," 
say Hon. Roosevelt for parlayzed expression of 
thought. "And many of them are still alive & 
savage." 

"What you speak of," enquire Hon, Riis, 
"them Trusts.^" 

"No," renig Hon. Roosevelt, "them Bears." 

"What else to do when all is over.f^" require 
Hon. Jake. 

"I shall go to Wales and hunt rabbits." 

"Why such distances away.?" derange him. 

"Wales is nice country for rests. In Wales 
they do not know a rebate from a rabbit." 

After this is loud scratching from pencils. 

Hoping you will send me a free wire telegraf 
if Hon. Roosevelt gets elected by mistake, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XV 

America's bang up ceremony 

San Francisco, June 30th. 
To Editor New York newspaper which act grand 
to my hummbelness. 

Dear Mr. — I am a familiar case. There- 
fore permit me to ask one humour reproach about 
something very mixed which are going to happen 
to these U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony 
have occur so oftenly to America that persons 
should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to 
get used to whatever happen in eventual time. 
Japan have gradual became innocule to hon. 
beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must 
have one. Hawaii islands also feels ditto about 
lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty custom 
among natives who got it. China are used to 
opium-smoke, England are used to Parliament. 
Then why-so these America never get used to 
July 4th .^ I ask to know. 

Answer is this: She never will! She think may- 
be-so she might, when something discouridge 
occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous 
medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better. 

12S 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 129 

Joyful pops in distance. "Ha!'^ she say for 
bluff, ^^I am vaccinated with gunpowder/' Louder 
and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang 
musick until some fraxures bust to window. 
Then silences. ^^ Heavenly praise !'' say Hon. 
America, ^^in another minutes I should do a 
scream.'' Of suddenly large curl of smoke are 
saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard 
blazes. Local hook-corps come with hose in time 
to rake together ashes of sweet home & fireshade. 
Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy 
some hysterick. 

Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate 
chumb, make a humoristick remark when I tell 
him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, 
"Hon. America can't no more get used to July 4th 
than she can get used to Hon. Roosevelt." I hope 
you will convulse yourself with this joke, because 
it sound very delicious in Japanese. 

I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so 
it are necessary to blow up America once annually 
to make them patriotick. I am replied by 
snickkers from many. Yet others indulge me 
with following answer: "We must make con- 
siderable Jar in order to remind us of American 
Flag." So fooly excuse! Do Hon. Japan have 
to blow herself up once annually in order to 
remind her of that dear sun-banner ? Answer is, 



130 LETTERS OF A 

No!! When Hon. Japan wish to remind herself 
of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, 
which will do pretty well. 

By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco 
for silent reflecion on patriotism, etc., I am shook 
around by Port Arthur explosions from all direc- 
tion. It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away 
& was scratching himself with thunderbolts. 
Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small 
firework was aggrevated by occasional intense 
jar of mammal torpedo. At corner of St. I seen 
one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 
a-blowing on dynamite fuse to make her go up. 

"Before finishing yourself,'* I snuggest with 
kind face, "please told me why you wish make 
such an explode.'' 

"Because of Revolutional War/' surrogate 
them tiny child. 

" Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent 
instructions about Revolutional War history ?'* 
I request for answer. 

"Of sure it do!" declaim them kidly youth 
procuring flames from matchbox. 

"If you can bang yourself wise," I dally, 
"please name 8 generals what faught with Hon. 
Washington at Valley Forges." 

"Name them yourself," say them child, "can't 
you be able to see how busy I are ?" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 131 

And when he thusly say-it all them firework 
burst up & he are blowed to ambulance. I was 
sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fire- 
works, so I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say 
following for tearful eye, 

'^Dear sir, I explain it that your child are con- 
siderably bursted." 

"Boys will be boys," say Hon. Parents for 
Christian Science expression. 

''Boys will be angels when not careful," I 
relapse with Red Cross eyewink. 

I got personal trouble suflSciently without July 
4th to come & add some weariness. My uncle 
Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive 
to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a 
entirely jay Japanese, considerably neglectful of 
American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono 
which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby 
hat on him, which is fashionable, yet I can seen 
persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by. 
American derby annex to Japanese kimono are 
nice symbol of modern Japan. It appear quite 
hellish. 

Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance ? 
Ah no! I must retain him reverently because he 
are a ^ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I 
entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. 



132 LETTERS OF A 

Strunsky, Irish patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer 
should be served in a cup & saucer. He-say 
this kingdom give him musical ears & a 
brain-ache. 

''Were America discover by axidents?'* he 
enquire to know. 

''Almost entirely," I congratulate. 

"With care it might have been avoided/' emit 
that oldy man. 

" Hon. America v^ere discover by Mr. Columbus, 
July 4, 1776," I say for slight bore of tone. 

"Tell me everything/' attack Uncle Nichi, 
who expect to stay here indefinitely. 

"On them date I said it," is further from me, 
"Hon. Columbus approach to Boston with iron 
fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & 
Gen. Grant, both nice fighters and anxious to 
get into American history. Pretty soonly they 
seen monument of Bunco Hill & there — beholt 
it! — was Brittish troop with flag by command of 
Gen. Corn Wallace " 

"Excuse me to interrupt," degrade my ^ 
ancestor. "If Hon. Columbus discovery these 
U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there 
already .?*" 

"Most schoolboys is familiar with story," I 
dib with proud cigar. "So I may proceed, thank 
you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 133 

jacky & quick-fire ammunition. 'You must 
fight us, please/ he-say to Brittish troop. 'O 
no, not to do!' they renig with accent, 'We must 
not fight on July 4th because it are a legal holiday.' 
Therefore Hon. Columbus ship them Brittish 
troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an 
entirely free kingdom." 

"And next what.^" surrogate Uncle Nichi 
wakefully. 

"And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pitts- 
burgh where he was crowned President & 
Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all 
summer." 

^^And what happen to Hon. Columbus.?" 
corrode Unc. 

"He go back to Spain where he was lynched," 
I collapse. 

" So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever 
since ?" he ask it. 

"With regular explosions," I narrate. 

"Flrecracks are an invention of the devil," 
twitch Uncle Nichi for superstitious look. 

"They are an invention of the Chinese," I 
retard, "and that may be quite similar." 

"Most crimes can be traced to China," say 
Nichi for racial prejudice. 

"So July 4th will arrive presently," I make 
known. 



134 LETTERS OF A 

^'How shall I know when it is came?^' he ask 
to know. 

''How can you miss it ?" I bewail. 

"Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of 
American patriotism/' begin Uncle Nichi, but I 
am able to delude him away for care-fare ride 
price IOC. 

Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick 
$3,000,000 are burned off of xA^merica by each 
annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built i of 
them battleships what Congress feel too poor to 
vote. Six hundred persons is entirely killed by 
this yearly bang-up. Such a number would 
make a very nice crew for such a battleship. 
They might sail it & never enjoy death until old 
age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all 
Americans to avoid purchase of firework for i 
year & sent the money to Senator Hobson to 
buy such a patriotick boat ? It might be painted 
of red colour to resemble firecrackers & would 
be a floating monument to all brave Americans 
who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest 
thought. 

Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something 
with sweet voice! I can hear you said, "That 
Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; 
else why he make such a rail against July 4th, 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 135 

when all them firework what is burned for glory 
are of Japanese parentage?'' Quite so truthful 
it are for you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky- 
racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, nigger-chase 
& Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of 
Japanese parentage, but they was very temperate 
& well-behaving when made in Japan. It were 
when they began to be manufactured in New 
Jersey that they became boystrous, disappated 
&c_ disorderly shoots. 

By olden date of time it were custom for cash- 
wealthy Daimo what was feeling joyful about his 
ancestors to invite selection of persons to come 
his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, 
then Hon. Daimo would set afire one flower- 
pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled 
with fiery blossoms to resemble botany. 

"That are a lily-plant of firework,'' say Hon. 
Daimo, "How you like?" 

"O how sweet!" declaim all guests bumping 
forehead with hissy politeness. Then they drink 
tea & go home with calm medetations about great 
emperors & other famous politicians. 

Japan do not make such blazes very muchly 
now days. She too busy with ordinary killing 
machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. 
When Japan have got to nail together 6 new 
Dreadnothings annually for all-time of future in 



136 LETTERS OF A 

order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got 
to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors ? But 
she do it slyly now & then. 

And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when 
I see small kidly boys a-blowing off noises on them 
July 4 date. Memory of Concors & Lex. are 
worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out 
eyes for such a memory are wastefuUy unnecessary. 
Independance Day are a variety of intemperance, 
and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by 
Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this ? 
He-say, ^'Intemperance are a good thing when 
took moderately." A very slight July 4th could 
not hurt anybody — not even a College Professor 
what often injure his fine brains a-thinking about 
Standard Oil & how get some. 

Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of 
wood next July 4th and there enjoy lonesome pick- 
nick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, 
followed by this poem, which are less complete still: 

O Columbia the jam of the ocean, 

The home of the Greek and the Slav, 
Some object of frequent devotion. 

What nice summer climate you have! 
With them garland of firework around you, 

With picknick & baseball game, too, 
O this Jap Boy are glad he have found you — 

Banzai for such red, white & blue. 

(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.) 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 137 

Hoping you will not go away and leave your 
insurance in the office, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi 
Maxim, explosion man, have invent a species of 
powder what explode silently. When this are 
used soldiers can talk during entire battles with 
out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim Jr. can 
fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won't he 
be a greater benefatter to human races than Sir 
Ike Newton ? I require no answer. H. T. 



XVI 

CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH ? 

San Francisco, July ist. 

To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like 
Hon, Sampson ^ murder deceptive tigers 
with ham-bone of a mule. 

Dear Sir — In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal 
river of darky Africa, nervous tense of suppressed 
excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed 
by splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios 
residing there. Seldom have foliage of uncut 
Nature made such a nice invitation for a dis- 
tinguished visitor to come and shoot at it. Sel- 
dom in Chicago was such 45-minute demonstration 
gave to One Man by a convention of entirely 
wild animals. Seldom in history of Nature- 
fake have Hon. Tom Seton or Hon. John Burro 
observed animals doing such behaviour without 
going to jail. Imagine with your brain, Mr. 
Editor, such squeak-rore & bellus of 10,000 
elephants assisted by tigers and other dennisons 
of forest which has talent for making noises if 
nothing else! It are like a suffragette caucus 
in winter quarters of Barnum & Bailey; it are 

138 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 139 

the voice of Nature becoming hoarse with ovation 
of banzai for the King of the Juggle, a Ramrod 
among hunters, the only entirely retired Emporer 
that ever told the Truth about Africa at the rate 
of $2 a word and ^4 for hard ones! 

In deeps of juggly forest Mother Elephant set 
neath cocanuts & hold Baby Elephant in her 
arms. 

"What aily you, tender Infant?'' she require 
for worry, brushing back its goldy locks. 

"Female mother," he prattle, "what date of 
calendar do it be ?" 

" To-day are Thursday, Aug. 13, by N. Y. 
Journaly' she reclaim for nervous calm. 

"Ah sad!'' sob Hon. Child, winding trunk 
around neck of its female mother. "It are such 
a length of time till!" 

"Till which .?^" blow-out she. 

"Till March 4th," remark child, "when Hon. 
Roosevelt may obtain a vacation for 4 years & 
come Africa to shoot Father." 

"Hush, child," say Hon. Mother Elephant. 
" Hon. Roosevelt have got other large game besides 
Elephants on his hands. He have got Mr. Taft." 

"And when Mr. Taft are entirely elected, 
what then-so V^ 

"And then-so your Mother & Father will 
both receive some very distinguished shoots from 



140 LETTERS OF A 

that great mans. And maybe, if you are a very 
good little Baby Elephant and do not climb no 
trees, maybe you too will get a nice little bullet 
from Hon. Roosevelt." 

So Baby Elephant go sleep on shoulder-blade 
of Mother without no more lullabys. 

Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib- 
jab, the man-chewing Tiger, who is a friend of Mr. 
Kipling's. He set by bright pooly-water worship- 
ing his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make 
look like Emperor Wm. When along come 
Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with 
prussic acid & sliding along on the seat of his 
stummick. He are reading Hon. Kipling's 
'^ Juggle Book" so as learn some nice snake- 
language for make welcome speech of Hon. 
Roosevelt when he arrive. 

^'Good morning. Jib-jab," he say to friend, 
biting him on tail for playful salute. "Are 
Presidential Program collaborately prepare for 
to be shot off when Hon. Pres. make arrival .?" 

''Of sure it are!" say Tiger with Frank Hitch- 
cock expression. "I have enjoyed considerable 
literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb 
who make appointment with me for meet Hon. 
Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909^ when I will be 
entirely shot." 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 141 

" How you do to receive such honour ? " snuggle 
Hon. Snake. 

*'On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be 
standing neath cocanuts with very tigerly expres- 
sion of angry rage. Growls from me. From 
under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish 
hunters armed to teeth with photographer's 
supplies. Snap'Snap — I snagger back, riddled 
with kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, 
but ere I can do a sneak I are surrounded 
by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame 
Phillips, Jack London, Bat Masterson, W. K. 
Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate scouts 
famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word 
and 50c for hard ones. Trembling in 4 lims 
& tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas 
F. Ryan. All are complete then, except the 
Finish. 

^'Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in 
top-trees cease tune-whistling. Monkeys in up- 
twig cease practising after-dinner speeches. 

^'Then in the midst of hushes. One Man step 
forthly. It are. 

" ^Hon. Ted,' say Hon. Riis, ^this are Hon. 
Tige.' Paw-shakes are did with exhibitions of 
teeth from both us. 'Dee-light!' say Hon. Roose- 
velt ($4 for this word) and step hackly to 30 pace. 
'Head little to right, please' (^10) he dib, and 



142 LETTERS OF A 

Crack- Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. *Bang!' 
(^2) say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give 
up my sinful soul with a mean snarl. After them 
exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth 
^680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $^ a 
word. Since King Midas died from swallowing 
his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so 
expensively.^^ 

''Land of sakes!'^ abjeck Hon. Snake with 
poison face, "I am filled with venum to think 
what famous Brute you will be while I am merely 
wormly & equal to zero with a wiggle on it. 
While you are meeting all them fashionable 
literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing 
else." 

"Cease to grouch!*^ commute Hon. Tige. ''If 
you get industrious & bite somebody maybe you 
will get beaten to jello with Big Club, and thusly 
have name in newspaper-prints among other 
noted malefacktors.'' 

My Cousin Nogi, who are enjoying grouchies 
this week because Miss Furioki to which he are 
still married as wife has made a lope with S. 
Wanda, Japanese Socialist, come-me and say 
following for politickal rebuke: 

"On March 4, 1909, scenery of disturbance will 
shift from Washington to Africa.'* 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 143 

" Hon. Roosevelt are very fond of dum animals/' 
I hob-nob. ^^They can not talk back for 
repartee." 

"It are a great rest-cure to become an entirely 
desperate hunter. While stabbing a tiger it are 
very difficult to remember party lines & other 
ugly liars. Grasping them furyus lepard by 
juggly vein v^ith cruel eyes standing on end & 
teeth firmly planted in shoulder for delicious bite 
— on them occasion how tame must seem com- 
panionship of E. H. Harriman, Hon. Fork Till- 
man, & Hon. Jo Forker!" 

"What-say Hon. Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, 
about this ?" I reject. ^'He-say: 

" Let old acquaintance be forgot 
And never brought to mind. " 

At this quotation Sydney Katsu, Jr., make 
come-in to my room for borrow toothbrush. 

"What grand American have wrote some light 
tex-book on angry animals to be shot in Africa ?" 
he ask-it. 

"Some distinguished African might do this 
intelligently," I snuggest for help. 

"I have perused inside of entire edition of 
Hon. Booker Washington," repose Sydney, "and 
there I find chapter on ^Care & Culture of Mules 
by Young Coloured Niggers' — and yet he are 



144 LETTERS OF A 

suspiciously silent about brutal beasts to be 
murdered on Jambeezi Creek." 

''African subjecks is kept very dark by edu- 
cated Africans/' I drib for laughing-joke which 
sound delicious in Japanese. 

"I enjoy considerable puzzle," corrode Sydney. 
"If no light books is to be had about them 
carnibblous animals of darky Africa, how we 
know what expect when Hon. Roosevelt go 
shoot it.?" 

"At $2 a word one may expect anything," 
I dib. ^'Hon. Gulliver wrote delicious travels for 
much less." 

"Hon. Gulliver were a short & ugly tourist," 
notate Nogi. 

Then in come Uncle Nichi, my \ ancestor, 
wearing congressional shoes which irritate his 
straw-seed appearance of Japanese farmer. He 
banish in hand i piece tab-paper of which he are 
foolishly proud. 

"So glad!" he rake-out. "I got here a sweet 
list of all mad animals what reside there in dam 
section of Congo riverside." 

"Who give you such lists .?" I require for shame 
because he is my bloody relation. 

"Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, who say he 
has been to all parts of Africa & Indiana." 

"Read it, please," say Sydney Katsu, Jr., who 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 145 

are oftenly polite because he are not related to 
Uncle Nichi. 

So Uncle Nichi with jay spectacles read follow- 
ing deceptive list of brutal beasts to be shot from 
foliage of Africa by persons what sees them: 

Piehrock — a six-legged steer what subsist on 
malt beveridges which he take through a 
straw because he have no teeth. He pulls 
corks with a horn which grows from the back 
of his neck. He can be easily told from a 
fagdoo because he are a different animal. 
He are fond of distinguished visitors and 
enjoys Washington gossip when entirely 
pure; but he are seriously dangerous when 
bored. When pursued he swallows his feet- 
prints, thus concealing his identity. Scarce 
during Presidential Years. 

Yelk — a species of pantomome, full of delicious 
flavours, but awful hostile w^hen killed. 
You can easily tell him from other kinds of 
horse because he have a head on both ends, 
so he appear to be approaching when back- 
ing off. He often lead hunters to doom by 
his kind expression. 

Ook — same as a yelk with smooth corners. 

Hawbuck — this are the only kind of cow that 
sleeps in trees. He are a very economickal 



146 LETTERS OF A 

mammal. When hungry he lays a dozen 
eggs and eats them. Hunters is warned not 
to shoot this brute in the eyes, because he 
ain't got any and enjoys great rages when 
reminded of it. To kill him, tickle him in 
soles of feet so he will get mad & spit out 
his heart. His habits are valvular & con- 
junctive. He is just as apt to be found in 
Africa as anywhere else. 
Tum-tum — a very small camel used by natives 
to hunt rats. He do this by 

"Kindly cut-out!" dib Nogi for shocked expres- 
sion, "if Hon. Roosevelt should heard you he 
would place your photo in his Roguish Gallery 
and you would be celled in Liars' Row until 
called for." 

"Would it not be graceful act for mail this 
list to Hon. Loeb.f*" say Unc with second-child 
expression. "Hon. Roosevelt might avoid such 
callackerous beasts if he knew about them." 

"He might, but would he.?" is reject from all 
Japanese Boys present. 

Mr. Editor, already lull of Great White Peace 
are settling over Washington. Hon. Roosevelt 
find himself with nothing to say and Hon. Taft 
are saying it to satisfaction of Republican Party. 
All is quiet along the Patomack to-night except 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 147 

now and then a stray rebate is shot, as it runs 
toward the Court of Appeals, by a rifleman hid 
behind the Treasury Building. The world are 
being run from Oyster Bay, and everybody 
are so happy & contented, thank you, that Hon. 
Newspapers is reviewing the Thaw case because 
they ain't got nothing disagreeable to talk about. 
The Greatest Man in America set among saga- 
mores & gaze with eyebrows to shore of beautiful 
Connecticut 

Where every prospect pleases 
And only politicks is rotten. 

"All work & no play make Kermit a dull boy," 
he-say for deelight. "I are considerable darn 
tired of bearing America on my neck. I fain for 
to recreate. I fain to get something free & 
easy like frollicking from velt to kop at dewey 
eve snagging lightly in my teeth the following 
trophies of the chase: 

1 gentleman elephant consisting of 6 tons 
& tusks. 

2 Royal Bangor tigers of cross disposition. 

8 ooks & a hawbuck resembling a feather 
boa. 

21 wild Boers. 

3 ground squirrils. 



148 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

"African elephant/' say Hon. T.," are more 
superior to Republican elephant because he are 
entirely wild and free and refuse to pile tariff 
planks for no Trusts/' 

So on March 4th, Mr. Editor, Africa will 
receive what are coming that way. When front 
door of White House are enlarged to carriage 
entrance for the Greatest Figure in the Party, 
from back door of that kingly place gentleman 
with elephant gun will rough-walk away followed 
by Kermit with a hatchet to cut off their heads. 
Can any bright Japanese Schoolboy win a prize 
by guessing name of them departing ? 

The tumble & the spouting dies, 

The Congress and the King depart — 

So ends the Constant Exercise: 
Now let the Expedition start! 

With waggly regards from O-Fido. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XVII 

THE HON. GASOLENE 

San Francisco, July 5th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper^ celebrated for 
its Nationality and nice printing. 

Dear Sir — What say Hon. Galileo when 
enjoying execution by ax .^ He say, "This World 
do move!" Then neck-chop ensue to interrupt 
that great thought at wind-pipe. If Japanese 
Boy was there he would enquire to know, "What 
do move this World, please .f^" Answer for this 
reply is: "Hon. Gasolene do!'^ 

One quaint American proverb say, "Where 
there is Smoke there is Blazes.'' This is especially 
truthful about Pittsburgh. Yet how much more 
proverbial it would be to say it, "Where there is 
Smell there is Speed." I know because! 

Mr. Editor, I do not possess of my ownership 
any automobiles, but my cousin Nogi gave me 
acquaintance to Hon. G. W. Yosho, celebrated 
coachman for all tour-cars. This Yosho wear 
rubber uniform of Japanese Field Marshal. He 
appear to look like Marquis Oyama, but is much 
more important about it. I reverence him 

149 



I50 LETTERS OF A 

because he have killed several Americans and some 
Christians. 

"Hon. Yosho/' I collapse with Japanese 
salute, "nobody not yet have invited me to ride 
in one.'^ 

"Maybe so it might," he subdivide with for- 
getful expression. 

"Do automobiles make persons civilized?'* 
I require for answer. 

"Ask the Motor Man!" signify this Hon. 
Yosho making buzz-buzz of machinery and 
disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I 
hope to become a dear acquaintance to this Yosho 
who would be a very nice friend for chumb. 

Next I go to livery stable where automobiles 
is kept. There I met Motor Man who suspect me 
of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. 
I become immediately deceptive. He suffocate 
me with international courtesy. He show me 
several tour-cars of delicious machinery. 

"How much for price of red automobile?" 
I enquire to know. 

"Red automobile is ;^8,ooo by price, Mr. 
Count," he collapse with politeness. 

"How much for price of green automobile?" 
I ask for haughty reply. 

"Green automobile is ^2,000 for price, Hon. 
Sir," he dictate for reverence. 










o 



o 



£ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 151 

"Quite well/' I retrograde. ''Then paint 
red automobile green and Japanese Boy will take 
it for ^2,000." 

This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate 
to me one cigar of value 25c and we enjoy a very 
elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which 
is a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient his- 
tory, say this Motor Man, Hon. Gasolene was a 
very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful 
for removing raspberries from gloves and could 
be employed in cook-stoves for explosions. Gaso- 
lene was next discovered to be one nice chemical 
for insurance. This gave it publick interest 
which made it necessary for all forms of motor. 
("What is home without a motor.?" require little 
Annie Amazuma, who have a flashy mind for 
9 year age.) 

Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne 
that it appear deceptive. '' Though lost to sight 
to memory strong'' and "Gone, but not forgotten" 
was once fashionable for funerals. Them 
remarks is now mostly heard at automobile 
races. 

Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for 
future, say Motor Man. Niagara Falls will be 
runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will 
go by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse- 
stable into garage and gather hay by gasolene. 



152 LETTERS OF A 

Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot 
off by Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse 
Guards on prancing motor-cycles will make 
desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with 
light runabout division on left wing while auto- 
mobile batteries from hills will make consider- 
able banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. 
By shot & shell, shout-call, enjoyment of death 
& wounds, long red line of touring-cars will charge 
from trenches while all day long them commissary- 
buggies will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to 
bring more gasolene from Army Canteen. Jap- 
anese air-navy of fly-machines will do something, 
too, probably, with them i,ooo horse-power 
aromatic engines. O such delightful banzai! 
Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of 
punctuated tires — Nippon forever! On, men 
of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of gasolene 
for home & garage. 

This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. 
What say Hebrew Prophet .? '' He smelleth the 
battle from away off and he yelleth 'O my!"' 

This Motor Man tell me some serious truth 
about Hon. Gasolene when took internally by 
victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails, 
cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When con- 
tinually enjoyed by human interior it make 
result of one very nervous disease what hon. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 153 

doctor-book call locomobile ataxia. When you 
have got this sickness, Mr. Editor, you will know 
it by following course of symptoms: 

1 — When tour-earring on roadway you sud- 

denly find out you are* too slow. 

2 — You mortgage on home to buy something 

of swift red colour. 

3 — You are greedy to break it. You break 

record, speed-law & crank-shaft in short 
period. Then you break neck and quit it. 

4 — You go to hospital to forget wife & child. 

5 — You deceive doctor by honking yourself to 

death. 

If you have done them symptoms, Mr. 
Editor, you had better worry, because you 
are a ill person. 

One great sporty event is now approaching 
to Pacific Coast by inches. It is that trip of 
horse-racing automobiles travelling by snow- 
plough from New York to Paris. Them auto- 
mobiles is quite international and has been froze 
to death in four languages already. They expects 
to enjoy Alaska & Siberia in the same way. 
Shuddering is unpleasant to such heroes. 

Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry, desire 
to make bet-sum of money with me for ^i. I am 



154 LETTERS OF A 

an entirely sporting Japanese, Mr. Editor. I 
am willing to risk enormous sum of money if I 
am sure I can be able to get it back with interest 
at some proper percentage. I am disagreeable 
about any bet what is a speculation; but I am 
recklus about gambling when it is a good invest- 
ment. Therefore, what car will win ? America 
car is now most patriotic about getting ahead 
— yet what would happen to my money if that 
automobile should enjoy train-wreck while going 
over Rocky Mountains in Pullman car ^ 

I follow this race for one weektime by press- 
notice and get these excitable items to inclose 
for you: 

Monday — American car drawn by Hon. Bill 

Firkins' tame mare "Florence" forges loi 
^ yards through snow-drift. 
Tuesday — Italian-speaking car, driven by 2-mule- 

power borrowed from Hon. Rube Brown, 

make entry to Paris, Neb. 
Wednesday — Italian mules pass American 

i-horse-power mare. 
Thursday — American snow-plow " Governor 

Hughes" set pace for all comers. 
Friday — Hay is distributed along racecourse by 

gallant American troups so that motor-power 

can stop for lunch. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 155 

Saturday — French car "Motor-Block" dis- 
covered in Chicago speaking the language. 

"How will them motoring-cars go it in Alaska 
where horses is scarce to find ?" Sydney Katsu, 
Jr., enquire for tip. 

"Dogs is very obliging as beast of burden in 
them arctick," I relapse. "In Siberia reindeers 
of very high gear is pleasant for automobiling.'' 

"Large supplies of Hon. Gasolene is necessary 
for such trip/' say that light-mind Sydney. 

"Large supply of Hon. Oats is more better for 
fuel/' I relapse with American eye-wink. 

Please enjoy this poetry which I make to look 
like it: 

DREAM WHICH FOLLOWED ESTEEMED DOUGH- 
NUTS I ATE 

O-MOTO-SAN, O-LOCO-SAN, 

My soul is agreeable to-night! 

Am I ? It seems to be I am reclining 

Among the Irish-flowers of dear Japan, 

Such fragral! 

Birds is songing from memory, 

Breezes is also there to some extent; 

Japanese Boy is there by moonlight 

To naturally take it pleasantly — 

And yet he do not!! 

O why, then ? Because this: 

Mountain Fujiyama is setting on his breastbone expecting to 

remain for conversation about topicks. 
Japanese Boy is very polite to this Fuji 



156 LETTERS OF A 

Because it is entirely holy. 

So he speak gentle, 

Gentle like cockroaches waltzing on Brussels carpets. 

"O Fuji," dictate this Boy, 

"You are too elderly to mention, place of thundering climate 
& sacred mildew, nice peak for sublime thought, also 
for Hon. Tourist to pay guide make walk-up — 

Excuse me, please, when I express it 

How I feel you was more better been 

Where you was than where you is. 

Therefore I hint you get from off 

From my collarbone, if convenient!" 

But Fuji, important hill. 

Make rumbling from fire in nose. 

*'Togo," he say, 

**You know what about Japan ? 

It have got one new god to run everything!" 

**What called is this diety person ?" I collapse. 

*'He is called Hon. Gasolene," say Fuji. 

(I make American eye-wink) 

** Prior gods of Japan led Simply Life, 

Water God turn wheel, 

Air God blow sail. 

Fire God bake potatoes — 

Then what say-so Japan ? 

'Too slow!!' 

Japan say, 'Look what 's there! 

Why do America wheel 

Go buzz-around so fastly ? 

How she do-it make Waterbury watch 

Including soap and other civilization ? 

How she do-it which make Marquis of St. Louis 

Speed-away all time 

In red chug-chug jinrikisha ?' 

Then answer one great Japanese scientist. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 157 

'Gasolene, please!' 

With such result," deject O-Fujiyama, 

"Japan get hurry-ofF-do-quick 

Bang-up, slam-down, bust-trust excitement. 

Temple bells is rung by steam. 

Shrines of ancestors whistle like factory, 

Gods of Japan is buying tickets for Nirvana — 

So long for all them happy history, 

Fare-bye, times of dear gone off! 

Japan is getting too smart 

For old fashion Volcano." 

With such say-so 

Hon. Fujiyama kick Japanese Boy 

Outside of his dream. 

Wake to dawn-rise, Japanese Boy, 
Eject yourself to duty of day! 
Morn has came 

And hymn of praise is telling about it from 85c alarm clock 
and doing so quite well, thank you! 

Once more to speak of crime and then not to 
mention Gasolene again. I hear by editorial 
print how 12,000,000 mans has been arrested in 
automobiles for past year. All forms of burglary, 
including murder & assassination, has been much 
less arrested than this. Therefore it prove how 
sinful is automobiles. 

American society is divided into two sharp 
classes with police between them. Them who 
has automobiles is called Predatory Rich, them 
who has not is called Propaganders. When 
Socialism is elected each person will have i auto- 



158 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

mobile; but them machinery will be out of style 
by then-time. Such a discouraging thought to 

enjoy! 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — I enquire to know from my Cousin 
Nogi, ''Why is automobiles painted blue?*' 

"To distinguish them from horses which is 
seldom found in them fast colours/' collapse that 
idle Japanese. 

Is this scientifick fact ? H. T. 



XVIII 

AMERICANS BASE GAME OF BALL 

San Francisco, July 9th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper which have no 
Sporty Column and are careless about Which 
Ltckt in Prize Fite exercises^ yet are willing 
to report all Human Races. 

Dearest Sir — Uncle Nichi recently-time 
make home-come with extra pink sporty edition 
of last week New York newspaper-print. He- 
say, "I buy it because it are a blush-colour to 
resemble Hon. Police Gazat, sweet family paper.'' 

On them sporty-page, Mr. Editor, was consider- 
able chatter-talk about baseballing and other 
crimes left over from front page. There I learn- 
how one N. Y. gentleman of name McGraw have 
'discovered two new stars" and I are glad, 
because Astronomy are a nice knowledge to revere; 
but when I read ''Hon. McGraw have broken a 
fresh Pitcher" I enjoy tense disgust. Why such 
excitement about a milkman which are nothing 
but a Swede born in Switzerland .^ 

Sporty Editor of this paper make a very kind 
offer by large tipe. He-say, 

159 



i6o LETTERS OF A 

^^ Eech reader of this Page what got a Question 
to ask it about Baseballtngy please do so &" we 
endeavor to reply if possibly can-do ^ 

So I am very grateful to him & send follow- 
ing Bally question about a Game I seen & got 
worried : 

''Please, when Hon. Knock batt Hon. Ball with 
knock-stick till it make streek to sky & of finally 
lower itself followed by Second Basso & 3 Herders 
while Hon. Knock make running from Bass to 
Bass & Hon. Ball come more lowly and still lower 
till 2 Herders hold uply their hands for grabb & 
downd come Ball & aint caught because someone 
negleckt to (great rory-yall from bleached seats) 
so Hon. Knock he gallop-to Thirdly Bass while 
all struggly to grasp Ball which do a bounce with 
deceptive expression & Hon. Knock stob toe & 
fall paralell while running, so Hon. Catch 
get Ball & hasten with it to where it started 
from — how much would such a Play count for 
both sides.?" 

To-day I receive following reply: 

^^Your intelligent letter was read by our Puzzle 
Editor who IS dangerously deadT 

Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble, have 
gone entirely mania on subjeck of Baseballing. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY i6i 

He oftenly speaks of White Sox and Giants with 
voice, and many Japanese Boys supposes he is 
right. Of recently he come me with National 
League expression of teeth to say it. 

"Togo, we are gathering up a Japanese baseball 
9 for play with.'' 

"How many must be in such a 9?" I ask to 
know. 

"About 15 are sufficiently numberous,'' expose 
Yoni. "There must be i Catch, i Stopper, 3 
Bassos, I Pitch — " 

("A Pitch in time saves a Nine," I report for 
cute smart quotation.) 

"Also 3 Knockers and 6 Herders." 

"What are duties for them Herders, if they got 
any.^" is query I make. 

"Herders is most skilful of all ballplays," 
parade Yoni. "They must be able to play inside 
& outside of Grounds. They must be fearless 
fence-climbers & able to arrive over before Hon. 
Ball do. They must be reckless about coUeckting 
Ball on 3d or 4th bounce when all others can't 
do-so. Lots of teams loses entire games because 
they has not got enough of them Herders." 

" If you gather up such a Japanese team who 
would play with it r' I subsist. 

"Some Christian team perhapsly," corrode 
Yoni. 



i62 LETTERS OF A 

"Ah not to do!" I dib. "Christian teams is 
too busy bursting Sabbath among themselves to 
do basebaUing with such a heathens hke us." 

"What to do for a challenge?" submit poor 
Yoni Hashimoto with entirely dafF expression. 

So I go-see Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, & 
I say him, 

"Who would be suitable team for play-ball 
with Japanese Schoolboy 9.?" 

"Old Soldiers Home might do so," say he rolling 
beer-kag. 

"Is them Old Soldiers athletick.?" I require for 
answer. 

"They are entirely cripples," say Strunsky. 
"But they are still sufficiently brisk to run circles 
around such a Japanese 9 what you mention." 

"Are running in circles a necessary skill to do 
in basebaUing V' is next question for me, but Hon. 
Strunsky no can answer because a U. S. soldier 
arrive filled with drunk & tell how he got a superior 
brain to most other Irish. 

So I go tell this Yoni man about them Old 
Soldiers Home what Hon. Strunsky say might be 
sufficiently atheltick. Yoni he go get talefone 
book and search up residence of such a Elderly 
home & he find one in Oakland. So sorry I no 
could go, but I must assist geraniums of Mrs. 
Lusy Macdonald, queenly lady of 286 pound 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 163 

beauty. But Yoni with entirely yellow baseball 
9 composed of 15 Japanese, depart off by noontime 
ferryboat. Following was on it: 

Hon. Pitch — S. Wanda, Japanese socialist. 

Hon. Catch — A. Kickahajama, missionary boy. 

Hon. Stopper — Bunkio Saguchi. 

Hon. 1st Basso — W. Euro, whose brother is 
still dead. 

Hon. 2d Basso — Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese 
boot-cobble. 

Hon. 3d Basso — Cousin Nogi. 

Hon. 1st Knocker — Sydney Katsu, Jr., who 
suppose he can. 

Hon. 2d Knocker — Y. Yakamoto, familiar haircut. 

Hon. 3d Knocker — Frank the Japanned boot- 
polish. 

6 Hon. Herders — F. Sago, R.Sanjuji, J.C. Shima, 
B. Ohara, B. Shimasuki, and a Japanese who 
call himself Charley Smith to get a job in bank. 

Uncle Nichi, who do not understand sufficient 
baseballing to do so, were permitted to go long 
& keep score, also do what fanning was necessary. 

By evening-time Cousin Nogi come back look- 
ing tired but entirely experienced. 

*' Who beat it in this game V were first question 
for me. 



i64 LETTERS OF A 

"When you knows you will understand," 
dignify Nogi. "Following were the Score: 

" Japanese Schoolboys 48 

Old Soldiers Home I03'* 

"It must be very fine game to have such a large 
score," I snaggle. 

"We merely play 5 Inns," say Nogi. "Them 
Elderly Vets was just beginning to get active 
when twilight arrived. If game was continued to 
finish them Hon. Score would of got several thou- 
sands extra." 

"Tell me entire story of the game," I collapse 
patiently. 

"It was in second Inn," debat Nogi for Jack 
London expression. "Score were then 12 to 
minus in flavour of the Japanese. Hon. Pitch 
for Old Soldiers were Capt. Hirum Jones, oldly 
hero who lost right arm in battle of Shylock." 

"How can a hero be a baseball Pitch when he 
lost his arm .?" are my earnest enquire. 

"His left arm were still entirely there," dib 
Nogi. "With this he make some very gentle 
throws. I am next to go batt. I stand uply with 
brave expression & when Hon. Ball come soring 
to me I make fierce knock. Ball go to heaven 
with loud report. (Maddy banzai from Uncle 
Nichi who was there to fan it.) I make 4 entire 
home-runnings before them Hon. Vets could find 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 165 

Ball which was roosting in a tree. Then I am 
put entirely out & Hon. Vets enjoy a Inn." 

Nogi make trajick pufF with cigar. 

*'Hon. Jeremiah Willkins, a sweet soldier who 
lost 2 legs in Battle of Bully Run, next go batt. 
He were a very nice knocker, so when he hit ball 
for high sore he attempt to approach 2d Bass, but 
are deliciously slow, thank you, because of footlus 
condition. W. Euro grabb ball quickly & Hon. 
Umperor yall 'Out, please!' When Uncle Nichi 
hear this he cry for sorrow, 'O! not to do! what 
brutal Umperor to put oldy man outside because 
he lost 2 legs!' Intense sensations for all Japan- 
ese present. S. Wanda, Japanese socialist, 
approach Hon. Willkins with polite hat, 'Hon. 
Sir,' he say-so, 'permit me for hellup you make 
home-run.' So Wanda, assisted by Bunkio Sagu- 
chi & Sydney Katsu, Jr., give helluping aid to 
Hon. Willkins for 5 home-runs, when he say he 
are tired so he set down. 

"After that," say Nogi, "it were a very pleasant 
outing for them Hon. Vets. Eech Old Soldier 
what go batt are some kind of a delicious cripple 
& other hon. wounds, so we must also aid him to 
enjoy several home-runs." 

" How long this loving attention go on ? " I ask 
to know. 

"Bye-bye darkness fall & dinner-bell from 



i66 LETTERS OF A 

Elderly Hero Establishment announce quit-time 
for all. So handclasp were enjoyed with 3-cheer 
ceremony & we go ferry-boat." 

" 103 runs were a hard afternoon for such oldy 
mans," I snuggest. 

''It were a splandid lesson in politeness for all 
National Leagues/' corrugate Nogi. 

''It were a splandid lesson in bookkeeping for 
Uncle Nichi who kept score/' was answer for 
Japanese Schoolboy. 

Please print following rhythm for practice: 

FANATICAL POEM ABOUT ICHI-BAN, AN 
ANTIQUE ROOT 

Ichi-ban 

Of Old Japan 

He were a famous Baseball Fan — 

Pin-Pin 

Come in! 

He ust to skreech, 

He ust to preech 

And set for hours upon the Bleech 

With bowels 

& growels 

And when the Home Team missed a play them swaring-words 

he ust to say was very noted in his day from Fujiyama to 

Cathay. 
He knowed the score 
And something more 
Of every Team what Pennants bore 
In days that was entirely yore. 
He knowed the batting-records, too, 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 167 

Of Hokasai & Tingapu — 

O-San, O-San! 

A wildly fan 

Was Ichi-ban of Old Japan. 

Now Ichi-ban 

Them famous man 

He stay at Baseball Grounds so long 

His Wife she feel there something wrong 

Because her husband been away 

For 60-night & 60-day. 

She very cross. And so, of course, 

She go and buy i nice divorce 

And when it was entirely got 

She sell the family house & lott 

And runny way from Ichi-ban 

With Kokomo, a railroad man. 

So all the neighbors they suppose, 

'*When Ichi-ban come home & knows 

What trajick have occur to him 

He tare his Wife from lim to lim." 

So K. Batsu, 

A neighbor true, 

To Baseball Ground he straightly go 

For tell poor Ichi-ban what-so; 

But Ichi-ban, who still was there, he gaz ahead with fixy stare, 

sometime a snort, sometime a sware, but otherwise what 

do he care ? 
*'Your wife," say Batsu, "run away." 
But Ichi-ban just snufF & say, 
**The Pitcher very punk to-day." 
Say Batsu, **Worser news I got — 
Your Wife have stole your house & lott — 
It are a very wrong disgrace." 
Say Ichi-ban with fixy face. 



i68 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

"That nothing! — man just stole 3d Base." 
So Batsu, when them words he hear, 
Enjoy some sympathy & fear, 

"I sorry, friend, what grief have came *' 

**Cut out!" say Ich, "you spoil the garne." 
So Batsu for them heartless speech 
Leave Ichi-ban upon the Bleech 
To snorty sporty howly screech, 
To hooty tooty rooty squawk 
In latest style of Baseball Talk. 

So Ichi-ban, all world forgot. 

Stay 7-year in that same spot. 

He lose his friends, improve his voice 

And live on Peanuts & rejoice 

Til one day when the Home Team beat 

He got some spasms in his feet 

Which gave such banzais to his tongue 

He die by shouting up a lung. 

So on his Tomb to-day for see 

Some Tourists finds this Repartee: 

"Ichi-ban 

Of Old Japan 

Were just a average Baseball Fan 

Pin-pin 

Come-in!" 

Hoping you will, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIX 

IS A VICE-PRES NEARLY A KING ? 

San Francisco, July 12th. 
Editor New York Newspaper which are respon- 
sible for everything. 

Dear Sir — Noted Greek patriot, Erysipelas, 
were once offered job of Street Cleaning Depart- 
ment in Athens, Greece, which was then in a very 
insane state of dirt. Intimides, Mayor of Athens, 
offer him this job for a insult, because it was. 
How useless however! 

''Ah!" commute them Erysipelas, "I will took 
such a publick jobs & show what a elegant muck- 
sweep I can do/' 

So he done it by history. 

Mr. Editor, some patriot of America should be- 
come like Hon. Erysipelas & be a Vice-President 
without doing a sulk. To be a Vice-President 
are like such a Street Cleansing job, only it are 
more hummbel. He are like a street-sweeper 
without a broom. He are not permitted to carry 
turkey-dusters or other dangerous fire- arms. He 
are placed in a very high seat & commanded to set 
there 4 years enjoying silences. Raking, brooming 

169 



170 LETTERS OF A 

& dusting are a forbid. If he are caught trying 
to wipe cobwebs off of Senate with silk handker- 
chief he are given a upbraid. He enjoy very hope- 
less position — and yet he might do something 
for somebody some days. If he start young being 
a Vice-President might he not work up to good 
position by this ^ Might he not, by eventual time, 
get a job being 3d secretary to German Embassy 
or clerk in Subtreasury Dept ? 

I ask for anxiety. 

I have just-but & recently become sad about 
Vice-Presidents. Formerly I imagined it were 
pretty nice kind of grandeur. Some weeks past- 
time I hear wildly news & go with run-step to 
saloon of Hon. Strunsky who thinks politically 
because he are Irish. 

"Hon. Jim Sherman got it!" I collapse for 
excitement. 

"Who in politicks are Jim Sherman.?" require 
Hon. Strunsky. 

"He are man what was nominate," I snagger. 

"Nominate for what.?" crossly examine him. 

"For Vice-President," I rapture. 

"O!" say Hon. Strunsky and continue to wipe 
beer from glass. 

I enjoy falling of face. 

"Are not Vice-Presidency almost a kingly job ?" 
I ask to know. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 171 

"Almost," degrade Strunsky with towel. 

"What you mean by 'almost' ?'' I research. 

"By ^almost' I mean 'nearly/'' irritate that 
Irish patriot. "When a thing are 'almost good' 
it are 'nearly bad/ " he dib. "When I chase a 
ferryboat and almost catch it, that do not help me 
much about arriving to Oakland in time for 
German banquit. A Vice-Pres are a statesman 
what have nearly caught the Ship of State." 

"Situation of Vice-President were offered to 
many Favourite Sons," I regret. 

"It were refused by many Favourite Sons," 
say Strunsky, " but it were accepted by a Political 
Orphan." 

So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of con- 
siderable depress near shoulder-blade. I have 
^ slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans 
studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to 
become President some day! It are awfully well 
to make walk-up by stairway of Fame — but 
supposing for imagination that foot slipped I Ah 
then! Japanese Boy might get downdy tumble 
to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime. 

Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are 
taking lessons in American cigar smoking from 
Cousin Nogi. My dear ^ ancestor are permitted 
to discuss about Hon. William Jenny Bryan 
because of reverence for ancient history. 



172 LETTERS OF A 

"Hon. Thos. Lawson of Mass. have offer 
;J5 1, 000,000 to Hon. Bryan to take it and be a Vice- 
President," say-he for news. 

''That price would be considerable circulation 
for The Commutor^ Hon. Bryan's newspaper," 
I collide. "But could Hon. Bryan do so much 
for so little .r^" 

" Honour of such office are beyond goldy riches," 
dib Uncle who is a farmer. 

"Honour of such office are beyond caring for," 
I notify for editorial sneers. 

"Was not Hon. Roosevelt once a Vice- 
President.?" corrode that relationship of mine. 

"Many poor boys has became famous," I 
supine. "Hon. Lincoln once splitted rails, Hon. 
Gen. Grant once deliver kindling. Sometimes a 
Vice-President, by willing-work industry can lift 
self from mean & sordy surroundings which he 
is in to position of self-respect & desensy." 

"What are duties of Vice-Pres, if he got any.?" 
project that oldy man. 

"Following duties," I say, "must be did by 
him to make everythmg pleasant, etc.: 

1 — He must be polite to superiors which is almost 

everybody around Washington. He will get 
great dissatisfaction if he ain't. 

2 — He must have neat appearance, including 

brushed clothes & hair. He must not come 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 173 

down to work without a collar on his neck. 
Hon. Speaker of House can be very second- 
handed in appearance & can eat chew- 
tobacco before all; but Hon. Pres of Senate 
should be at least respectable. 

3 — He must go to work sharply by 8 o'clock 

each weekly day. Sunday evenings he can 
entertain quiet callers in his room. 

4 — He must address Cabinet Members by their 

full title, if they got it. 

5 — He must not be seen talking with friends in 

hallways or lobbies. 

6 — He must not swear or wear profane neckties. 

7 — He must be white-coloured American citizen 

entirely over 21 years age & must be able to 
write his name in plain business hand. 

'^Them is duties what a gentleman must do to 
be a nice Vice-Pres of these U. S./' I announce it. 

"Can not anybody do them jobs without 
enjoying a strain ?'' ask Uncle Nichi who is 
a bore. 

"Anybody can do them for a short time," 
I dib. " But man what can do them for 4 
years without some serious side-steps must be 
a great hero to some extent.'* 

"Such a mans is considerably limited by law/' 
abstract-he. 

" Either by law or by nature," I notate for yawns. 



174 LETTERS OF A 

(It shall be my duty to make some weep with 
eye when Uncle Nichi depart away for dear 
Japan; and yet I shall live beyond such sorrow.) 

Mr. Editor, I have a sad mania about that 
Vice-President. All American school-books say: 
''Office of President are highest gift within power 
of people — office of Vice-President are next door 
to it." Office-rent should be very high & stylish 
in such good neighbourhood. 

What, then, is the matter with this office that 
so many respectable & wealthy statesmen refuses 
to move in ? Are gas-pipes in bad condition ? 
Do plumbing need attention to ? Are Hon. 
janitor careless about hot & cold water? Or 
what ? 

When Hon. Real Estate man have a office what 
nobody will took he decorate it up with wall- 
paper, etc., to look rich. Pretty soonly somebody 
will be careless & take it. Are not U. S. Govern- 
ment splandid enough business man to repair 
Vice-President office so that it will not look so 
dubyus .? I require no answer. 

I am injured in nerve to see so many grand 
Americans regarding that To Let sign with eye- 
wink. Yet what-say following Statesmen about it ^, 

Hon. Cannon say: "I shall be old with dignity.'' 

Hon. Fairbanks say : '' I have tried it, thank you.'' 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 175 

Hon, Hughes say: ^^It are a hall- room." 

Hon. Haze Hammond say: ^'Too much salary 
for repairs/' 

Hon. Nox say: ^^I can hide elsewheres." 

I am confused by such proud answers. To 
Sydney Katsu, Jr., I inquire: ^'I can not under- 
stand why persons refuses gifts what is offered 
to take free.'' 

"Sometimes it is done/' he reject coy. 

"'Presidency of U. S. are greatest gift of Ameri- 
can people. Therefore it are like a barrel filled 
with diamonds. If I could not got such a jewlery 
should I not be gleeful to accept a barrel filled 
with gold .r"' is question for me. 

"You might," negotiate Sydney, "but you 
might have shyness about accepting such a barrel 
if it was filled with gold-bricks." 

Sydney are a very bright Japanese soon to go 
Harvard CoUedge for learn more of it. 

Here is a slight lullaby to be chanted to children 
when they are pained by tooth-cut and therefore 
anxious about their politickal futures: 

ROCK A WAT CRADLE SONG 

Hush, Mr. Infant child, 

Cease it! 

Do not irritate your Parent with croiip-signals and fret. 

Or else do it silently. 

Remain harmless a while 



176 LETTERS OF A 

And I will make bright promuses 
Of future, 

Which you must believe 
Because you are less intelligent. 

When you are a mans 

You must not strive 

To be President, 

Because you can't. 

You are not sufficiently beautiful. 

You are less gifted; 

How could child of such weak brain like you 

Get familiar with White House furniture 

And move Cabinets around ? 

You have not got no Policies, 

You could not even scold a Colledge President! 

Useless to hope!! 

But refrain them tear-drop 

Because I got very nice job for you. 

Hush, Mr. Infant child. 

Repress a croup — 

I will make you a gilt promus 

For future dates. 

Some bye-bye time 

If you are always notable for quiet, 

Never snap-out. 

Never burst windows, 

Never run away to study sea-sailing. 

Never make bronco-noise 

And Wild West, 

Never do nothing to nobody 

At no time — 

Ah!!! 

Your loving Parent have got a nice politickal reward for you I 

Maybe-so 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 177 

At Chicago Convention 

Of 1940 

When shouting are finished, 

Excitement are discontinued, 

Taft-flags has been all bursted by waving. 

Everybody are fatigued out 

And Hon. Delegates are counting return tickets while sleeping - 

Then Hon. Fame, or Hon. Albany Gang, 

Or Somebody, 

Will point you out in dark corner 

And declaim for earnestness, 

"Accept this tag — 

You are It!" 

Then soonly on slate will be wrote: 

For Vice-President 
Hon. Hushahye Baby 

Applause from many ushers. 
Yawns from all; 
You will get picture in papers 
And American Publick will decry: 
"He got a face like a Trust." 



So dream yet. 

Childish infant, 

And we will see what we can do 

About your future employment. 






Mr. Editor, I notice something pathetick by all 
newspaper-prints. I notice how all say: ^^Hon. 
Roosevelt when he refuse to be a President 3 times 
made a act of noble renunciation." But what 
they say about Hon. Fairbanks when he refuse 



178 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

to be a Vice-President 2 times ? They say noth- 
ing! And yet were it not also a ''noble act of 
renunciation" for that lofty statesman to refuse 
another run because he were afraid of becom- 
ing too powerful? Of sure it was! Hon. Fair- 
banks are a very Roman character by principals 
& by residence in Indiana. If Hon. Roosevelt 
can be noble, then Hon. Fairbanks can be noble 
also — and yet newspaper children do not make 
holler about it in streets. Hon. Fairbanks must 
feel pretty fine inside chest to think how he done 
a great deed & was a marter without nobody dis- 
covering or even suspecting it. 

Hon. Washington say-so that a perpetual Presi- 
dent would be a King. What would a perpetual 
Vice-President be then ^ Please answer by 2c 
stamp which I have forgotten to put in. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XX 

MY CONCEPTION OF THE PRESIDENCY 

San Francisco, July 25th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper which are eeger to 
make a fare judge for thoughts of all Great 
ManSy however sneeking &' hummhel they 
may he: 

Dear Sir — At same moment while I are 
inking these thoughts for fond reminder, two 
somewhat immortal Americans is Hstening for 
formal announcement that they are expected to be 
Presidents. They have got a slight suspicion that 
maybe they was mentioned for some job, but it 
would be very bad tasty for them to look otherwise 
than surprise when Hon. Committee with flours 
make step-up and say-out, ''You are a Nominate !'' 

Hon. Taft are at Warm Springs training for 
strength so that he will not die a shocky death 
when he learn this suddenly. At humbel village of 
Lincoln, Neb., where Hon. Bryan live like a Grand 
Duke of simple taste, that eminent representator of 
Common Persons set by bay-window enjoying 
nervous collapse. 

*'Set quiet, Hon. Wm., and look courageous like 

179 



i8o LETTERS OF A 

a photo,'^ say Hon. Wife to he. " Tumult & shout- 
ing die and who knows what ?" " I are strangely 
disturb/' say Wm., arranging his face to look like 
a famous Roman janitor. "Something tell me 
that maybe I are nominate to highest office in gift of 
Tammany Hall. Pretty soonly Hon. Committee 
must come riding up-hill to say it, and I hope 
they will be darnly quick about it. At first I 
must be astonished speechless — but I can seldom 
remain long in such a conditions. ^ I must hesitate 
& comprise myself with slightly cracked voice for 
emotion, then I must read typewritten address 
of 280,000 words of a entirely impromptu nature. 
O surely Politicks is filled with surprises!'' 

Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft 
& Hon. Bryan wrote a delicious page of large tipe 
for your paper on subjeck, "My Conception 
of the Presidency." Of surely them two Presi- 
dents know what-is they are talking about. 
Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, 
and speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of 
Edison Phonograf. And yet there was something 
deceptive & sidewise about them articles they 
wrote for your paper because they sounded so. 
Hon. Taft say: 

A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. 
He should be like a piano of upright build with some grand 
square qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY i8i 

the Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good 
as he are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly 
manner and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt 
National Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, 
orders promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. 
Also I shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health 
& strength will permit me to do it. 

Hon. Bryan say: 

A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only 
more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for 
fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because 
I can't. A President are only a bluff. He don't amount to a 
rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt, are a system of checks & 
balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he 
wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could 
I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by 
feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I 
do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are 
tempting him away with rakish eye-wink ? To increase weak- 
ness of my position I am willing to consult Hon. Vice-President 
on all matters of no importance and talk kindly to him on 
National subjecks where common-sense are not expected. I 
believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but I are cross 
about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be insulted if 
offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to act like a 
Majority on all occasions and what I think about Brownsvill 
Affair are a matter of private conscience which I refuse to 
discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager. 

Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. 
How sinful to ask them there Hon. Candidates 
to write such opinions! When a man expect to 
be a President do you expect him to tell the 



i82 LETTERS OF A 

candied truth about what he think of the job ? 
When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he 
are often sly and deceptive before election — how 
then you expect a Nominee for Pres. of the U. S. 
to make crystal speeches which might be saw 
through at once and spoil everything ? Nobody 
what are wistful about a job will tell exact truth 
about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. 
Window Wash at Mills Bldg & Janitor Boss say: 
''Hashimura, told me transparently what you 
think of this job" — what I answer for reply.? 
I-say: "It are a very delicate job of extreme 
fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japan- 
nese Boy to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. 
Though it require great skill & couredge to shine 
such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that 
I got such a power more briskly than other Japa- 
nese Boys which is apt to be laxy in sense of duty 
where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I 
feel myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know 
I ain't. Therefore give it to me because of merit " 
I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am 
a candidate for them high post of Window Wash. 
Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. 
Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such 
a jobs because of his lazy spine, what-say Cousin 
Nogi? He-say: "A Window Wash require some 
muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 183 

Togo are not safe to stand on such a altitudes 
because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets it 
he will swim off of loth story window & burst 
his fooly neck." 

Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan arfe too sympathetick 
with such jobs to talk straight. Why not ask 
some gentlemans what never expects to be White 
Housers to give view on Presidency .? Hon. Hearst 
on '^My Conception of the Presidency" would be 
very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it 
for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, 
or Hon. John Wanamaker would talk deliciously 
true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, 
please, because he would write it "My Conception 
of the President" & decuss other nigger problems 
which are no longer a delicacy. 

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for 
get my cheek whittled, say-me: "Who could 
express such a conception about being a Pres., and 
not lie about it V' 

"I could," is answer for me. "I am best 
befatted for such a talk because I are 
entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a 
white vote like Hon. Booker Washington and 
other darks." 

"Why you no write such a conception foj 
newspaper .f^" is snuggestion from him. 



1 84 LETTERS OF A 

"I are not yet requested," is erupt from me. 

"You are a modish violet," is vocal from Hon. 
Suds. "Therefore say it secretly." 

"If I was President," I rake out, "I should be 
divided into 2 parts. The ^ part of me should 
be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ^ 
portion should safely set upon the Constitution 
and keep it pressed." 

"Would such a double lives be decent .?" commit 
Hon. Anazuma. 

"In such high positions, yes," I dabble. "A 
ideel Pres. of these U. S. should be a cross be- 
tween Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. 
With one hand he should affectionately protect 
the interests of the People while with the other 
he should be nice to the people of the Interests. 
If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once 
he must go there. When requested he must at- 
tend a Idaho Miners' Noyesy Barbecue full of 
malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must 
not neglect a invitation to Insurance Scandalous 
Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton 
and talk like a Injunction." 

"So shocky!" say I. Anazuma with razor. "It 
are shamefully difficult to shave such a two-faced 
Japanese." 

" In antique times of pagan Rome," I dib, "there 
was a deliciously heathen god named January who 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 185 

was able to look in 2 directions with a double 
face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge 
Landis, on the other a expression like Hon. Judge 
Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth 
go to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol 
they was filled with shivvers because of their sin- 
ful rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Gross- 
cup side and was forgiven. But when malefactors 
of great poverty get in front of them Grosscup face 
to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost 
went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around 
to Judge Landis face and was comforted to know 
that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier 
than taking silverware from a Soldiers' Home." 

"I am delicious to know," say Hon. Anazuma 
who are studying to be a Y. M. C. A., ^'that them 
heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of 
early Christian parents." 

"He were jfinally bursted," I rebuke, "but he 
last for several looo's of year & were a nicely 
successful god. He were popular like a circus 
for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to 
learn-how. What-say Mr. Vergil, famous Roman 
poeter, about them god January .r* He-say, ^Get 
there, January!' which have been a politickal 
motto every since." 

"Have that disgusting January got any temples 
in America ?" require Hon. Anazuma, 



i86 LETTERS OF A 

*'In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan 
pictures of Hon. Mat Quay and other local gods," 
I dib deceptively. "I shall not be wonderful if 
portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly 
everything else in that famous art saloon." 

"When you are President how you stand on 
publick ownership of R. Rs .?"* require Hon. Barb. 
''About publick ownership I are safely insane," 
I report. ''Publick should be allowed to own 
R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon. 
Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle 
him to I share R.R. stock if he present it at office 
of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years from date." 
"Would American people get such a ownership 
then .?" ask he. 

"What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick 
ownership?" I reject. " He-say, ' Publick owner- 
ship of R. Rs must take place in eventual time.' 
Them 2,000,000 years from date will be a 'even- 
tual time,' won't it not V 

"In 2,000,000 year what would American pub- 
lick own .^" are question for Anazuma. 

"At least they would own them blue transfer 
slips," I renig with deceptive expression of a 
Campaign Contribution. 

Late Sunday p. m. Arthur Kickahajama give 
to me for Campaign Contribution a live dog which 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 187 

is a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal 
with a emotional tail and cultivated by flees. 
Arthur rescue them Dog while being kicked from 
a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk. 

*^It are a vulgar variety/' I snip for objection 
because I are nervous about expensive food for 
such a dum friend. 

''It may grow up to be refined/' say Arthur 
carelessly. 

''What breed of Dog are it ?'* is next fuss from 
me. 

"Not certainly sure/' say Arthur. "Hon. 
Strunsky who are a sport say 'It are a he-dog/ 
so I suppose it are such a breed.'' 

I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He 
throw me a very doggy gaze & thump banzai on 
floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart 
become soft-boiled with love. I can't not turn a 
dog away in such a hot weather when he are apt 
to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him 
by chains and enjoy worry about his breed which 
are full of spots with a bursted ear. 

S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should 
be named " Tariff^" because he need revising imme- 
diately. Cousin Nogi announce, "He should 
be named 'Injunction' because he were kicked off 
a platform." 

"I shall not call such names to a mere dog," 



i88 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

I gratify. ''Therefore I shall chrisen him 
'O-Fido' what was name of a famous Japanese 
grocer what Hve happy for i,ooo year and died 
from being too joyful." 

So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where 
he practise barks at Hon. Rats all night till 
Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not 
do so & report tearful complaints to Hon. Land- 
lord who is a malefactor & say: ''You are a 
nusance besides 3-week remit with rent." Moral 
of this is: Be kind to them dum beasts & you 
will get paid off. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Who will be the First Baby in the Land 
now that Quentin Roosevelt have refused a 
Third Term ? Little Charlie Taft are studying 
childish pranks so he can hold them position 
of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam Shovelers' 
Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a 
union card. Hon. Steam Rollers' Union should 
be ashamed of their slowness! 

H. T. 



XXI 

HOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT 

San Francisco, July 28th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who might 
know list of peculiarities. 

Dear Mr. Sir — Please to ask some of your 
customers who read that dear paper to tell 
one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who 
is again in condition of not working. Please ask 
them how best for cheap money I can advertise 
myself as needing situation of employment at 
wash-dishes, table-wait, being valet or teaching 
American language to Japanese or German 
foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal 
into San Francisco newspaper-press: 

\ 7[ 7ANTED — Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about some- 
thing to do, and can speeck Japanese or American while 
doing so. Can make beds politely, cherish house-plants and 
assist cow or horse of good family. I perform most difficult 
duties when confined to kitchen and can persuade Pianola to 
go when excited. Answer it immediately. Maybe that will 
be too late — Response, Togo, this news. 

That correspondence cost me price of ^1.85 
obtained by borrowing. I am depressed about 
results and confused to think. This mornmg 



IQO LETTERS OF A 

I see that advertise in newspaper-press where I 
put it. But sakes of Hfe! how difficult to see it! 
I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper 
and find such disgusting number of persons was 
pleading for jobs and was crowding all over that 
page saying so about it. Very few of these offered 
to do such talented things like I did. And yet I 
was No. 114 in that list of workers! It is very 
difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about 
himself in such small print. 

Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. 
Advertising is one beautiful national custom 
which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming 
complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to 
print statements of then* virtues and hand it 
around. In Japan when spring of love-time come 
along persons deliver little lily-pad plants to 
doorstep and remind friends of their aliveness. 
In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime 
deliver advertisement-circular for same reason. 
Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to doorstep of dear 
friend following card: 

DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE ? 

Dr. Smith Pulls Teeths from Experience 

GET THE HABIT!!! 

Each gentleman indulging in art or business 
do likesome to any extent. Gentlemen wishing 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 191 

to succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or 
eye-wash medicine must put-in some kind of 
holler about it. 

Landscapes is good for these decorations. 

In travelling through American scenery by 
rail-car I can not interest my brain-thoughts in 
birds & flowers because of large conversation 
which persons has painted all over nature. By 
sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to 
say, ''Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.'' By 
grandeur of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, 
^^Circulation of Daily Bazoo Is Making Climb 
Up." By lovely oat-patch is signature, '^Mor- 
mon Oats — They Chew Themselves.'' Meadow 
of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs, aggre- 
vated bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which 
eminent American sculptors has cut out with 
saws. Nature is somewhere behind these, but 
what is she doing ^, Maybe she is trying to grow. 

Frequent professors say-so about American 
Indians talking with sign-language. Is that it 
what I seen .^^ 

Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of con- 
siderable deceptiveness, say to me of recent date: 

^^Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen 
to American battle-fleet .^" 

*'Tell me to know," I renig with exceitement, 
because I am Japanese Spy. 



192 LETTERS OF A 

''So much is them war-boats painted of white 
colour they will be used for advertisements when 
approaching to China," deliver this Katsu. 

"Oh not to be possible!" I collapse, "what 
advertisement will be decorated upon this patriotic 
navy r 

"Following words will there be painted upon 
each white-side boat," commute Katsu and show 
this card: 

THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITH 

SNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINT 
Try It on Your Bath-tub!!! 

Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, 
Mr. Editor ? I am disgusted to suspect that 
fly-oflp brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has 
reached him to tell lying talk, American custom. 

It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, 
actoresses, politicians, burglary and other authors 
to put-in advertisements about theirselves. So 
it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. 
How so ^ By becoming so active that newspaper- 
print is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe 
actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She 
report as follows, "Oh my!" 

"What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam.?" 
require reporter gentleman who is there. 

"I have losed it my jewel-clasp," she defy. 

"Thank you for knowledge," personify this 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 193 

Hon. Reporter, "While you are speeching about, 
tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of 
other family disconnections/^ 

So loud report of one column duration appear 
by next news-print. Maybe lady noveletter name 
of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from king- 
dom of London with book by title '^ Three Months. '^ 
She enjoy great quiet, thank you, for that length of 
time. At finally "Mothers of RebelHon,'' sweet- 
hearted collection of ladies, decry, "Come and 
speech before us at dine-table, please.'' 

"So pleasant to do,'' digest this Hon. Mrs. 
McGlinny. " I will speech of what happened in 
them 3 months.'' 

"Oh, not to do!" abrupt them mothers. "We 
do not permit such talk before husbands, please." 

"O considerably well!" dement Mrs. McGlinny, 
striking piano with angry rage. Immediately 
she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some 
talk is made with reporter and by following morn- 
ing the below headlines is to appear: 

SUCH HORRID BOOK! 

Is "Three Months" Thus? 

IT is; and we will give prizes to person 

WHO reads it least 

By next morning one thousand million copy 
of this book is entirely exhausted and publisher 
is despondent because so fatigued. 



194 LETTERS OF A 

From Boston I discover this communication 
which cover J page of ail-American newspaper: 

"American citizens are you all-time 
FOOLISH? Hon. Abe Lincoln say you are 

CONSIDERABLY SO. I AGREE TO THIS, THANK 

you! Then why you no buy stocks when I 

TOLD you IT WAS ? I ENQUIRE DiD I NOT TOLD 
YOU HOW STOCK MARKET WOULD DO SOMETHING 
SOON? It DONE SOMETHING. DiD I NOT TOLD 
YOU AMALGAMATION OF COPPER WOULD GO TO 
SOMEWHERE ? It FOLLOW THAT PROGRAM. ThEN 

bought as much as convenient please, or 
else sell or do something!!! 

"Take advice for it. You are in finger- 
nails OF SHARKS. System, that hard-eye sys- 
tem, WILL SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE TILL BLOOD-DROP 

refuses to enjoy pain. therefore, do it 
now! 

"i will speech one last word before say- 
ING MORE. On AFTERNOON OF FeB. 22 KEEP 
EYE-WATCH ON TICK-TOCK OF STOCK. If 

NOTHING HAPPEN THEN IT WILL BE POSTPONED. 

"I OFTEN TELL YOU TO THINK. ThAT WILL BE 
GOOD PRACTICE. PeRSONS ENJOYING WEALTH IS 
RECOMMENDED TO INVEST IT. PeRSONS HAVING 

none is advised to keep it. 

"Thomas W. Lawson.'' 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 195 

This letter of correspondence is wrote by 
memory. Perhaps it is wrong in places. I am 
often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. 
Is he running for President or merely for fun ? 
I ask to know. 

So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed 
because of steam of them advertising. American 
gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of brain. 
He say '' No use of doing nothing for nobody if 
nobody knows." So type-setting, bill-stucking, 
paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted to 
blush behind something in these U.S. They usually 
does this blushing performance behind sign-board 
saying "50c per bunch.'' If Hon. Lawson, Hon. 
Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employ- 
ment without some advertisement, how can Japan- 
ese Boy do so .? This question make me put in 
that item of ideas to wanting-column of news. 

Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient 
to hope. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S.P. — Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast 
decry with voice, ''Japanese is taking all variety 
of jobs from persons of white extraction." Maybe 
so. But I have not been very fortunate in this 
branch of Yellow Peril, thank you. H. T. 



XXII 

OLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT 

San Francisco, August 2d. 
Editor 'New York Newspaper who are printed 
in several colours &' deliver to doorstoop of 
Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright jokes 
bf other serious thoucrht. 

o 

Mr. Sir — For objeck of putting cement on 
affectionate relations between them loving rela- 
tives, America & Gt. Britten, there have been an 
entirely v^orldly feet-race and amateur circus shot 
off in England & called Olympus Games. Every 
branches of trapeez, handspring & strength 
exercises was indulged in for friendly rivalry. 
As result of them friendly rivalry Hon. Jim 
Bryce are enjoying some international strains 
in Washington, Hon. Whitelaw Reid are 
sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck 
and Congress have ordered Hon. Hobson 
to build several Dreadnothings and be quick 
about it. 

Never yet have I heard two respecktable 

temperance kingdoms using such National League 

language upon each other without following some 

196 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 197 

hostile demonstrations by land & sea. O surely 
war must follow! Did not Mr. Monroe in his 
famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American 
subjecks from bunko & outrage on foren shore ? 
Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous document 
signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish 
subjecks not of Irish birth I Then why should 
not America & England enjoy some more family 
splits ? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton 
bring regatta of war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize 
Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of war while 
America fleet are away shaking hands with 
Australia ? 

I require no answer. 

Them Olympus Games are a great event for 
all Nationalities with excepting of Japanese 
who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. 
Such games is a considerable antique, for 
they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a 
previous b. c. time. On them occasion a 
Grecian boy run 27 mile to get away from 
Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by 
Honduras, mayor of Athens. 

This year it were decide to hold them Olympus 
games at England, because English athletes can 
win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish 
sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all 
rules is broken in a quiet & orderly manner. 



198 LETTERS OF A 

Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish 
Athletick Committee set together for regulation of 
events. Following were decide on by dignified 
majority: 

1 — English spirit of fair play must be visible 

everywheres. Hon. Judge must be just to 
all nations so long as England are ahead. 

2 — When England are losing Hon. Judge can 

prevent this by ruling Americans out of race 
for ungentlemanly conduct. 

3 — When American athlete are doing some up- 

jump exercises British publick are warned 
not to assist him by courteous remarks. 
When compelled to speak they will be per- 
mitted to say ''Boo!'' ''Obtain a horse!" 
or other wits of local flavour. 

4 — Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice 

several disputes is bound to occur. So long 
as such fights is Parlamentry & corteous, 
we do not objeck to it. Therefore we 
snuggest following form of debate for all 
disputes: 

Hon, American Committee — Why you dishqualify 
American run-man from 400-meater race .? 

Hon, Brittish Committee — Because he are a fraud 
of considerable professional trix. Also we 
suspect he murder his mother in Omaha. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 199 

Hon, Am. Com, — When you begin to suspect 

all them horble crime against that young 
man ? 
Hon, Brit, Com, — When he got 50 yard ahead of 

Brittish runner in race. 
Hon, Am, Com, — Will you permit-it for Hon. 

America run-man to race it again & show how 

swiftly he can } 
Hon, Brit. Com. — Answer is, No!! Because he 

could run several footsteps better than Hon. 

Brittish run-man who would be beat. It are 

slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be 

slaves. 
Hon, Am. Com, — If our runs is the swiftest should 

they not have the most medals pinned all over 

them ^, 
Hon, Brit. Com. — The race are not always for 

the swiftest, Hon. Sir — not while Brittish 

gods are ruling Olympus! 

5 — After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & 
other sports shall be enjoyed & American 
athletes can go home or to any other blazes 
they seen fit. 

While attempting a slumber on couch of room 
Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi come in & make a 
joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus 
about my health. 



200 LETTERS OF A 

"Hon. London Times decuss 400-meater- 
run in an entirely Christian way/' corrode Uncle 
Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. "Them 
great & pompus news-print say: ^ It were a unfor- 
tunate incident — therefore it are closed."' 

"London Times know-how to be nice to 
Americans on all occasions/' explode Nogi. " She 
speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolu- 
tional War & other uncleaned things." 

"America beat English in Revolutional War/^ 
rasp Uncle for discovery. 

"Of sure she did/' obligate Nogi, "but on them 
occasion she was the home team. If such a wars 
had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. 
Geo. Washington would of been dishqualified 
for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off track. 
Facts of history is often shaved by such close 
razors." 

"Sport between such great nations should be 
gentle & just, whitewashed with truth & free of 
grafts/' commute Unc. 

"So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst 
Independence Leg," otter Nogi, "but are they .f^" 

"Them great kingdoms should meet in a 
amature spirit," I gap, bacause can't sleep by 
racket. 

"What you mean by 'amature spirit' .?" require 
Nichi. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 201 

^'When Primrose Athletick Club & Tele- 
graf Hill jWonders meet in vacated lot to 
enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are 
observed/' say Nogi. "Hon. Casey go to bat- 
stick. Some ball-throv7s is indulged for vain 
clubbing. 'Outside, please!' yall Hon. Empire. 
'Liar, please!' jacklate Primrose Athleticks in 
unicorn. Language is throv^n everyv^heres fol- 
lowed by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., v^hich is 
beaten upon skull until intermission by Hon. 
Police." 

"And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed- 
thirsty about innocent & friendly sport?" ask 
Uncle to know. 

"More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, 
divorces & strangles is caused by innocent & 
friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, 
drunk & any other branch of crime excepting 
of Life Insurance. Look on blotter of Hon. 
Crime Court & see what blots appear there for 
following crimes: 

Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter — 
crime, justifiable homocide on innocent & 
friendly Umpire who decide against home 
team. Discharged with honour. 

Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German — crime, 
shoot and chop-up best friend while try to 



202 LETTERS OF A 

teech him innocent & friendly game of pinocle. 
Hanged because poor. 

Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust — 
crime, knocking brains from a clergy with a 
mallet because he cheet in innocent & friendly 
game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law 
& 6 weeks in Mattywan with French chef. 

Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny 
— crime, giving rebates to a golf-caddy. 
Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal discount in 
Court of Peals. 

Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant — 
crime, bridge-play while house was afire & 
husband broiled. Discharged by advice of 
husband who was a first offense. 

Hon. Eli. McYale, alias ''Spud," alias "Loco- 
motive," alias '' Kangaroo," occupation col- 
lege-student — crime, feetball with intent to 
kill. Out on bale till after feetball season 
when he will come back, please, and be 
electrocuted. 

Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupa- 
tion neighbours — crime, mayhem committed 
while watching a innocent & friendly dog- 
fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from 
Hon. Hooley to prove he got the most intelli- 
gent dog. Prisoners discharged by Judge 
who also love dogs. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 203 

When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of 
horble crimes he become seriously Japanese. 

*^0-so!" he-say, "Must there be a war between 
America & England because of a mere feet-race ?" 

"If a mere feet-race can't start a war, nothing 
can. Who can imagine them two great & digni- 
fied peoples making such hell-baloo over seal- 
fisheries or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada 
or small trifle like annexation of Ireland ? Did 
Brittish publick stand around and yall 'Boo!' 
to rattle American diplomat during contest of Hay- 
Pauncefaute treaty ^ Ah no! But when a craven 
foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of hop- 
skip-and-jump what son of Brittania so callus not 
to scream .?" 

"I got a poem," I say for headache. "It 
sound delicious in Japanese — therefore excuse 
following translation: 

INTERNATIONAL CEMENT 

The Lion to the Eagly say, "We two is one same feather; 
We done too much of sware & fite — now let us play together." 

So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try 

out — 
The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion's 

eye out. 

*'Fowl play!'* all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they 

pair off 
And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly's tear-off hair-ofF. 



204 LETTERS OF A 

Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off 

And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly's head off. 

The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks 

appealing, 
"O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling! 

*'It once was *Hands Across the Sea — 'but now we got the 

notion 
That all the instinck that they got is 'Claws Across the Ocean.' 

"There 's nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends 

together — 
There goes the Lion's other eye — there goes a Eagly feather!" 

And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went 

off 
To count their scratches, dress their wounds — and pick that 

darn Cement off. 

Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus 
games was that American athletes was handi- 
capped by English sense of Fair Play which are a 
famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing 
when it get a chance. English Fair Play have 
always been a deliciously important fackter in her 
Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what 
give to America a Stamp Act & Taxation without 
Representations; send Lord Clive on famous 
jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely 
pagan & needed doing; force hon. opium-smoke 
down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep 
better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a 
hatchet because she live in the suburbs. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 205 

What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. 
He-say, "O perfidious Albino!" I am sly about 
repeating such mean curses. 

Strength of Hon, England are this: she can lie 
longer, steal stronger & look more respectable 
than any other ancient Nation now living. 
America is filled with disgusting Grafts, but 
Hon. England have got only a House of Lords 
decorated with coated arms & vested rights. 
London are poplus with Life Insurance Presi- 
dents disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle 
Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit 
of clothing made in Hanover Square he would 
not need to change his politicks before setting 
in the House of Lords. I are very nervous 
about England's soul. 

Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some 
things, say, ^'I are joyfully congratulated not to 
be mixed up in such Olympus affairs." 

" English sense of Fair Play are a joke," I scorch. 

^' Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously 
in England," make-up Nogi. 

Hoping you are the same. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, 
show symptom of being a dash-hound. 



2o6 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

*^Call him Cassius," say Sydney Katsu, Jr. 
"Why-it ?'' is inquiry for me. 

"Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ^In him 
the elements so mixed up that all-world might 
stand around & say, " This was a dog," ' '' H. T. 



XXIII 

OUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH 

San Francisco, August 22d. 
Editor N. Y, Newspaper who must attend to spin- 
around of world while others fish. 

Dear Sir — Year of America are divided into 
2 sessions: Winter & Summer. Winter are 
devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are 
devote to getting rid of them outside. Winter are 
dedicate to serious pursuit of money; Summer are 
devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good 
ways to knov^ and increase Hon. Death Rates. 

Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to 
agree with Hon. Judiciary about Injunctions, etc., 
can afford some French-speaking automobiles of 
60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. 
Man who break Interstate Commerce law a little 
while can break speed-law the rest of his entire 
existence. I know because I watch him. 

Americans go for rest with energy of human 
bullets. Japanese Schoolboy stand by side of 
roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry 
trees. Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It 
are a automobile of French extraction and Irish 

%0'J 



2o8 LETTERS OF A; 

disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman 
who is a owner of some trusts, because he look 
like it. Nearly to him sets Hon. Chaffer clasping 
teeth for nerves. 

''What speedometer is it?^' ask Hon. Truster 
eating some dust. 

''6o-mile hourly we are going it/' say-he with 
wheels. 

"Extreme slowness," derange Hon. Finance. 

More pushes by gasolene. 

'' Of what speedness now ?" examine them Trust 
Magnet. 

"75 mile horse-power,'* say Hon. Chaffer with 
lung. 

"Exaggerate it!'' elapse Hon. Boss for mania. 

Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry 
rage of cogs & do an explosion by fence where 
fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is 
enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among 
clover-field where they flew to. 

I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & 
await to interview him with bandages. 

"Where was you going so hasty .?" is first ques- 
tion for me. 

"Not sure," say-he, "but I was rapidly 
approaching there." 

"What was you looking after so whizzy.'^" 
negotiate me. 




' *I have a developed chest already/ snuggest Hon. Taft" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 209 

"A rest/^ he corrode for dying smiles. 

''You have found it too suddenly/' I commute 
with epitaph expressions. "'Therefore you may 
rest in fractions." 

Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice 
to choose some exercise what you will not be killed 
by. Motor-car axidents, although a very wealthy 
sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japan- 
ese Boy who would prefer to be alive & slightly 
sick much rather than to be dead & in splandid 
muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of 
antiques has did jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been 
entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding's Feetball 
Guide. But them things happened in very former 
times. 

Shortly ago I become nervous about high educa- 
tion of brain. "I must see some scholars doing 
it," I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit 
one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly 
here. When I approach near to campuss I am 
aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices 
saying something together. 

"So lofty!" I dib. "They are resighting pas- 
sages of Grecian poetry in chorus so they all will 
get 100% mark for classick examination!" 
I make excited breath & hurry foots to where it 
happen. 



210 LETTERS OF A 

There beholt! was all young youths of this Red 
Colledge stooding together for wave of danger- 
signal flags & saying following rotation for voice- 
culture: 

"Hurrah! Hurrah! 
Play gHbly 
And do more of!! 
O!!! 
Such a bully for you!*' 

(Repeat this several times for imagination.) 
And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Col- 
ledge with appropriate shade of wave-flag with 
which they make wigwag signals to following 
rotation for voice-culture: 

** Sissy-boom! 
What is wrong with us ? 
By investigation we find 
We are considerably all right — 
Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!" 

On smooth place between grandstands was 
2 teams of red & blue baseballers playing it with 
batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing 
red SOX was considerably idealized by Red Colledge 
because he was a Hon. Pitch and could act decep- 
tively while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When 
Hon. Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. 
Ball what go by without injury, then entirely that 
Red Colledge would scream up, "O Smith, Smith, 
you are so good to do it!!" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 211 

When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide 
on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch would observe 
him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from 
Hon. Red CoUedge what would hoola out loud, 
"Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who deserve 
it!" 

I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was 
also shouting with gilt spectacles. 

"Mr. Sir,'' I commune, "why this Colledge 
make such proud whoop-up for that Smith youth, 
please ^^ 

"Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Col- 
ledge," say Hon. Professor with surprise for 
ignorance. 

"Ah!" I collide. "So thankful to see such a 
leader of thought! By what branches of brain do 
he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs. 
Minerva.?" 

"He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he 
are a pole-jump of 12 feet, for 2 years he play 
short-stop on feetball game and can throw a spit- 
ting baseball in circles around all batty athletes." 

"He must be a very high educated man," I 
combust; "I bet your bootware that Hon. Shakes- 
peare could not do nothing like that." 

" Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood," 
say Prof. "So he never go to colledge to learn 
how." 



212 LETTERS OF A 

''So sorry for that!" I ratify. "Do this Hon. 
Smith have very muscular mind for study of 
Grecian poetry ?" 

''Scarcely if seldom/' mitigate Hon. Prof. 
"Faculty of this Colledge do not believe in making 
bright mind of youth sad by too much read on 
subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries." 

"They should read Hon. Aristophanes," I say- 
so, "for he was considered a very comick Greek 
poet." 

"Maybe-so he v^ere," dib them Prof. "But 
I have been teacher of classick literature for 35 
tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any 
colledge boys tickling themselves to death with 
jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes." 

I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie 
Library of them Colledge to see by quiet look how 
many of them student was improving inside of 
skulls by books. And there what see ? Three 
Japanese students setting in bench for lone- 
some company. One of them was studying "An- 
tique War Map of Battle of Marathon." Other 
was taking light chew from "Co-tangent Theory 
about Circular Orbits," and other one was trying 
to translate works of James Whatcome Riley into 
Japanese. 

I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of 
instep. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 213 

Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are 
called "sport of kings." Therefore if any private 
gentleman wishes to become a king or something 
in America he must go to meadows and learn how- 
play this peculiar knocking game. When Hon. 
Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King & still 
continues to exercise. 

Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. 
Taft to be King of America he-say him: "Hon. 
Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please V^ 

"I are a very distinguished trot,'' narrate Wm. 
"I have become noted by running from places 
to places.'' 

"These U. S. won't not stand no more fat 
heroes," say Hon. Roosevelt. "What possibly 
good it do you to have newspaper print say ^Hon. 
Taft spend 24 hours daily at desk.^^' Small or 
less. But have war correspondent say 'Hon. 
Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of 
wild bulls' and you will be called upon by 1,000 
photographers & Frederick Remington." 

Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars. 

"When you are training to be a king," say Hon. 
Theo, "you must exercise to develop considerable 
chest." 

"I have a developed chest already," snuggest 
Hon. Taft, drawing his belt close around. 

"Assuredly you have," say Hon. President, 



214 LETTERS OF A 

"but you should wear it higher so that it would 
show to better advantage." 

"How to begin to be a National Athlete?'' 
say Hon. Wm. 

"I began by breaking horses/' say Hon. Theo. 

"I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting 
on him/' abrogate Hon. Taft. 

"I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy/' say 
ruler of nation. " If you can not take exercise you 
can at least play GoUuf." 

So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club 
if he promise not to broke it & he find a nice, 
green link near Light House at Washington where 
he practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. 
of War it are now a easy snap to find following 
card : 

HON. WM. H. TAFT 

ARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4 

DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION. 

MOVING PICTURE MAN 

IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE 

Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky 
& surprise to me about outside exercises enjoyed 
by Americans is that they takes them in such a 
light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of 
health-bring and deep breathing merely a funny 
laugh-at thing .? Answer is, No!! 

It sadden my pulse to see American family by 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 215 

good elderly summertime pack trunk to go shore- 
side. Why they sing & whistle comick song 
about " I am timid to return home in darkness" ? 
Why so happy & frolick for as they are gone down 
to train ? Do they not know that they are sujurn- 
ing away for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which 
is hyjean & therefore kind of sacred because it 
can do a great deal of harm to all human races ? 
By border of ocean they go to some light hotel & 
dip slightly in tidy serf of sea, they lole upon sand 
in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette, they 
drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they 
practise whatever flirting is necessary — no 
thoughts of their scientifick insides. 

Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful 
improvement! Japanese athlete would arise more 
sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to 
do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior 
digestion. He would measure self by Bertillon 
system by each hourly prompt. Then he would 
feel strong & well, or else he would n't. Vacation 
are nothing to laugh at as if it was a jokes. 

But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer- 
face at everything including sacred subjecks & 
TariflF. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki, 
Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick 
Y. M. C. A. 



2i6 LETTERS OF A 

"Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nursh- 
ing food," say Hon. Matsuki, ''have increased 
stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last lo 
years." 

Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg- 
joint. 

''I shall give you a hit unless stop!" I dib for 
pain. 

"Listen to them lecture what he say-it!" fatigue 
Nogi. "He-say each Japanese by exercises & 
feed has grew 6 inches in lo year-time. At them 
rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918." 

"That are a nice patriotick average for me," 
I surround. 

" By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will 
all be 6 ft. 10 inches in 1938. What, then, would 
keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches lofty 
in year 1978 ?" 

"Nothing but laziness," I repose for answer. 

"The Japanese is aptly determined," decry 
Nogi, showing satire by nose. "If they use con- 
siderable Christian Science about growing up 
could they not become physical sky-scrapes in 
time.?" 

"They might, but could they?" is answer for 
me. 

"And what if they attained such a lofty .f'" 
locate Nogi with skeptick look from Missouri, 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 217 

*^ would they be more smart if? Physical culture 
do not make persons able to lecture on works 
of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon. James Jef- 
fries are a very physical cultured man, yet he can 
only lick one person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, 
what was a brief man with a circular stummick, 
could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by 
twist of his thumbs." 

"Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure," 
I announce for sighs. 

''Of surely he were not!" dib that heated Nogi. 
" If he were a failure how he got his nephew that 
high job in Roosevelt Cabinet .^" 

I am confused to answer. 

Hoping you are the same, I am 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXIV 

CAN HON. NORTH POLE BE DETECTED? 

San Francisco, August 26th. 
To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out 
Truth like a soda fountain &" serve it with 
very tasty flavours to all-kind of humans. 

Dear Sir — I am bed-riding now, thank you, 
for illness of head. So sorry I go Fresno last 
week to seek-it where work was to be got among 
Hon. Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a 
temperament of 98° in shadow & pretty soonly I 
am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. 
" Poor Japanese Boy!" collapse kind Mr. Jack- 
son, who is a sweet philanthropy; so he ship me 
backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate 
me ^10 weekly so long as I am sick. 

On such a salary I shall be liesurely about get- 
ting well. 

So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at 
Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging, where I 
receive all Japanese and American friends who will 
be polite guests & please not bring no more flours 
because my hon. bedroom become stuffy with 

21S 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 219 

such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches, 
howeverly, will be welcome day & night. 

Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, 
Sydney Katsu Jr., Little Annie Anazuma & Frank 
the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my 
room this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. 
They bring golden thoughts, but nothing more 
expensive. 

''In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is com- 
pelled to smoke cigarettes and act manly on 
election days/' say Cousin Nogi, ''there Hon. 
Frank H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamer- 
ous majority because of his beautiful eyes and 
hair." 

"He will be very popular in high schools, 
Vassars, etc., because of his sweet expression,'' 
olicute little Annie. 

"Will such a expressions make him popular 
among campaign contributions?" contribute 
Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff. 

My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all 
over my very sick bed with awful feverish debats 
until I groan from hot brows, because I got a sun- 
strike. Political conversation next turn to all- 
kinds tropickal subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention 
Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned Frank 
say-so that Hon. Cuba can't never escape from 
Hon. Taft when he got it; Uncle Nichi enquire to 



220 LETTERS OF A 

know if Rep Party will continue to be useless about 
Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma 
tell of paper-news she read about hon. yellow 
fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal. 

I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with 
gasps. 

"You are a loud noise/' I liquidate. "When 
you come to bedstead of a sunstruck person, why 
you all-time talk about politicks what are happen- 
ing all over Hon. Equator .?'' 

"Would some breezy topick of conversations be 
more pleasant for such a sun-strike .f^^' enquire 
Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice. 

"Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain/' 
I dib with fan. 

Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary 
boy who will be a heathen 2 weeks more before 
vacation is over, 

"I have got just such a cold topicks,'' he-say. 
"Hon. Adm. Peary, intemperate explorer on cold- 
weather boat Roosevelt^ have started for Swartz- 
burger, Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an 
entirely iced Pole before it melts.'' 

"Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama," 
I sigh-up for relief, "already I feel some pleasant 
chills in my vertebral." 

"In his kitty of supplies," say Arthur, "Hon. 
Peary have took 750 blankets of red flannel com- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY aai 

plexion, 100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny Wonder 
gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter 
when starving & 20 doggy-sleys with Hmousine 
tops to keep ofF cold." 

"What are he going to North Pole for if he desire 
to keep off cold ?" I enquire with sun-stroke gasps. 

"I am confused about it/' say Arthur. "Hon. 
Peary perform a interview for N. Y. Journals 
before depart. 'Are you afraid of a freeze.?' 
Hon. Reporter ask to know. *No, I are not/ he 
reply for pride.'' 

"All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about 
freezing in July/' report little Annie Anazuma, 
who are a bright for her nine-year age. 

"If a good detective should discover this Pole 
what would he discover .r"' require Uncle Nichi, 
who is becoming educated in American telephones. 

"He would discover considerable bad weather/* 
abrogate Nogi. 

"Should a person go through such a pearil & 
danger to discover bad weather V say Uncle who 
can enquire if nothing else. 

" It are the pearil & danger what makes all them 
furry gentlemans so anxious to get it/' say Nogi. 
"If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard who 
would care to have it .?"' 

"I should like some chunks for headache/' 
I neglige with pained eyebrows. 



222 LETTERS OF A 

" Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investiga- 
tors," devote Frank. 

^' What would they investigate at North Pole ? " 
require Nogi for scorn. ''Is there some Grafts at 
North Pole ? Have it got a Saloon Evil like 
Chicago, or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a 
Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or some Favourite 
Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San 
Francisco, or some Senate Undesirables like Wash- 
ington ? If Hon. Pole ain't got no Hon. Shames 
like them I mention it should be let alone. If it 
have got such a Grafts they must be nicely packed 
in ice where they will keep forever unless disturbed. 
Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all- 
way to Latitude O for find some cold-storage graft 
when he can get it entire year round in 
Philadelphia?" 

"We ask to know!" collapse my Japanese 
Friends in unicorn & leave me alonesome with 
my sick medicines. 

Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I 
got time to think about important topicks in an 
entirely fooly way. I think about all them 
American & English gentlemans what has seeked 
North Pole because they was not tame enough to 
enjoy game of goUuf and bridge-card. How much 
more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 223 

effort over dreer waists of ice with full heart and 
empty stummick — how much more pleasant this 
are than continually gollujfing over the links with 
a retired cloak manufacturer what can't talk 
about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie 
Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of 
some persons he have left behind his awful solitude 
become entirely cozy. 

Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has 
not enjoyed hunting for Poles ? Irish mans, 
Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi 
with each other for this sport. Hon. Russian po- 
lice is also fond of hunting Poles, but them is 
usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. 
Duke de Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe 
the Hon. Pole to discover it; but he recently dis- 
cover America with a very matrimonial expression. 
Only human nationalities which does not care 
about dashes to North Pole is Hon. Niggers which 
is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too 
much sense. 

Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. 
Pole in a airship. Hon. Magazines, Newspaper 
press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon. 
Wellman's discovery long-time before it happen, 
which was fortunate because it never did. Great 
day of discovery arrive. ''Are you ready, Hon. 
Wellman?" require Hon. Photographer with 



224 LETTERS OF A 

Chicago accent. *'Of sure I are!" explode Hon. 
Wellman, who was without a daunt. "Then cut- 
it the string!'^ say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to 
duzzy hight of i8 feet where Hon. Wellman could 
see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick 
scenery with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, 
which he send to Chicago newsoffice with report, 
"I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there." 
Then his airship descend down with a bursted 
stummick. 

Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from 
Baloons to Bryan. He-say for recent newspaper 
article: '^Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White 
House by a short cut." If Hon. Bryan start 
to White House by Hon. Wellman windship he 
might get there, but would he ? 

Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture 
because my head is sick: 

Columbus say the World go roundy-round 
Just like bisickel wheel do, day & night; 

The Pole it are a Hub which move that ground 
And are too busy, thanks, to act polite. 

The Pole he got a quite important task 

And must be enerjetick all he can; 
He dib, **Get out!'* when persons come to ask — 

He hard to find like E. H. Harriman. 

The Pole he manage all them rolling-stock 
And boss the world whatever way he please. 




£ 
o 



> 

O 



c 

3 

o 



ex 
o 



^ 

rt 



O 
C 

'3 
o 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 225 

When Muckrakes come to write him up for shock 
He say, "Refuse to answer," then he freeze. 

The Pole he are a predatory Graft, 

A short-but-ugly word, yet on he go 
With utter disregard of Time & Taft — 

A Solid Plutocrat of ice and snow. 

Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat 
are called the Roosevelt, It are because it are a 
hot thing in a cold climbate — also because it are 
a champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, 
please, because it would sound delicious in 
Japanese.) 

Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that 
Hon. Peary from going to North Pole as oftenly 
as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint 
because he do it on so small scales. He are a 
small dealer in Poles, therefore he should be 
crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Com- 
merce. Would it not be more better for civilization 
if Arctick Circle was organized into exploration 
Trust with ;^20,ooo,ooo capital and several 
Senators .^ You bet your bootware such a Trust 
would get to Pole & build trolley to there in less 
time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. 
I am surprised that such a Trust has not thought 
of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling .r^ He- 
say: ^' Is seldom a law of man or God found North 
of 23." 



226 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for 
a Trust. 

Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are 
not interested in North Pole there must be delici- 
ciously little laying loose around there co steal. 

For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that con- 
siderable salt-drip of tears is waisted on them cool 
heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 
tender & fat angel, say: '' Poor mans, not to have 
fresh asparagus for months in & out!'' 

*' Truly so," I navigate, "but if they have no 
fresh asparagus, they also has no mosquitos." 

''Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer 
you talk like.?^" she ask it. 

*'I should like to be J a Arctick Explorer," I 
struggle. '' If I was permitted to do so I should 
enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July, August 
& Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should 
be pleased to spread gospels among better warmed 
cannibels of South Seas." 

" Both are noble trades for a hero," say-she for 
kind sentiment. 

'*It are pleasant to be useless during vacations," 
I dib. 

With love to Senator Lodge & other successful 
Eskimos, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXV 

HIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES 

San Francisco, Sept. ist. 
To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be 
very marriageable person^ if he has not already 
attended his own, 

Hon. Mr. — Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, 
who is a mental Socialist, say me this statistick 
for peevish argument: 

''Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is mar- 
ried together by each day in these U. S.'' 

''Such delicious number of happiness!" I com- 
mit, pointing to Utah on map. 

"Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,'' derange 
Frank with Harvard expression, "at leastly 23,000 
is International Marriages, including, by police- 
record, following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, 
Liberians, Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, 
Otts, and Pennsylvanians." 

"Them races is told apart by washing them,'' 
I deride for conversation. 

"Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting 
married together by each day, maybe there is a 
few number with something queer about them; 

227 



228 LETTERS OF A 

maybe lOO of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is 
double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of them has two heads 
apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and I or 2 of 
them is a Duke or something." 

" Do newspaper-press mention with loud excite- 
ment the marriage of all them Hon. Freaks.?'' I 
ask for knowledge. 

''Seldom if any," say Frank the Japanned 
Bootpolish. ''What say Hon. Shakespeare about 
International Marriages .? He-say, 'When Princes 
wed there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks 
must crawl out under tent.'" 

"Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention 
that Hon. Prince among other Hon. Freaks?" I 
inquire to know. 

"Ah no!" rejoy that Frank. "Is not one Hon. 
Prince some Freak.? Yes, surely so! Is not one 
baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to 
see as one baby born with six ears .? Boots can be 
bet on it!" 

"Too sad," I collapse with tear-drop of eye. 
"When one Hon. Prince come to this U. S. persons 
should be more politeness. They should not 
make groups around him with scissors to 
cut away souveners from him. They should 
not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at 
his Hon. Crown. Maybe he is sensitive about his 
deformity!" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 229 

"Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common 
Freaks/' debate Hon. Frank. 

"With what for difference.^'' I reject. 

"Common Freaks is supported by Museums 
which do very well. Hon. Princes is supported 
by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. 
Hence appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate 
for International Marriages." 

My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we 
spoke in Japanese syllables, come up and say, 

"If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke 
de Buzzi to marry his family, will this not be 
considered unpatriotick act to do ? Will not Hon. 
Senator occupy anonamous position in U. S. 
Senate.^" This from Nogi. 

" I am reminded of fudge ! " I relapse with expres- 
sion of iced aristocrat. " He will occupy elsewhere 
position!" 

"What committee in U. S. Senate could endure 
such Hon. Senator when so related to pompous 
crown of Italy?" require Japanned Frank. 

"Committee on Foreign Relations would be very 
nice seat for such Senator," I commute with 
decorated appearance from eyebrow. 

Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes 
of this America to them Nobilities caming here in 
seek for employment. Why for is such high-tarift 



230 LETTERS OF A 

policy in this free kingdom on them European 
manufactured goods Hke automobiles, barons and 
carved sculptors ? America are entirely anxious 
to become civilized — yet how can she get it vs^ith- 
out some of them things made in Germany for 
small price ? In France any mechanical vs^orking- 
girl can afford to buy one small Baron on easy 
installment plan. In Italy they are served as 
waiters with meals. Americans may collect them 
in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House 
of U. S. they are insulted and treated like works 
of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are so 
chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco. 

But ah ! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo 
are on to some sure wisdom about why them Hon. 
Nobles is so rare to get in this America when 
delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are 
one Combination in Restraint of Trade. Day- 
by-year Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall. 
How often do Dukes come to America with pur- 
pose of marrying some Common People ? Never 
if seldom — except when them Common People 
is rich as they are common. Who get first pick-out 
of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin families when they 
arrive to Custom House ? Do Hon. Employ- 
ment Bureaus ^ Do Plumbers & Joiners Union ? 
Do Beneficial Order of Elks ? 

Reply is, NO ! Who do, then .? For answer 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 231 

write to Hon. La Folette who will send, by 
stamp, list of persons who done it, including 
97 varieties of wealth. 

Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker 
for Kentucky, say-so that this kingdom is deli- 
ciously disgusted about Princes because It are 
entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give 
especial loathing to desperate patriots like Hon. 
Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be shot; so 
he do so, thank you, with foto camera. 

During the wedding season in America it are 
nice trick for Japanese Schoolboy to set in sofa of 
very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty 
soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey 
finish who make sneak-walk in at tradesman 
entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be noticeable 
except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green 
beard to appear natural. As he approach to desk 
of Hon. Clerk there is nervous creaking of furniture 
where Hon. Reporters is hidden in. 

''Name, please, to register it!" say Hon. Clerk 
with pen. 

" John Smith of Nebraska," remit them stranger 
with Kansas accent. 

''You are a ugly word!" renig that Clerk with 
teeth. "Nobody in Nebraska have such queer 
name like John Smith." 



232 LETTERS OF A 

(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind 
furniture.) 

*'On what business are you here on?" relapse 
Hon. Clerk. 

^' I ain't not here on no business. I are " 

"You are^'' abjurgate Clerk, ''then you admit 
it!" 

''He admit it!!" cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 
Photographers arising from furniture. 

"Which do I admit .f^" desire Hon. Stranger 
beginning to make tears. 

"You are the Prince de Chagrin!" collapse all 
in unicorn. 

"Discovery!" cry that unhappy Prince, fainting 
away into bar-room. All kodaks explode 
simultaneously. 

With immediate quickness that Hotel become 
one International Affair. Telegraf editors of all 
prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be 
near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. 
Prince is awake, is full with interviewers, biog- 
raphers, historians, popular novelists, muck- 
rakers, scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers 
& engravers. 

Pretty soonly Evening Bagpipe come out. 
On back page is grand editorial of magnificent 
tipe of title "How We Despise that Nobility!" 
To prove them contempt of nobility. Evening 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 233 

Bagpipe print live-size portrait on front page 
showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in auto- 
mobile with America & French flags by Cupid & 
mothology ladies. By each ^ hour Evening 
Bagpipe arrive with extra edition to tell what 
might be next, as follows: 

10 o'clock extra! — Prince de Chagrin took elevator 

to wine-room and say, "Make it two!" This 
is an almost proof that he is engaged. 
10:30 double extra!! — Royal Prince de Chagrin 
was saw looking at palace of Hon. J. W. 
Moneywortz this morning with matrimonial 
expression. 

11 0^ clock pink extra!!! — His Highness, Prince 

de Chagrin, shook hands with Senator John- 
son with democratick laugh. Hon. Senator, 
with great presence of mind, said, "My daugh- 
ter is already married." 
1 1 :30 double pink sporting extra!!!! — His Royal 
Highness, Prince de Chagrin, stopped at 
Seidlitz Gallery and looked i^ minutes at 
photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story 
of this lady's life (if she got one) will appear 
in 3 color for Sunday extra supplement with 
souvenir toy baloons. 

12 0^ clock green international suicide extra!!!!! — 

His Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have dis- 



234 LETTERS OF A 

appeared. Nobody else is missing — what 
to tell ? 
13 o'clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!! — Hon. Emperor 
de Chagrin traced 5 miles on road to Chicago 
by broken kodaks. Maybe it was someone else. 

By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. 
Lecture at Socialist Hall. 

"Time will came, and soonly/' say Hon. Lecture 
"when working man of America will got everything 
he want." 

"Will he got a foreign title for self & family V 
I enquire with voice. 

For them question I was rejected for being a 
Japanese Spy. 

And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If 
Hon. Workman deserve to own the Trusts he also 
deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon. 
Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. 
If Hon. Farmer of rural populus can have i auto- 
mobile and his Hon. Wife i Pianola, can not his 
Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian 
Nobility by summer evening .^ Can not Petaluma 
Clarion appear each weekly with following 
gossip of neighbouring live-stock: 

"Bill Brown's daughter, Countess Rockheimer 
& husband, made visit to the farm this week. 
Welcome, strangers! 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 235 

"Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was 
out plowing the North Acre on Saturday. His 
Lordship is a very fine hustle. 

''There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass 
family. It 's a boy this time. 

''Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from 
town on trip to St. Petersburg for visit his son-in- 
law the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty dead 
without the genial Senator !'' 

No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not 
too many Dukes, but too less of them. If Ameri- 
cans seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would 
not name cigars after him. This is also found 
amongst lower species. Insects is arranged care- 
fully in glass boxes and named after difficult 
Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly 
about being coaxed by collectors. But when them 
same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies leading 
simple life among potato plants they are generally 
regarded to be Bugs. Thus I transfer it from 
Japanese poetry: 

If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see 
And human persons was not used to its 

Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be 

Admiring of his limbs the way they fits. 

But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick 
That persons sweep them up in pans and pails. 

And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick, 
Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales I 



236 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

I am given to be understood that Hon. King 
Manuel of Portugal are looking for young lady 
willing to be queen. Them news are causing very 
dangerous heart-throb in family circle of U. S. 
Senate. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — One banzai thought! Several months 
pass-by ago one imperious Japanese Prince make 
visit to America. Since he return to Japan there 
has not been least slightest rumor of engagement 
to him of Miss Vanderhooley of Newport. How 
he escape from ^ This is one other evidence of 
superior Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of 
boast! H.T. 



XXVI 

THE SERVANT PROBLEMB 

San Francisco, Sept. nth. 
To Editor New York Newspaper which make 
very tough projectile for mind to chew. 

Hon. Mr. Sir — At Asiatick Delight Japanese 
Employment Bureau where I am found mostly al- 
ways pleading for jobs with price $2^ kindness loan 
of Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday 
with other 43 Japanese Schoolboys which was also 
nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop, of this Hon. 
Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because 
he do. 

" Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might 
bring trunk and sleep. Why so jobless all time .^ 
When I give you delicious something to do it, you 
are back by return carfare for more.'' 

''Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,'' I 
exaggerate. " They will not keep in such climate." 

"You are also unkept," decompose this Muto. 
"You are a wrong Japanese to speek such 
slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant 
Problemb!" 

At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct 

237 



238 LETTERS OF A 

with wrists. My interior soul make kicking per- 
formance of jiu jitsu — but outside my moustache 
I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron 
Takahira. 

''I am so delight to hear!" I renig for sarcastick. 
** I am aware of being a Yellow Peril — to be also a 
Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. 
I am pretty pride about myself to be so much 
altogether.'* 

"Why so you no stick to one job of work 
and thusly gain experience by .^" he denounce. 

" Because-so," I report. ''Thank you, I can 
gain considerable plenty experience by losing jobs. 
I know because I do." 

'' It are person like you that make Servant Prob- 
lemb in this kingdom," collapse Hon. Muto with 
peev. 

"If I are such fine Servant Problemb," I say 
with voice, " why you no get me one job doing it ? 
Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to 
hire such a Problemb for ^3 a week & board it. 
So I shall willingly go there with valise." 

"Have you got some good references of recom- 
mend to show you could hold situation of Servant 
Problemb elsewheres .?" he say it. 

"Of sure I have!" I degrade, so I took from my 
inward vest following recommend of my intelli- 
gence which I wrote myself: 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 239 

-Mrs. C. W. O'Brien, honourable lady, where 
I do table-wait & terrible ordeel from fresh 
American gentleman who say "Jap boy!'^ 
with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup 
drown him at collar & I am next irritate to 
race-riot with Whang So, China boy of dogly 
face & terminate there by hanging him by the 
tail of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, 
Mrs. C.W. O'Brien! Time there was 3 week. 

- Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of con- 
siderable antiquity & large average weight, 
promise pay me loc hr. teach her bisickle 
ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by 
down-hill teaching become deliciously rapid 
because of nervousness enjoyed by hon. 
machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop 
it & can not do until Baker Wagon ensue & 
leave Hon. Maizie broken among machinery. 
I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. 
Maizie become loudly thankless. Time there 
was J hr & no pay. 

— Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I 
am guaranteed for experienced window-wash. 
This is high task of scrubbing and I am 
serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 
3 stories to top of Episcopal Clergyman who 
notice it. Hashimura Togo depart With fire- 
alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite. 



240 LETTERS OF A 

4 — Golden West Garage where I am manicure 

for automobiles. "Are you acquainted to 
do?" say Hon. Boss. "O gladly!" I bereft. 
I try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. 
I do not care for this place. Time there 
was 6 minites. 

5 — I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of 

Duglas Willkins, Sausalito. I am request 
to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is a 
baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy 
breathing it. There I meet Wanda, Japa- 
nese socialist, who discourse with me about 
Private Ownership. While this important 
talk is doing Hon. Baby get himself detached 
from buggy-ride by one method or another. 
I am conversing too much to notice this until 
Hon. Mrs. Willkins approach to say with 
hysterick, ''Where is them Baby .?" I should 
like to answer. By search for it I discover 
Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock 
bush by road. She do not miss me at 
departure. Time there was 3 days. 

Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of 
American magazine-reading, was found at them 
Employment Bureau looking for it also. While 
awaiting for jobs we was delighted to have a 
discuss. He say upwards of this: 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 241 

^'I read in populus magazine for loc one article 
of title ^Why Do Servants Leave Good Homes 
When They Are Fired ?' I ask to know/' 

''Answer to this is, Because," I snuggle. 

''Ah no!" say this Sago. "It are because 
Declamation of Independence make them quit it." 

"How thus?" I delay. 

"Because so," say Sago. "Them Declamation 
pronounce 'All persons is crated free & equal.' 
That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls, 
grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it 
ain't no good maxim for put over kitchen stove. 
Each Household Lady what require to keep Hon. 
Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about 
Hon. Declamation of Independence, or Hon. 
Cook might get suspicious that there is one. 

"Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a 
Declamation while she was setting down to skin 
hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear 
Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of 
'Jolly Widow' in key of piano. Of suddenly 
Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain- 
thought. 

^'^Sake of!' she decry. 'If all persons is crated 
free & equal, why to skin potatoe ^ No person 
what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe. There- 
fore not.' 

"Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly it 



242 LETTERS OF A 

are 1.30 of clock-time and Hon. Mr. Phillup retire 
home from paint-works enjoying faintness. 

"'Hon. Mrs.' he say-so to female wife, ^ where 
is them lunch to eat it.^^' 

*''I will seen about/ say Hon. Mrs. from piano 
play. So she go kitchen expressing angry rage by 
feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly 
Widow headware & setting on valise meaning 
good-bye. 

'''Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch 
to cook it V she deserve. 

'"Can not do, thank you,' deliver that Hon. 
Cook. ' I are crated free & equal. Also dam gas- 
range enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight 
to tell you farewell because I am a decent average 
girl.' 

"That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking 
part of it with her," say Sago. 

"Servant ladies what is too free & equal is 
found at liberty nearly all-time," I rebate with 
Asiatick salute. 

One wise Professor which is mistaken say 
"Trouble of these United State is that servants is 
no good." Such childhood to say! Trouble of 
these United State is that servants is too good. 
Most of them is too good to work except when 
drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 243 

Cooking lady are too good for sweep; sweeping 
lady are too good for window-wash; window- 
wash lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing 
lady are too good for anything. Frequently at 
least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon. 
Servant forget how good them person is. Then 
he must be snub. 

''Are you a drunkard by habit ?" enquire Hon. 
Employer. 

"I are," relapse Hon. Servant. "Are you?*' 

''Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady 
moral, nice sleep-hours, early-rise man.f^" require 
that Employer for nervus shock. 

"I are not," reply them Servant. "Are you f 

Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry 
rage. 

"You must be unfitted for any good job of work 
to do it!" he corrode. 

"Of sure I are," flotate that Hon. Servant. 
"How nicely you are guessing things!" 

Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain. 

"You know who I are .?" require Hon. Servant. 

"I am aware at last," say Employer. "You are 
Upton Sincere the Boy Noveller attempting to give 
me write-down for famous novel 'The Meatrop- 
olis,' which will describe my disgusting wealth. 
You are fired in advance," say Hon. Employer 
escaping to hide self under bed. 



244 LETTERS OF A 

In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands 
where persons has sense enough to be entirely 
Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because 
it is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Ser- 
vant are awaiting on you, you are aware of it. 
Tea is served by crolHng on seat of stummick & 
bumping with forehead to announce it are ready. 
If Japanese Servant require to cease job he are 
legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. 
Employer give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally 
require to do hari-kiri with dull knife to show 
how grateful he feel. 

This custom make Japanese Servant bashful 
about asking to quit. 

Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I 
am at liberty to suppose. Are it not glory-bird feel 
to be Independent ? Ain't not them Indepen- 
dence a grand motion for hearts what makes hero 
go fife-drumming to blaze of fireworks & sley 
something or be dead about it I Hon. Vergil say 
in Latin class, ''How nice it is to die for your 
Country!'' And yet so, what American of intelli- 
gence would care to employ one Hero to do ser- 
vanting around house ? Would it be pleasant to 
have one Cook what is fond of sleying something 
to fife-drum music? Answer is. No!! If Hon. 
Butler absorb gin-wine & march through dining- 
room with purpose to die for his Country he are 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 245 

immediately discouraged by remark, ''Hush! 
Baby is asleep." 

When a patriot are Independent he are called 
''glorious/' 

When a Servant are Independent he are called 
"undependable/' 

Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesti- 
cated cook: 

CONVERSATION WITH A NEGLECTED AMERICAN 

Alice O'Rafferty, Swedish Servant, 

Tell me to know, 

What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair 

expression of look ? 
Hast you forgotten 

Childhood home & don't-forget-me blossom 
Of dear old mother neath 
Apple-tree bud ? 
Hast you forgotten 

Some very nice love-song of early springly time 
By shade of water-cress 
And daffy-dills sweetly blend ? 
I require answer, please! 
**Ah no, I ain't forgot them things," 
Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove, 
"But I hast forgotten 
To put any carrots 
In Hon. Soup." 
She weep. 

Alice O'RafFerty, Swedish Servant, 

What volume of book 

Have you got hid under wash-board ? 



246 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Are it some technical work 

On heating buns ? 

Are it entitle, 

**How to construct a mince pie on an income of ^l,ooo a year ?'* 

Are it entitle 

"Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates"? 

I ask to look. 

"Ah no," response that estimate female, 

**It are a fairy-story entitle * Marriage of Wm. Ashes/ 

By Mrs. Humpley Ward." 

Sighs from her. ^ 

"Life of cook are very mean and sordy," 

She say, 

And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book. 

Alice O'Rafferty, Sv^edish Servant, 

Tell me to know — 

But hark! 

I hear something burning with smudge! 

Maybe it are a house afire, 

But it smell remarkabilously like 

Soda biskits what has ignited therselves 

In oven. 

Hoping you are having no trouble with your 
Public Servants, I am 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXVII 

THE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE 

San Francisco, Sept. 24th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who I include 
to list of wireless friends. 

Dearest Sir — One thousands of year pre- 
vious to now time-date what was heard in America 
from both ends ? Howeling of savages who enjoyed 
it. What is heard by to-day time .^ Considerable 
more howehng, thank you; but it is being did over 
Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New York Journal 
telephone. Before discovery of Manhattan by 
was embarrassed for awfully little quantities of 
scientifick interest to print. By present time 
of date Hon. Reporter for them Journal are 
heartsick to keep 100 years ahead of feetsteps of 
Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel 
of Modern Education. If all them Scientifick 
Fact I read about is truthful, then this world of 
which we live are getting along too fastly to be 
good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate 
some day Chicago will explode & be off map. 

Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing 
when took in moderate doses. It keep Profes- 

247 



248 LETTERS OF A 

sors from going to Congress, it make murder-by- 
machinery very pleasant and give Naval Construc- 
tion Board chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science 
of such quantity compel persons to be more hap- 
pier in sweetheart surroundings of home-life ? 
Simple candlelight of our New English ansisters 
beampt on happy glow-faces of dear family 
gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. 
Do Newport Father & Mother of present to-day 
felt more entranced setting below lOO horse-power 
chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female 
daughter to elope with some Duke of foreign 
arrival ? To disappointed heart, Mr. Editor, 
Science can't do nothing despite of electrick fans, 
all-night elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. 
Electrick fans are impossible to drive away Hon. 
Care, all-night elevator can't not lift a sorry man 
out of himself and it ain't no use to go Liverpool 
in one 5-days boat if Hon. Trouble have got there 
first. 

In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of 
Oklahoma University which discover a very sur- 
prised Science. He have found how to do it to 
abolish Old Age by electricity. Following is 
recipe to do it at home: 

I — Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of 
years. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 249 

2 — Take him in very dark room and soak him 

24 hours in bath of sulphurick acid. 

3 — Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over 

oil stove & expose to sunstroke, 20 minutes. 

4 — He is then ready to abolish by electricity. 

Do this by fastening storage battery to base 
of brain and increasing dose till 105 centi- 
grades is enjoyed. 

5 — Old man ought to be pretty active by this 

space of time. If not he is too spoiled. Try 
another one. 

I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, 
because I got one Grandfather residing in 
Yeddo v^ho is now 97 old and will not keep very 
longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear 
Japan before he pass off I shall do friendship 
duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity. 

In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive 
Lodge, nearly related to Senator Lodge from 
Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disem- 
bowled spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently 
discovered by Science. By evening time, say 
Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting 
alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive 
about knocking. You hear hump-bump on high 
wall-paper of bedroom .? That are not cause by 
Hon. Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoes 



250 LETTERS OF A 

to carpet. My nervus sakes ! What is ? Thump- 
thump! It is wireless Ghost from Away OfF 
trying to act interesting. 

''What require.?" you must ask to know from 
Hon. Ghost. 

"I am Napoleon Bonaparte/' say Hon. Ghost 
by signal-practise. "I require to leave message 
for Cousin Charley at Washington.'' 

"'What to say to this Hon. Charley .?" you dictate 
for answer. 

''Don't be too dam fierce about Predatory 
Richness," say Napoleon Bonaparte to Charley 
Bonaparte. "Remember us Corsican family got 
ours by tooking it." 

He is going to say-so some more, but is 
shut off by Central for them profane swear he 
said it. 

Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one 
invention of Spiritualistick Telephone so Ameri- 
cans can talk with dead persons more conveniently. 
This will be nice subjeck to improve. By present 
method when persons wishes to correspond with 
Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require 
50c to throw herself into trances and connect you 
with wrong parties. But when them Spiritualis- 
tick Telephones is invent them conversations 
with graveyards may be got for price loc 
sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy can go 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 251 

to any telephone booth and require of lady 
Operette. 

''Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone 
3604 Spiritland, please! Yes sir! Hello-it — is 
Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk ? 
Thank you again! Is them you, Mr. Shakes- 
peare ? One question to reply for Japanese Boy, 
please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Caesar ? 
Hon. Bernard Shaw ? — No ? — He improve it, 
you say.r^ Oh, them ain't no news! Hon. Shaw 
know that already. One more reply, please - — 
hello — get from off the wire, please, Mr. 
Thackeray! — 

I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more 
better telephone service between Here and 
Hereafter than between San Francisco and 
Oakland. 

An eminent surgery of Columbus University 
have invent new species of laughter-gas call 
''electrick sleep.'' Both tooth & appendix might 
be pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell 
me. Hon. Patience will be in bed dreaming of 
something different while everything is removed. 
Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create 
calm which is followed by whatever knifing is 
necessary to create a good-healthy. Absent treat- 
ment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf 
wire. 



252 



LETTERS OF A 



Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty 
Machine which can discover prevaricus Liars by 
clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a 
Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth 
of one poor malefactor w^hat is telling his testi- 
monial to Hon. Judge. While that poor male- 
factor say truth Hon. Machine remain very polite 
about it; but when he say lie, then Hon. Machine 
is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that 
poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. 
Machine have not yet been experimented on 
mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be 
took to White House soonly. Some says it will 
not be necessary there. 

One machinery of name called "gyroscope" 
is very immediately to revolutionize in circles. 
This wonderful whirler can be put on any railroad 
train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them 
train proceed along on one wheel. Irish gentle- 
man what invent that gyroscope promise for it to 
do everything. It will abolish all crimes of rail- 
road, including accidents, collisions, rebating, 
lobbying & Pullman porters. Hon. Harriman 
will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, 
because they will be run on one rail. Railroads 
with I rail can merely be fined J as much by Inter- 
state Commerce Commission. 

This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious prob- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 253 

lemb of Mechanical Flight have been solved by 
Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & 
Ben F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no 
longer consider in vogy. Hotter-than-air machines 
is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make 
sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, 
breaking New Jersey record & machine. Hon. 
Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes 
and travel from Panama Canal to Philippine 
_Tariff^, landing with considerable jar on the 
Administration. This break Congressional 
record. 

Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure 
cure for cancer by moonlight ray. If this do not 
discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons it can be 
used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. 
This is a very positive remedy which have only 
been known to fail in cases where persons has 
really got cancer. 

Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scienti- 
fick renovations discover by me in this morning 
press, I am not doubtful that I could found a 
great number of more by looking in more yellow 
colour of news. Science advances, Mr. Sir, 
according to speed of paper for which you sub- 
scribe to. 

In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one 



254 



LETTERS OF A 



famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules Verne, who write 
polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on 
cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin 
by subway & annexation of America to Africa 
by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. 
Verne is consider one very truthful old gentleman, 
but too slow & quiet about telling facts. Any 
Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not dis- 
cover more exciting scientifick news for morning 
edition would be suppressed for lack of talents & 
put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column. 
Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. 
Editor, and I am congratulate on it. Christians 
is very skeptic about believing that Hon. World 
are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. 
But if extra edition of Morning Bagpipe should 
make red-tipe announcement: 

!! WORLD TIPPING OVER!! 

SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, ** EARTH IS 
OVERLOADED ON EAST SIDe!" 

INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFORE 
AWFUL SPILL! 

If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, 
I would enjoy great fright and spend 25c to get 
more later editions. 

Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature 
among them 97 rulers of America mentioned in 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 255 

statistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I sub- 
scribe to wrong paper. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by mar- 
riage to seat in U. S. Senate ? I am confused for 
reply. H. T. 



XXVIII 

THE HON. MARS 

San Francisco, September 30th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who make me 
to think of astronomical subjecks. 

Dearest Sir — Considerable scientists has 
been making observations of Hon. Planet Mars 
by very recent time; so I have also been doing 
so by use of opera-glasses which I borrow secret- 
ively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry. 
For time of several nights I have regarded this 
Star with fixed eye for long moments together, but 
I have not enjoyed to discover them famous Canals 
because I not could see them, thank you. And 
yet perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, 
but of them disgusting Katsu glasses what are 
dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right 
eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy. 

However is, I am excited to wrote Popular 
Science about Hon. Mars because any intelligent 
person can do so after turning eye-glasses to 
heaven. 

Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people .? is question 
for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why should 

256 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 257 

Americans become excited about it ? We know 
by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places 
is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar 
with fact that Ireland is inhabited ? No excite- 
ment about that! Does we not know exactly that 
New Jersey is inhabited ? No excitement about 
that, except on Presidential year! Then why 
should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertise- 
ment ? I ask to know. 

American scientist say, "In near adjoining 
future we shall make talk with them Mars 
persons.^' So foolish to try! We are acquain- 
tanceship with too many people already. Then 
why should we travel by telescopes trying to make 
back-talk with stars ? Maybe Americans will 
be peevishly careful about associating with Mars 
persons when they see them. Maybe American 
labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor 
of Mars about allowing them disgusting immi- 
grants all over California. Maybe coolie gentle- 
mans from Mars will try get job of work in Van- 
couver cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. 
Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!! 

No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for 
these U. S. to encourage foreign relations with 
stars, planets, islands and other heathens what 
they do not know nothing about. America one 
time did open up Japan in them careless manner 



258 LETTERS OF A 

and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on 
fingers. By same operation she open up Philip- 
pine Islands and immediately Hon. Taft become 
embarrassed by enormous family of brown com- 
plexions. If Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor 
of America once more-time would it be con- 
venient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make 
once more Manila speech about ^'Our Little 
Green Brother.?" I ask no reply 

No human person have yet been to Mars with 
exception of Hon. H. G. Wells, who stops at 
nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. 
He go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction 
to Mayors, Politicians, etc., and have intimate & 
confidential chatter with them mhabitants. These 
Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate 
cities what closely resembles Coney Island. 
They are very swift about place-to-place move- 
ments which is done by shooting the chutes. By 
government they are Socialistic with a Pianola 
attachment. Children of these Mars persons 
is born in incubators and educated by Absent 
Treatment. The inhabitants of Mars is deHght- 
fully different from the inhabitants of Maine. 
The inhabitants of Maine talks through their 
noses while the inhabitants of Mars talks through 
their ears. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 259 

Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by 
light-minded atmosphere that persons can talk 
there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain. 
Persons with feathers sprouting from them in 
inexperienced places may be seen in baloons 
speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, 
Ultimate Destiny of College-bred Womans and 
other topical thoughts what can be dropped in 
that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. 
This planet is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been 
abolished by Congress. 

Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, 
somebody should be punished for discovering it. 

Some other Professors has wrote for magazines 
about this Hon. Mars in very statistical language. 
Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove me 
from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable 
magazine full of alarming portraits of Mars with 
stripes all over it. He say they was took by Hon. 
Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona. 

"Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona ?'' 
I require with suspicious expression. 

"Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. 
Mars,'^ collapse this Sydney. 

"Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona V' I deploy for 
ignorance. 

"It is estimated to be beyond it,'' signify 
Sydney. 



26o LETTERS OF A 

'"You are a very toothsome dentistry/' I dally 
forth. "Please, then, told me what species of 
Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars.^" 

"Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics," 
say Sydney, "because I am aware." 

"What make you so aware?" I require for 
curiosity. 

"Because-so this," manifest Sydney. "Some 
distinct Professor say in Magazine, 'Mars is 
considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!' " 

"What do this prove about Hon. Republican 
Party?" I require. 

"It prove plenty," say Sydney. "Would 
Democratic Administration dig 10,000 Panama 
Canals on such a planet ? Would Hon. Henry 
Watterson permit such a great shovel? Ah, no!! 
Republican Party is blame for putting all them 
surgery on face of Mars!" 

"Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several 
Presidential terms to dig it," I say for philosophy. 

"Third terms is often followed by more of it 
in some Solar Systems," embark this Sydney with 
J. B. Forker expression. 

In discussion of how get there to Mars we was 
considerable discouraged persons, thank you. 
Railroads might go there by Government Owner- 
ship, but would they ? Distance from U. S. to 
Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of arithmetic. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 261 

In speaking of such compendious figures it is 
easy to drop several millions of miles without 
feeling bad about it. 

"Such a trip is too expensive/' said Sydney. 
"If one Japanese Boy desiring to go to Mars 
should travel all over Earth and collect ;^i eech 
from eech man, womans & children, he v^ould 
not yet have sufficient money-pay for trip to Mars." 

"If I had possession of such ability to collect 
^i apiece from all mans, v^omans & child of this 
Earth I would not be particular about going to 
Mars," I renig with American eye-wink. 

I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy. 

While setting at my bureau to-night I drop 
inkstand and look uply at midnight sky, but I 
discover its absence because there is not no 
window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I 
am satisfied to read one newspaper-print which 
is published on Earth each evening. I read about 
Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless 
information about Hon. Terry McGovern, some 
intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and 
several other crimes of etiquette with portraiture 
on front page. But there is no news about Hon. 
Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens 
there frequently. That is a nice fact to know 
about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It is 



262 LETTERS OF A 

pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this 
planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other 
prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought 
that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, 
elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subv^ay & gasolene 
is inhabiting that Hon. Star. Hov^ much more 
dearer w^ould it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. 
Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined 
persons could go after death to set inside their 
souls and get away from this noisy panick of 
otto mobiles! 

Therefore I got a poem — 

TWINKLE, rWINKLT, LITTLE MARS 

Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars, 

How I am mistaken to understood you! 

So far removal 

That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo, 

If nothing else. 

Is n't there not something about Stars 

Similar to Ladies ? 

I bet it there is! 

Sometime, by watchful gloam-time 

Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee. 

He look Ah! 

She is approaching with light feetsteps. 

He feel so exclamitory 

Then, of suddenly. 

When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye, 

That lover seems mistook; 

So disjunctive! 

Alast! 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 263 

It is not her of which he waited — 

It is some other else 

Wearing similar ostrich in her hat. 

She is maidenly, but elderly. 

That lover reverences her respectibility, 

But he is considerable quiet about it. 

"Good evening, Miss Murphy," he say, 

Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath 

And depart by trolley-ride. 

Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars ? 

Are you more suitable for astronomy 

Than for farming ? 

Are you nice for telescopes. 

But poor land for potatoe-grow ? 

I enquire. 

Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars, 

I demand you this: 

Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else 

I am suspicious. 

Can you guarantee them Canals 

To be entirely 

Antiseptic ? No malaria, no mosquitos ? 

Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic ? 

If you have not got no Oceans, 

How can you enjoy 

Naval battles, sea-illness, whales 

And all summer amusements what proper persons require to 

be good-healthy ? 
If I should go to there, Mr. Mars, 
Would you give me contract 
For steady job ? 

Could I have Sunday off, please ? — 
Or don't you enjoy them holidays ? 
Could I have evening-time 
To study piano-play 



264 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

And works of Darwin, Huxley &c Jack London ? 

Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter 

And warm bath-room for splunge ? 

Oh! Hon. Mars, 1 require to know. 

Reply to me in vision of nightmare, 

Telegraf in dreams. 

Answer before 10 o'clock Wednesday 

Because I have got offer to work 

In steam laundry of 

W. G. Sullivan, Oakland. 

This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects 
no reply because it is too Hterary. Therefore I 
will accept that Sullivan job. It is more easier 
to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars 
for a Cabinet Position. 

Hoping you are enjoymg some of that financial 
distrust, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Last Friday night Japanese Thinking 
Society wished very much that yx)U was there 
among it. They indulged a debate on "What is 
a Superman.?'^ Cousm Nogi say "Theodore 
Roosevelt.'^ I. Anazuma say "Bernard Shaw," 
but Hashimura Togo say "Arthur Kickahajama 
is it, because his wife is happy about twins." I 
was made a prize for this of 50c which will be 
Carnegie medal to Mrs. Kickahajama. H. T. 



XXIX 

STANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES 

San Francisco, October 4th. 
Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act 
kind of sweet ^ gentle to Prairie Dog Refined 
^ Oily Co. of Oklahoma because they are a 
Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle. 

Hon. Mr. — "There are nothing more meaner 
and sneeky than to took money from children, 
cripples & other idiots/' say Arthur Kickahajama 
yesterday with brite smile of truth. 

*' There are one thing more meaner & sneeky," 
I dib for Loo Darkstutter expression. 

"What could be ^^ are sharp report for Arthur. 

"To took money from Standard Oil are more 
meaner," I say it. 

"Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such 
money.?" corporate Arthur. 

"Ah yes," I stupify, "but seldom persons can 
afford to accept it." 

" I could receive such a gifts," say Arthur. 

"Hush it," are hiss from me; "who knows what ? 
Maybe Hon. Hearst have got you already on 
sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefeller 

265 



266 LETTERS OF A 

at sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already poli- 

tickly dead and buried under following headline: 

HE TOOK IT ! ! 

PUSSmVE PROOF THAT ARTHUR 
T. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARY 
BOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROM 

OIL TRUST!!" 

"O please excuse!" say Arthur for pale chop. 
**I have not yet took them Standard Oily money 
have I?" 

"Not yet, but when ?'* say I nervusly. "You 
must now be in constant state of coll apse. Any mo- 
ment something might happen. Each hour post- 
officer might make door-ring with yellow envelop. 

" ^ Why I get this envelop .^^ you require of post- 
officer with Japanese puzzle of brain. 

"'Perhaps something are inside of it/ snuggest 
Hon. Carry-it. 

"'What w^ould be inside of such a envelop.?' 
you ask to know. 

"'From experience I suspect it are a letter/ 
say Hon. Mailer. 

"You rap open envelop — and O surely so, it 
are a letter! It begin with usual form, 

My dear Senator — I enclose a tiny check for house- 
hold expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter 
telegraph me by wire & don't mention it. 
*Your obedient master, 

" 'John D. Archybold.' 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 267 

^^From envelop fall a slice of paper. You 
pick up & read with entirely cross eyes. It say 
^50,000.'' 

"What I do then?'' muse Arthur with moist 
lips. 

'' If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. 
But it are no use. Already you are a ruined 
Japanese. 

''You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead 
a better life & brace uply. You should like to be 
honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of 
ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, 
Irish patriot. 

"'Please Hon. Mr./ you sub, 'one humbel 
job for poor Japanese who can still mop away 
beer at ^.10 per hourly payment.' 

"'What references got, please?' dib Hon. 
Strunsky. 

"You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. 
Shameful blushes from ears & eyebrows. You 
gollup & your breath is full of pants. 

"'Speech immediately!' growly them famous 
bartend. 'Already I have 6 costomers awaiting 
to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What refer- 
ences you got ? ' 

"'I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold 
of 26 Broadway,' you reject with soul full of 
clams. 



268 LETTERS OF A 

'''What say?' dib them Strunsky with 
N. Y. Journal noise. 'You come to my 
clean saloon asking for i position of publick 
trust and are sneekretly carrying around with 
you a letter what would not be tolerated in 
the U. S. Senate? You would be noticeable 
even in Pennsylvania!' 

"And with them remark he roll you over beer- 
kag by family entrance. Night approach and you 
are alone with your scratches." 

"And what next ?" require Arthur with bumped 
imagination. 

"Ain't no next for you and Gov. Haskle," are 
reproach from me. 

"Yet a singed worm will twist," submit Arthur. 
"Would Gov. Haskle make sweet-dog smile to 
Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them 
delicious scratches?" 

"Perhapsly might," am regard I make. 

"What-say famous saw-wisdom?" require 
Arthur. "It-say, 'Scratch a Russian and you 
strike a Tartar.'" 

"Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil," are 
smart quotation for Japanese Schoolboy. 

Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a 
Chimera. That were a very mean curse. A 
Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fake 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 269 

discovered in a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent 
Greek drunkard. This queery mammal start in 
to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the sub- 
jeck about the middle of his body, so he continue 
on backwards in a squimyform appendix to 
look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part 
of this beast, Mr. Editor, are mild and fond 
of common people and he love to nibble vege- 
tarian diet in Utopia where he live; but the 
rear extension of that Chimera continue to point 
in the direction of Wall Street where it make 
wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard 
part of them Chimera were born in 1896, but 
the v^iggly part were nailed on at the Denver 
Convention this year. 

Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. 
The Chimera are an animal. Hon. Roosevelt 
agree with John Burro on all subjecks. 

Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle 
and Hon. Forker in act of Standard OiHng, 
done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of 
America. When I think of all that good he 
done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst — and 
then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty 
nice stab which Hon. Hearst made, not because 
he hated Haskle less, but because he hated 
Bryan more. 

S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say that Hon. 



270 LETTERS OF A 

Hearst done what he did for love of truth & justis. 
Hope so he did ! But when Hon. Hearst do things 
for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling 
of elbow. I am reminded of a mustylogical legend 
of antique Japan. 

Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin 
discovered monkeys in England there reside in 
Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for Su- 
pervisor on Democratick ticket & was beat by a 
nother politician name Yen- Yen. When this result 
was happened Hon. Sukiho enjoy such angry 
rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through 
ears. Oftenly he motter, ''I make a lay-to for 
this Yen-Yen." 

One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. 
Suki-ho meet a entirely mad dog & enjoy being 
bit on ankle. 

"O banzai of joy!" decry this patient. ''I 
soonly shall develop a rabbi. Then I shall bite 
my dog O-Fido so he will get it." 

*' Why you wish bite O-Fido .?" require all neigh- 
bour for shocky voice. ''You got grouches for 
them nice pet .?" 

"O-Fido are sweet companion," arnicate that 
Suki-ho, "but I shall deelight to see him bite pet 
dog of Hon. Yen- Yen with a wild germ." 

"You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen- 
Yen .?" they ask it. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 271 

"Not by no means/' erupt Hon. Suki-ho, "but 
if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido bite lap-dog of Yen- 
Yen, then lap-dog will bite Yen- Yen — and he 
are the sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious 
to get equal with/' 

Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in 
them days, so Hon. Suki-ho were hit in skull with 
pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido. And it 
were too bad, because Hon. Yen- Yen's dog were 
a pretty predatory canan. 

Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in 
Germany some bye-gones since .? He say, " Be 
true to your trust and you will get reward in 
Heaven." Numberous American patriots has make 
hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been 
very useful to both Parties. But they got their 
rewards in several kinds of elsewhere. Hon. 
Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in 
Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and 
got his reward in bank deposits. Both are good 
ways to know. 

Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to 
Matt Luther in another way. Hon. Luther 
enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. 
Forker are now enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and 
feeling considerable gall about it. And Hon. 



272 LETTERS OF A 

Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake 
a Stick at. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

SPIRAL SONG OF AMERICAN CLAW-BIRD 

screaming! 

Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness 

loan of Cousin Nogi) 
An American claw-bird 
Made perching on my dream 
And skreech ! 

1 enjoy a very swift night-horse. 
I dream them claw-bird 
Approach to me with yellow envelope 
Of deliciously oiled appearance. 

I ope it for rapture, 

Then wisht I had n't. 

For inside were a note which say 

"My dear Senator — 

"Please find enclosed check for ^30,000 which ain't here but 
are on deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make 
eye-wink signal to clerk and see what happen. We 
received that pipe-line you sent us from Washington. 
Awful thanks. Send another. 

"Yours for business 
"Jno. D. Archybold. 

"S. P. — Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so 
you can destroy." 

I read them dreamy letter 
With laughing soul — 
I are famous already! 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 273 

How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that 
Hashimura Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and 
done so honestly! 

I put on derby, 

I put on gum-slippers 

And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner — 

But alast! 

When I got there it were closed. 

I knock-knock — 

I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob, 

''Who there?" 

"Friend from Oklahoma!" I dib deceptively. 

When low! 

Door burst outly 

And earnest gentleman 

With expression of eternal vigilance committee 

And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth 

Rush out for hit. 

"Haskle!" say he, 

"Rascal!" say-me. 

"Then you are him!" say angry Vision making dents in my 

thoughtful brain. 
"No, I are another Haskle," I choke off — 
"I are Jim Haskle, 
A far distant cousin, 
Or something else." 
"Ha-hol" laugh them Vengeance, 
"Then please to told me " 

But I are saved such humility 

By being kicked out of bed 

By Sydney Katsu, Jr., 

My share-bunk. 

O praise to Heaven, 

Praise to Ancestors, 



274 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr., 

I have rather be kicked 

Out of 1,000 bunks 

By a Friendly Foot 

Than out of i Democratick Party 

By a Independence Leg. 



XXX 

THE HON. BOMB 

San Francisco, October 14th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper^ who is therCy 
I suppose. 

Dear Sir — ^^Hon. Russia have no Constitu- 
tion," say Cousin Nogi from newspaper. "She 
require to get one with considerable quick." 

"Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?" 
I enquire for answer. 

"It is good thing to follow flags," dictate Nogi 
who presume so. 

"Constitution would have had delicious job 
following Russian flag in Manchuria," I collapse 
with Port Arthur eye-wink. 

"Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon 
space of time," simplify this Nogi. 

"How she expects to got them freedom?" 
I ask to know. 

"By bombs & bombast," agitate Nogi. 

"Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?" 
I exemplify. 

"Of sure it do!" say Nogi. "If one Revolu- 
tional gentleman make step-up to me with hand- 

275 



276 LETTERS OF A 

clasp full of lit bombs and decry, 'Give me free- 
dom for Hon. Russia before I excite this dyna- 
mite!' what I reply to them speek ? I reply, 
*To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the free- 
dom you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry 
about returning it.' " 

'*You are ashamed!" I snub for scorn. "Jap- 
anese samurai should not enjoy fear of ex- 
plosions." 

" I ain't not afraid of explosions/' he-say. '' I 
am merely modest about loud noises." 

Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia. 

Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. 
Anarchist speek about them Revolution which 
is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is 
very courageous with whiskers which he wear 
in all directions. He say following statistick 
about Hon. Bomb: 

''Something are wrong about them Hon. 
Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They don't 
never explode when requested to do ^so. Hon. 
Bombs made in Japan is more better for assassina- 
tions, because they is very faithful about going 
off." This from Hon. Anarchist. 

Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is 
difference between all-every-thing did by Russia 
& Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go 
off, thank you. Russian persons make war; it 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 277 

sizzle out by oratory. Flon. Bomb of Japan is 
very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia 
is full of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe- 
buttons & face-powder. When requested to go 
off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make decep- 
tive pretence of going to sleep; and when, of 
finally, it do explode, it enjoy that eruption in 
vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting 
on steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little 
Father. 

Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. 
Nothing Russian goes off on time. Even their 
boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their 
hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolu- 
tionals say, ^^What Russia need is one good 
program.'^ So fudge to think! Genius of Russia 
people is all-time making delicious programs which 
is forgotten, thank you, before Hon. Duma gets 
a chance to talk about something else. Russia 
has greatest statesmen and poorest politicians of 
all- world. 

When Russian Revolutional leader gets took 
with a dream he say, ^^Ah! I have got a Program!'^ 
Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing 
of Holy Terror Synod. 

"What to do with.?" require Hon. Snortsky, 
Radical Leader from Dynamitovitch Province. 

"To read it," say Hon. Leader. So he fold out 



278 LETTERS OF A 

following Program which he read with con- 
siderable elocution: 

1 — 10.30 P.M. to-night Russian people will meet 

at Smithsky's Vodka Parlours and declare 
themselves free of the yoke of RamanofF. 

2 — 11-30 they will go sneekretly with brass band 

to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff and 
sign Declaration of Independence. 

3 — 12.30 they will stand together and give 

pass-key word of Revolution '' Potempotemp- 
tomjinvery," which will be sign for up-rise 
of peasants in Baltick Province. 
4 — 1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal 
machines for 8.29, when get-up will ensue. 

5 — g.30 all common people of Russia will go to 

Nevsky Prospeckt, where Hon. Czar & 
bullet-proof procession will make pass-by 
going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. 
Czar, wife & family, Grand Duke Splurgius, 
Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other 
persons with such names will enjoy blow-up 
with infernal machines. 

6 — Russia will then become Constitutional 

Republic k with plans furnished by Bluejean 

V. Debs. 
This delicious Program are given to Russian 
people who, with fanatick enthusiasm, carry it 
out as following: 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 279 

1 — 10.30 P.M. enormous number of Revolutionals 

meets at Smithsky's Vodka Parlours. 
Speeches, vodka & debate. All infernal 
machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, 
vodka & speeches. Famous Liberal Lead- 
ers made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red 
Wing of Holy Terror do some very serious 
politicks. Vodka. 

2 — 11-30 they all forget to go to grocery store 

of Samsky JonesofF where Declaration of 
Independence is waiting to be signed. 

3 — 12.30 they forget how to pronounce "Potem- 

potemptomjinvery,'' so they don't. 

4 — 1.30 they forget to go to bed. 

5 — 9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt 

and Czar forgets to go by in procession to 
Hague. 

Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one 
trifle more fortunate. Sometime 12 or 13 of 
common people of Russia remember to go to 
Nevsky Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, 
infernal machinery & other patriotick devices. 
Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb- 
proof carriage. 

''Gen. Creepoff*," he say to Chief of Police, 
"what are all them tick-tock sounds I hear like 
busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?'' 



28o LETTERS OF A 

^^Thern/' say Gen. Creepoff, "are infernal 
machinery of Russian people waiting to give 
your Majesty God-speed." 

"What time is them machinery set for?'* say 
Majesty rubbing pale nerves at elbow. 

"For 9.30 A. M., Hon. Sire/' say Gen. 

"Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman/' say Little 
Father with smiling expression. "Them infernal 
machinery will not go off before 1.30, because 
every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!" 

And so it do happen. Them patent exploders 
lay in gutter waiting with loud clock-work noise till 
afternoon-time. They don't see no aristocracy 
worth blowing up, so they don't. But with 
immediate promptness at 1.30 P. M. all them 
machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar 
Makers' Union out on strike. 

Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of 
recently, throw bomb to Hon. Police who after- 
ward pick him together from fence & trees. He 
was Nihilist gentleman who was practising. 
Bombs is more noisy than pianos when practised 
on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. 
Police with club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, 
"Why did you done them explosion with Hon. 
Bomb.^" he make reply for answer, "Because-so 
I am disagreeable about your politicks." 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 281 

Bombs is very v/rong things to have around 
when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask 
to know; what would be result if all persons done 
that for argument ? I am disagreeable about 
W. Euro who come around with Italian garlick 
in his voice. Must I bomb him for it .? I am 
offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman 
who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him 
because of .^ Must I explode all labour unions, 
Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, includ- 
ing Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my 
refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next ? Ah no! 
Dynamite are too expensive to be so generous 
with. 

I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign 
species of explosions being brought over to this 
kingdom of America where murder has always 
been very simple & democratick. It are nassu- 
ating to Japanese Boy to see them Baltick pro- 
poganders dropping deathly fireworks into Union 
Square, N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How 
much more honest and straight-fronted are it 
to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro 
vote in street-car of Washington ! Black Handed 
Association of Italian secret knife-stick are very 
doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night 
Riding Association of American lynchers is con- 
sidered very necessary band of patriotick terrors. 



282 LETTERS OF A 

When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is 
call "imported crime;" when Night Riders shoot 
Southern farmer it is call "American custom/' 
There are great difference between them acts, 
but both are good ways to know. 

There is some philanthropists what goes around 
Hon. World bombing kings, emperors, etc., 
whenever one is met. 

"Why you explode them kings & emperors.?" 
I enquire to know of one Hon. Asassin I meet at 
sidewalk. 

" Because-so," say Hon. Asassin, "by sufficient 
bombing, shoot-gun & poison of soup I expect 
to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers." 

"Such childhood thought!" I decline. "When 
you kill Hon. Emperor, what happen ? There is 
still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. Presi- 
dent, how yet ? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. 
Him asassinated, then there remain House of 
Representators, which might be blew up, but 
Governors of all States must be also exploded, to 
remove rulers. Then which ? Then there is 
Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political 
Boss of each election district. When them is 
erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy gunshot 
wound. They are dead. What next ? Then 
city hall employees, street cleaning department, 
board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 283 

All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have 
forgot to dynamite Hon. Police Department. That 
are a job for considerable chemicals, but it can 
be done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly 
nothing of Hon. Police but smoke & occasional 
brass buttons as souvenirs. What then t Each 
grown man with American moustache arise to 
wife and .say, 'I am ruler of this homested!^ 
Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. 
After this, basso voice of mans is very hard to 
hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except 
small collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all 
running for President on Independent ticket." 

''And what must ensue then.^*" ^gg^^^P^ Hon. 
Anarchist with bomb. 

''Then,'' I snuggest, "country must select 
ruler. Nothing to do but to elect one Anarchist, 
which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anar- 
chists boom bomb to each other till all are minus 
by decease." 

"Banzai!" say Anarchist. "When all are 
thus dead there will be nobody remaining to be 
rulers! Such ideal affairs!!" 

"Such is wrong statistick," I say. "When 
men is all dead, then will be fine politicks for 
Suffergettes." 

Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself 
with groans. When person sets out to explode 



284 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

all Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too 
large Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle. 

Hoping you will be in time for red flag before 
blow-oflF, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — I know it! Last night by street- 
corner Anarchist oratory say-so '' soil of Russia is 
wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry." 
Maybe that is trouble with Russian bombs. H. T. 



XXXI 

ENJOYMENT OF HUNGER AMONG POOR MANS 

San Francisco, October i8th. 
To my friendship companion^ Editor New York 
newspaper^ which is a very warm thing. 

Dear Mr. — When Hon. Taft make Preseden- 
tial Speech to idle labouring classes in N. Y. of 
recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up 
following question to know: 

^' How can I get job and food when I have not 
got it?'' 

Hon. Taft, which had been answering with 
prompt delivery such fearful difficult questions like 
" How to shut up the Tariff ? '' '' What was dying 
speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson V ''Was Hamlet 
insane .r^'' etc., make moment of solum hesitation 
before large simplicity of that Hungry Man 
question, 

^' How can I get job ^ food when I have not 

got itr' 

For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause 
wiping dew-drop from neck, then, standing 
seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following 
famous reply, 

285 



286 LETTERS OF A 

"God knows!" 

Mr. Editor, I don't not believe that Hon. Taft 
referred that reply to higher authority because of 
ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind & 
wise Judge of considerable practice — then why 
he not able to answer in 64 seconds that Question 
what labouring classes have been enquiring to 
know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, 
Asia & Africa for 64 centuries ? How can he be 
very nice President for these U. S. if not ? 

May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious 
brain-thought to this problem before nomination- 
day. If he is too busy with himself to do it, 
Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, 
please at once and read editorial-page of Hon. 
Hearst, where all Great Questions, including 
marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, 
religion, horse-racing, etc., is answered to delicious 
satisfaction of all persons who read nothing else. 
Hon. Taft would not say ''God only knows!*' 
after such instructive course of reading. 

But in the meanwhile, what have happen to 
that Hungry Man ? If he is still waiting for meal- 
time he must be enjoying considerable Social 
Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are 
very affectionate chumbs. Hon. Wilshire have 
heard of this Hungry Man question "How to 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 287 

get food when not got it?'' and Hon. Wilshire 
answer with considerable speed, "By changing 
the Existing Order of Things/' That is very 
intelHgible reply, but I ask to know: Can that 
Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire 
changes Existing Order of Things ? 

There is considerable conversation to be 
heard about changing Existing Order of Things. 
Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman 
what would change Existing Disorder of Things 
would receive more solid Japanese Vote. 

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthu- 
siasm, deploy, ''Hungry Man can enquire of 
Charity for it." 

I make considerable banzai with laugh. 

"Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets 
for sculptors to make," I allude. "Persons must 
have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain 
some Charity out of them organizations of it." 

" How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries 
for it .?" ask this Anazuma. 

So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn- 
tale of charity while he was putting hair-cut on 
my head : 

Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, 
suddenly become unemployed by no job. He 
would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but 
he is not required there, thank you. So he soonly 



288 LETTERS OF A 

begin enjoying hunger & faint symptoms of 
esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. 
In midst of promenading he observe one intensely 
beautiful sky-scrape palace with sign on it 

" ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.*' 

^'Oh ha!" say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. 
"I will apply myself to this charitable place and 
require some of it." 

In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet 
him to enquire, 

''Name, if convenient!" 

*'I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful 
at dough-baking." 

''This is very wrong doorway for bakers," 
collapse Elevator Man. ''Apply to trademan 
entrance." 

So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey 
go, where he is collided by Hon. Janitor. 

"What suffering from.?" declaim this Hon. 
Janitor. 

"I am enjoying hunger," signify this Hon. 
Casey. 

"What degree of hunger ?" he inquire to know. 

"Thirty-third degree, please," pacify Casey 
who is sure of it. 

"Have you one Doctor's Certificate to prove 
such a conditional appetite .f^" decry Hon. Janitor. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 289 

"I have neglected to get!'' profess this Casey. 

" Then go get ! '' say Janitor. '' Come back next 
Wednesday-noon with doctoring Certificate to 
prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver 
references from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that 
you are financially responsible.'' 

Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door. 

Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope 
waiting for Charity to arrive by Wednesday- 
noon. That day he apply again to Janitor of 
Organized Magnate Charity. 

*'Have you brung them certificate.?" demand 
that stern office. 

"No, not to do, because I feel foolish to," say 
Hon. Casey. 

"If you feel so foolish," say Hon. Janitor, 
^^apply for ade to Home for Feebly Minded." 
So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful 
Casey. 

"What required, please?" say lady matron of 
that weak-thinking place. 

"Something to eat it!" demand Hon. Casey. 
Matron of soft-memory headquarters look very 
severe with face. 

"Why did you not require at Organized Mag- 
nate Charity Co. for it ^^ 

"I done so, please," say Casey. 



290 LETTERS OF A 

''And what of?" collapse Hon. Matron. 

''They treat me like dog!'' say him. 

"Quite well/' deploy Hon. Madam. "Then 
you should apply to Society for Prevention of 
Cruelty to Animals for helping aid." 

Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but 
is kept outside with other sickly dogs while fash- 
ionable millinary inside listens to lecture on 
"Crimes of Vivisection." 

What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which 
is becoming impatient ^ Where he go to obtain 
job of situation ? When man ask for work in 
Pennsylvania they say, "Go to California." 
When he inquire for employment in California 
they decry, "Go to Arizona." When he report 
for job in Arizona they proclaim, "Go to Blazes!" 
But by this time he no can do, because car-fare 
is too exhausted to continue travelling. 

Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might 
burst in some bank — but what would he find if 
he did ? 

I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned 
Bootpolish, who is a very thoughtful caretaker 
for shines on all feet with no extra charge for 
tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pro- 
nounce "Frank" in America-language, is called 
Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 291 

Nearly every u in this name is pronounced silently, 
please, which make a very delicious noise for all 
Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot 
neglect business to finish such words: therefore 
they say "Frank,'' which is good short-order name 
for Christians to use. 

This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, 
come to me yesterday to use my room-rent. 

"One million mans is now idly looking for 
work,'* he-say. 

"In what city.^" I require to examine. He is 
hesitated by confusion. 

"I am neglectful to enquiry," he profess. 
"Maybe it was in New York or Chicago. It is 
difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much 
idle population." 

"Figures is habitually truthful," I suffocate 
in kind voice. "Therefore it is important to 
discover how to obtain jobs of employment for 
them 1,000,000 mans." 

"Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to 
idly wealthy classes," renig this Frank. "It 
would be insulting to offer them jobs of employ- 
ment." 

"I am relieved to hear," I report. "It is our 
duty, then, to find work for merely 850,000 human 
persons who are not now doing so." 

"This is not hardproblemb for2 bright Japanese 



292 LETTERS OF A 

Boys to answer," promote that Hon. Frank 
sharpening pencil. 

So with immediate quickness we find employ- 
ment for them 850,000 workers by following 
statistick: 

100,000 is to have jobs on Police Force which is 

never sufficiently enough. 
250,000 is to be joined to Stand-up Army which 

Gen. Hobson requires to fight Japan or 

any other friendly Power. 
75,000 to be kerosene-sprinkles & encourage 

mosquitos to race-suicide. 
100,000 to be Bill-collectors & take fines away 

from Quelled Corporations. 
50,000 circus-riders to join Roosevelt's Rough 

Officers' Class. 



575,000 for sum-total who we have got jobs for. 

That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which 
Frank refused to find for them because he was 
enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have 
did some kindness of act for them, but could we .? 
If Hon. Taft, when asked ''How shall able-body 
worker get it.?" must reply for answer "God 
knows!" is not Japanese Boys excusable for for- 
getting a few thousand ? 

Them 275,000 workers might do digging opera- 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 293 

tions on Panama Canal, but would they ? Climbate 
is too much miasma down so low in the map. 
Hon. Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how 
that Hon. Roosevelt might move Panama Canal 
to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. 
This is a very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore. 

If them million mans is idly unemployed is it 
fault of America because ? Many American 
patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked 
government are persons which comes from Baltic 
provinces of Russia where common people is not 
wonderfully successful about governing therselves. 
Can Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from 
them persons which is only happy when enjoying 
misery ? 

Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any king- 
dom to have 1,000,000 mans idly unemployed. 
Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is 
all to blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. 
Maybe so it is. In great Christian country like 
this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the 
law ''Thou shalt not steal." Panick of fear is 
apt to follow with general shut-up of factories, 
trust companies & other religious institutions. 

Hon. Forker say, "This kingdom need some 
new President what will restore publick Con- 
fidence." 



294 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Such brightness of idea! Let us have get- 
together and elect Hon. Forker so that all publick 
Confidence Men can be restored to power! 
Hoping you will be one of them, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — If you have got anything & wish to 
write it to me by letter, my address of residence is 
as following: 

H. Togo, 

Patriots of Japan Boarding and Lodging, 

Near Water Front 

Back room by Kitchenette 

Care Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, San Francisco, 

Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, 
which is one sweet schoolfriend to me, will poke 
it under door till I return from permanent seek for 
employment. 

H. t. 



XXXII 

THE ALCOHOLIC TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT 

San Francisco, October 22d. 
To Editor of New York Newspaper which is 
often read by all Japanese who can afford 
it J I assure you. 

Dear Sir — I am given to be told by some 
wise Editors, etc., that these U. S. is now enjoying 
the temperance of Prohibition in many States and 
more too. Although I can not notice such a 
movement in this street, perhaps it is slightly true. 
In several sections of this kingdom whisky- 
drunking is becoming unknown by law, salooners 
is quitting that sinfulness & all bar-keeps is 
retiring from that public office. In South, army 
of reform is playing " Marching Through Georgia'^ 
on water-pitchers. Is this a truthful news what 
I hear '^, I enquire to know, so I can go there, 
please. 

By newspaper print I read this early morning: 
^^ Wave of temperance against salooners is creeping 
in direction of New York." First I greet this 
with glad banzai, then I am depressed of thought. 
Wave of temperate prohibition is on road to New 

295 



296 LETTERS OF A 

York, but will it arrive there ? And if it should 
do this, what will happen to it when got there ? 
That is problem for Japanese Boy. 

And yet I am earnest to say it. Prohibition of 
drunk is a comfortable blessing to demand, 
because it is very difficulty for white persons to 
be tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, 
Swedish, Italian & Jewish is most useful for 
calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is 
also too patriotic when enjoying bun-bun. 

In the great cities of America where persons 
is brought together for living over each other by 
sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil the 
low layers of society. Labouring classes stop 
being it because of alcohol poison and other 
ingredients to be found in it. Labourer so 
poisoned can not support dear wife & child 
because he is resting in jail for what he done. 
This is especially true of Chicago. 

Tip-top layers of society also enjoy poison from 
this liquour curse, but they are less pitiful because 
they do not rest in jail. Salooners must not be 
forsaken by wealthy persons because these can 
still be respected when least respectable. But 
salooners must be closed up from low layers of 
society which must continue to work and keep up 
appearances of great city. If not these, who would .? 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 297 

Whisky is divided into four kinds of bottle by 
following statistick: 

1. Whisky of Scottish descent to be drunk 
standing up. 

2. Whisky of Irish descent to be drunk setting 
down. 

3. Whisky of American nationality to be took 
in bed. 

4. Whisky of patent medical origin to be took 
before death. 

None of these beverages must be taken 
without family physician. Alcohol do most 
injury to cities. In country districts it is less 
harmful because there is more room for it to 
stampede. 

At the Sunday school of which I am a member- 
ship to learn languages, etc., we there have Jap- 
anese Boy Temperance League which meet every 
Tuesday night for prohibition conversation. I 
attend to this meeting regularity, because free 
lemonade of delightful sourness is furnished free. 
Hon. Miss K. N. McGee, Christian lady of light- 
weight beauty, come there to teach us how to do 
so. She instruct us in the song-sing melody, 
''Cold Water is the Drunk for Me," and explain 
about the various mocking qualities of wine. 
When she say ''wine is mocker" do she mean 



298 LETTERS OF A 

about some wine which is imitation of some other 
brand ? She does not answer to reply. 

She say, "Mr. Togo, you must not drunk any 
drink however mild, because this lead to stronger 
and stronger yet till gray hairs to sorry grave." 

"Do water-drunking lead to lemonade drunk- 
ing .?" I require. 

"Maybe so it might," she otter. 

"So thus, do lemonade-drunking result for 
soda-water thirsty ^ " 

"Perhaps is," she contradict. 

"Then if, do soda-water collapse to ginger-ale 
tonic .^" 

"I signify it." 

"And this then: Might Japanese Boy what 
is raised by ginger-ale crave for beer-drunking 
from this .r*" 

"I am dangerous to reply," say this Hon. Miss 
McGee. 

"So sorry to hear!" I terminate. "Because 
weak-drunk lead to strong-drunk, strong-drunk to 
powerful-drunk — and yet you say it! What 
for you teach Japanese Boy 'Cold Water is the 
Drunk for Me' .? Water lead to lemonade, 
lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, 
ginger-ale to beer-glass — sakes of living! What 
to do with this thirsty ?" 

"Togo," she commute, "you are too foolish 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 299 

to learn what of. This evening-time when 
lemonade is pass around you must avoid it because 
too tempting." 

I listen, and yet I will not do so. 

The reason why I make disagreeable argument 
about the temperance is not because I do not 
believe it is good for all human animals. O no! 
It is most best blessing for those communities 
which desire to be cleanly and modern plumbing. 
But why should this hon. lady be so Christian in 
the way she say it ? Can only Christians be 
prohibition ? What about heathens like I am-so 
who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp .? 
Must they accompany this quietness of thirst 
with song-sing about cold water .? Answer is, 
No! Many heathens is very abstemperous 
of stomach. Many Christians is not. Many 
Christians when become filled up with alcohol 
feel obliged to make crimes including boastful 
talk which lead to murder of something. Will 
driving out of salooners in business do good for 
those bad persons I I hope to be. 

To enquire about what will happen to salooners 
when drove out I go to Hon. Strunsky, Irish 
gentleman who conduct saloon. 

"Honourable sir," I magnify, ''if the legal laws 
pf this San Francisco become prohibition, so sorry 



300 LETTERS OF A 

for you! What would you do with this saloon 
to make profitable wealth from it ?'' 

''That is easy to reply/' say Hon. Strunsky. 
''I would turn it into a drug store.'' 

I am shuddering when I think of that deceptive 
man. 

I have obtained a slight job of employment 
waiting on table-board of Fujiyama Restaurant, 
H. Sunigawa, Prop. This profession give me $2 
weekly sum, also three times daily to eat it. 
As addition to money sum I receive ^i weekly from 
my cousin Nogi to help him do Japanese spy 
work. From this sum of $3 weekly pay I expend 
it away as following: 

Schoolbooks which I can not borrow .55 

Cigarettes & other dissipated joys .15 

Shoe-strings & neckties .20 

Contribution to church when necessary 05 

Car-fare for Japanese ladies .45 

Poker-playing & music .26 

Total of this $1,66 

After this money has went you can count it, 
Mr. Editor. I have to keep $1.34 of weekly cash 
which I will save together for sufficient boat-fare 
to go back Japan. Maybe I will not go at that 
time — if so I will do something else and get 
married. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 301 

Of evening time I am frequent to attend lectures 
where I learn facts of intelligence very cheap. 
Last night I go to speech of Dr. O. Sumuchi, 
Japanese surgery, on subjeck of '^Alcohol Inside 
of People.'' Hon. Dr. Sumuchi had most beauti- 
ful lecture because of magic-lantern showing 
human stomach under surprised conditions. 
Following charts was showed during lecture: 

No. I. — Pink of colour. Exposure of stomach 
during calm moments before alcohol has got there. 

No. 2. — More red of colour. Exposure of 
stomach which enjoys happy, smiling expression 
because alcohol have arrived. 

No. 3. — Angry mix of colour. Exposure of 
this stomach when alcohol have remain there 
too long for polite welcome. Stomach now enjoy 
angry rage and desire to quit. 

No. 4. — Colour of Scottish plaid. Exposure 
of stomach when alcohol have continue to do so 
too late. I am sorry for this stomach because it 
look so brilliant, yet feel so dull! 

Dr. Sumuchi say so about that stomach when 
so fanciful from decoration of aclohol. He say, 
"Such stomach is so satisfied by alcohol it will 
burn up by striking match to it." 

"Persons enjoying such a stomachs must avoid 
swallowing matches," is answer of Japanese 
Schoolboy. 



302 LETTERS OF A 

This IS translation from Japanese temperance 
legend : 

Some time back in astronomy before the 
world got a very good start and homely giants 
of disgusting profile was employing timber-trees 
for tooth-pick, there reside in high top-mountain 
one bad Drink Dragon. Now when that there 
Drink Dragon got thirsted he was a very serious 
snake, thank you. When them giants would hear 
one grand roary-sound from mountain they would 
make considerable eye-wink and decry, ''Hon. 
Dragon is enjoying trouble!" 

One morning by daylight this great Worm 
made landslide down mountain in search of some- 
thing with which to squelch his thirsty. Soon 
again he come to Hon. Ocean and snuggest, " Good 
morning, Mr. Ocean, I have came to drunk you 
up, please." 

Then Ocean laugh considerable joke. " This 
is pretty wrong place for thirsty Snake to come 
for gobbly rejoicing. I am great Prohibition 
Wave. Nothing to do, Hon. Serpent!" 

Then this Drink Dragon throw fire-engine 
sparks from his gills making earthquake and he 
go at that Hon. Ocean to devour it up. And 
Ocean, with cyclone of storms, rise up on back 
legs to meet Hon. Dragon. One, two! they 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 303 

arrive together! Such mixing of destruction, 
such powerful struggly! Ocean make hiss on red- 
hot steam-pipe of Dragon and this Serpent make 
hot stew of Ocean. O great jiu jitsu! First 
Snake push Ocean to moon, then Ocean drag 
Dragon to North Pole. But finally, when both 
is tired out, Dragon say, '' Excuse it, Mr. Ocean, 
while I scratch my eyebrow." And while Dragon 
was doing that peaceful act, Hon. Ocean took 
mean advantage and goUup Dragon to deep- 
down bottom. But he was not dead. Oh no^ 
thank you. Snakes is not slewed with this quick- 
ness of speed. Ninety-nine thousand years 
relapse and Dragon swim up, one day, on wave of 
temperance. And this time he is called Sea 
Serpent and is permitted to remain, please. 

Moral for this tale is thus: 

Water-Wave can not drowned Drink Dragon, 
but it can cause very unhappy feelings for that 
brutal beast, thank you. 

Hoping you are the same. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXXIII 

THE SALOON IN OUR TOWN 

San Francisco, October 28th. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who offer prize 
to letter-writer what can tell storey of best 
Drunk and can prove it. 

Hon. Dear — In our town resides many 
Saloons; and when you have saw them all you 
will be surprise to find there is several more just 
around corner. Many of them Saloons can be 
told apart by looking at them. Some of them 
is paint bright & goddy colour of a ottomobiles 
with screeches at doors where they are red & 
purpal. Drunkerds what see that mad-coloured 
outside must go inside & forget it. And when 
they are inside they must stay there long time for 
nervus collapse. When they are inside they 
can't not see the outside — and in such a state 
who knows what ? 

Other Saloons is managed with entire plate- 
glass and completely wooden polish all over it to 
make deceptive resemblance of First National 
Bank, so that refined drunkerds can go there 
with a stock-broke feeling. Such Saloons require 

304 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 305 

a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty 
civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incom- 
plete if they ain't got over Hon. Bar a horbly 
artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the 
way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered 
her. She got a hansom gilt frame around her 
and nothing else. All them portraits cost ;^io,ooo 
apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so. 

All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception 
of Hotels which has a okestra. Americans which 
wishes to become drunk in silence must join a 
Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his 
phonograf play "I Am Long about My Old 
Contucky Home" because he wish to serve 
sweetheart influences with his beer; but Hon. 
Sheehan on opp. corner make his phonograf play 
"Happy Widow Waltz" and "We Won't Go 
Home in the Darkness" because he-say drunkerds 
often gets stingy & reforms when they hears 
homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink 
to drown trouble, Hon. Sheehan say they drink 
to cause it. Both are good ways to know. 

Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give 
me temporarial job of work to help persons get 
drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. 
But I learn how-do while I was. In salooning 
whisky-drunk are applied to them for price 



3o6 LETTERS OF A 

$A0 and beer-drunk for price ^.05 eech goblet. 
Green persons unacquainted with salooning have 
suppose it would be cheaper for drink beer at ^.05 
for one long quench when whisky cost twict as 
much for i tinty small splatter of. But such is 
truthless. One (i) small jounce from whisky 
contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up 
gobble full of beer. Howeverly, iced drunkerds 
perfers beer because of pleased trickle. 

I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at 
Strunsky saloon, because I are not sufficiently intel- 
ligent; so I must rubb glasv/ares & mop to floor, 
also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which re- 
quire 68 wind-up with squeek about '' Old Contucky 
Home" which please G. W. McCann, prominent 
Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am 
seriously worked to keep this job; and yet I am 
entirely educational about all intoxicants when 
doing so. 

"There is some good salooners and some 
bad," say letter-writer to newspaper. I have 
sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am 
disabled to find such a bad salooner. Whenever 
I speek uply to a salooner for question, "Are 
you such a bad salooner .r"' he answer for reply, 
^'Ah, no! I are an entirely good kind." 

"Ain't they no such things as Bad Salooners .?" 
I ask Hon. Strunsky for queery. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 307 

"They are some such/' he say for chased 
expression, "but they are horbly difficult to 
discover.'* 

Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good 
Salooner. He acknowledj it himself. G. W. 
McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart Hke a 
watermelon. I noticed it. It are large, but 
often deliciously iced. He are a sweet & liberal 
man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money 
to pay for it. When the poor calls to the bar of 
Strunsky for loan of money he seldom turn them 
off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky 
is full of watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, 
deed of house & lott, and other hardware what 
the poor has left as security. Them sweet 
salooner will never turn deaf eye to want & 
misery as long as want & misery will leave month's 
wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. 
Strunsky. 

This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping 
his saloon clean & full of home influences. He 
don't not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutch- 
ery around place. So when a coal-chuck become 
entire paralysis there, Hon. Strunsky remove 
remainder of wage from pockets of them unforch- 
nate man & he are nex discovered in street. 
When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut in this 
Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly 



3o8 LETTERS OF A 

to a alley full of shadows so he will not die all 
over nice saw-dust floor. 

Last Wednesday while Hon. Strunsky was 
elsewhere talking about it Hon. G. W. McCann, 
prominent drunkerd, come-me sneekretly with 
Standard Oil expression and request I free drink 
as a loving gift. 

''Why you deserve such free gift.^" is question 
for me. 

"I are a large tank-line & therefore entitled 
to occasional rebates/' he betray. 

So I give him considerable goblet of and inter- 
view him for temperance movement. 

"Why do men drink alcohol .?'' are first question 
I make. 

''Because they can not eat it/^ are relapse for 
him. 

"Do whisky-booz do harmful injry to interior 
when took in excess .f^" I repent. 

"Suppose so/' smack he, "59 successive 
tumblers are sufficient for a strong man." 

"Are a moderate drunk good for persons?" 
next come out. 

"O sure of!" he negotiate, "I can feel it doing 
so." 

"It are no true joy what leave a dark browny 
taste in morning," I say for David Star Jordan 
expression. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 309 

'^It are no true joy in the morning, but it are 
a very fine imitation of it the night before/' 
commute that sinny drunk. 

"Hon. Horce, famous Roman writer, say-how 
whisky make poets sing," is arrival for me. 

"Suppose he are right," say Hon. McCann. 
"I have often enjoyed singing in ears by early 
morning." 

I make note of this phenomenal. 

"All saloons looks alike to me," regret Hon. 
Drunk. 

"So sad to hear!" I rake out. "Saloons 
is entirely different in appearance. Some is red, 
some pink, some plate-glassed by door to look 
like National-Bank — how you no tell differ- 
ence .?" 

"We cross the bar at different places," he 
report, "but we all come out in the same boat." 

"You regret downly path you took.^^" I ask it. 

" I got no regret, thank you," he reject. "With 
another drink I could beat the world." 

So he go home and beat his wife, as usual. 

In night-time I burst soda-syfen to mirror of 
Strunsky saloon, so I decide to be a temperance 
Japanese & resign before discovery & kick. So 
I go back to my bedstead at Patriots of Japan 
Board & Lodging where I find O-Fido who make 



3IO 



LETTERS OF A 



joy-signal to me by snubbed tail. He are merely 
a doggly pup who ain^t got no soul to skare with 
Demon Rums, etc. He ain't go no ambition & 
are fond of milk. He imagine Hashimura Togo 
are Emperor of Japan, I suppose. I permit him 
to be decieved. 

I remove off my shoes for comfert & took down 
book of Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, for read it. 
I study them soft musick about "Flow gentle, 
sweet Afton'' — and then I think how people 
say-so that he were most greatest Poet when most 
drunk. Maybe-so he were; but I never seen no 
drunks act that way around saloon of Hon. 
Strunsky. 

When — of suddenly — come rap-tap at door. 
And inwards arrive Bunkio Saguchi, fly-away 
Japanese, with jaggly expression of one who has. 

"I wish to give banzai to entire human race to 
include Nick, Zar of Russia, who are merely a 
mistake,'' gollup Bunkio. "I wish to telegraf 
happy greet to all politicians in & out of office to 
include Col. Guffey, who " 

He make set-down to floor because he think it 
was a chair. 

''You are in a toxic condition," I dib frownly. 

"Many persons are most intelligent when so," 
he motter. 

" Many persons are least so," I flap back. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 311 

"General Grant, great leader, enjoyed spells 
of drunk," say Bunkio for argument. 

''Alexander the Great enjoyed allepeptick fits," 
I smoke up, ''yet every person what takes a snasm 
cannot conker new worlds." 

"Many a battles has been won by gin-wine," 
rasp that jaggly boy. 

"Battle of Mukden were not," I dib. "In 
them battle Japanese was full of banzai, Russians 
was full of vodka. To-morrovv^ when you are 
calm some brite Japanese Schoolboy will told you 
who won them famous target-practice." 

I put him in my bedstead & tock under covers 
for wet towel on brow. Soonly he enjoy tear- 
drop of eye & say he was cris-crossed in love; 
then he make good-night for eye-brows. 

Me & O-Fido go take walk & forget such 
scenery. At Oisoya Hotel, Pine St. near Kerney, 
I see several Japanese Schoolboys doing a con- 
versation. 

"To-night I are a Aunty Saloon Leg," I say-it 
by virtuous chest. "But to-morrow I may feel 
better & enjoy slight beer ceremony." 

"Would America be more better without no 
saloons .^" require Uncle Nichi who was there. 

"Perhapsly," I snuggest. "Hon. Rev. Chill- 
worthy say, 'If there was no Drunks there 
would n't be no Murders.' " 



312 -JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

"Occasional Murders makes life briter," 
reflact Cousin Nogi. 

"If there was no saloons there would be no 
crime," say Arthur Kickahajama. 

"There would also be no fun," say Sydney 
Katsu, jr. 

"There would be no poverty," say Frank the 
Japanned Boot-polish. 

"There would be no trusts," say I. Anazuma. 

"There would be no enthusiasm," say Sago 
Jokai. 

"There would be no insane asylums," say 
Albert Sudekachi. 

"There would be no Poets," say Hashimura 
Togo. 

If the saloon must go, Mr. Editor, see that it are 
put away in some convenient place. I ask it. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 




;ii-v^ x^/v*. 



^ ^ /-^ 



' 'O, sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this 
morning, thank you ' " 



XXXIV 

ELECTION DAY 

San Francisco, November ist. 
To Editor New York Newspaper who have been 
frequently nominated to he President by loving 
Japanese subscribers; but he must refuse 
such jobsy thank you^ because too busy with 
ink-pen — and he would rather write than 
be President. 

Hon. Mr. Sir — Election Day are now within 
short gasp of here & all Japanese Schoolboys 
of my acquaintanceship are running back and 
forthly. Symptoms of tense patriotism for them. 
I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, have pasted in 
window-pain of his shave store 2 portraits of fat 
& famous Americans. On one portrait he have 
wrote following description in Japanese: 

HON. WM. JENNY BRYAN 

He Will Deliver the Nation out of Peril 

On Other fat portrait he have wrote: 

HON. WM. H. TAFT 

He Will Deliver the Goods out of Kindness 

I were a-standing by sidewalk making eye- 
glances at them 2 sweet portraits & choosing which 

313 



314 LETTERS OF A 

to vote for (if Yellow Peril could do so, thank you) 
when uply come Arthur Kickahajama with sad- 
dogged expression of dizzy heart. 

''Hashimura Togo/' he unpack, "why you gaz 
at them 2 Presidents with rapture of ears ?'' 

''Soon one will be elected," I apply, " & then 
troubles of this Kingdom will be all over." 

" Over ! ! " dib Arthur Kickahajama for shreech. 
"Over! ! !" He make thrills of knuckles which 
are sure symbol of allepeptick fits. 

Then he drag from interior pocket of coat some 
rippings from newspaper-press which he read me 
with hearse voice. From Daily Hootj violently 
conservative Republican paper, he read as 
following: 

" *If Bryan are elected ruin will be enjoyed everywheres. 
Heaven are expected to fall any minute. Corn will refuse to 
grow in Kansas & National Guard will be called out to make 
it do so. In South niggers will be darker & more lynched. 
Hens will neglect to surrender their eggs. America will be 
considerably cursed. Election of Hon. Bryan ^should be cause 
of great national funeral.' " 

'' So glad to hear this in time/^ I riggle. " There- 
fore I shall vote for Hon. Taft if I could." 

Arthur for glum read following editorial from 
Daily Rioty seriously Democratick hand-organ: 

" *If Taft are elected America will quit. Common People 
will be scrunched by drowntroddery. Truth will also receive 
hourly chops by ax. Kings will appear everywheres riding in 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 315 

automobiles. Daily excursions to Siberia will be enjoyed by 
masses. Groans. Right of free speeches will be denied to 
Henry Watterson & bloodshed must therefore ensue. Patriots 
will grunt with deranged hair. Election of Hon. Taft should 
be cause of great national mourning.' " 

''So sad!" say Arthur, "America must therefore 
go to complete doggly smitthrine on date of 
Nov. 3." 

''Are they no way to escape this V' I alarm with 
face. 

"Only one," commute Arthur. "Perhapsly 
Bluejean V. Debs might be elected by mistake." 

Mr. Editor, I go way from Arthur full of damp 
thoughts about Election Day. I go to grassy yard 
of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds complete 
gentleness, and there I work my job assisting 
shrubbage to grow for ^i .25 weekly payment. My 
dog O-Fido company me there & are entirely use- 
less, as usual. While I are to work soothing her 
lawn with rakes I are continually thinking for 
selfish brain: "If I merely had i day lie-off from 
work I might do something to save America." So 
I wish I could & O-Fido agree with snubbed tail. 

Soonly come Mrs. Lusy Macdonald in dainty 
pink rapper which look like 3 queens. Angelick 
expressions for her. 

"Togo," she say-it, "have you got a ill to look 
so languish ?" 



3i6 LETTERS OF A 

"O! sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brain-' 
ache this morning, thank you," are complain from 
me. ''Could I not obtain a lie-ofF from Work, 
thanks so much, please.^'' 

"Why so you require such a lie-ofF .?" are burst 
from her. 

"With sufficient leisure I might save America/' 
I mention. 

"Such worthy thought!" she relish. "Therefore 
you are permitted i day lie-off from rakish labours 
on lawn." 

I make back-away with humbel bows. O-Fido 
do somewhat simlar. When we arrive to gate- 
post Mrs. Lusy Macdonald exclaim for sweetness* 

"How you shall spent this day of idle enjoy- 
ment, please V 

"I shall spent it in worrying about the ruin of 
America which should occur on Nov. 3," are fuss 
I make & do a vanish. O-Fido do same way. 

So I go to street corner & set on water-plog to 
enjoy sorrow without interrupt. O-Fido devote 
time smelling rats which is not there under 
pavement. 

Near off by lamp-post I see several carpenter- 
mans at work in middle of street a-building i tiny 
house of delicious sheet-iron. It were a awful 
temporary-looking struxure of 6 x 10 architexure. 

Pretty soonly long come one Hon. Police, by 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 317 

name Paul Smutz, who get my affection by arrest 
of Bunkio Saguchi for gin-drunk. I are a proud 
acquaintanceship to this hero. 

*'Such oddy house!" I say-it with points to place 
what them carpenter-mans was a-building. 
"What you call such a cabin in American 
language ?" 

"That house/^ say Hon. Police, "are called a 
Pole." 

"It do not look like a Pole in appearance," 
I otter. "To Japanese Schoolboy it look more 
like a penitentiary for white rabbits." 

"So wicked thought!" say Hon. Police with 
buttons. "That tiny house to which you now 
look at are Palladium of American Liberty." 

"What do Americans do in such a Palladium V 
are next question for me. 

"They votes for Presidents," ollicute Hon. 
Smutz with helmet. 

"So happy!" I say-it. "In them tiny doll- 
cabins Presidents is manufactured by ballet-box 
every 4 years! Were Pres. Roosevelt made in a 
little tin cottage like that .r*" 

"Absolutely similar," snuggest that coply man. 

"I are surprised he did not burst it!" are nota- 
tion for me. 

Silences by Hon. Police. Waggish signals by 
O-Fido. 



3i8 LETTERS OF A 

"How could Hon. Taft be accommodated in 
such a toy temple ?" are intelligent query I make. 

*'Fat candidates gets slim votes in some 
districts/' complain he. 

**What makes Americans more freer than any 
other kingdom .r^" I ask-it because Hon. Smutz 
are not yet savage. 

"Americans is more freer because they are 
permitted to vote," compute them official. 

"So happy Americans!" I snagger. "How 
free they should all feel going to Pole on Nov. 3 
eech with a ballet in his hand to vote it!" 

"They should, but do they.f^" revoke he with 
club. "Many Americans make long journeys 
on Election Day to escape that Palladium of 
Liberty." 

"Could they feel free without that sweet 
privelage.?" I require. 

"They feel most free when they forget it," he 
dub. " I prove this by following tabloid statistick: 

'^ 1 — Out of eech 3 Americans only i Registers. 
"2 — Out of eech 3 who Registers only i Votes 
"3 — Out of eech 3 who Votes only i cares who 
is Elected." 

"How shocky!" I gasp. "By such sinful 
statistick America must be going to doggly bow- 
wow!" (Howels from O-Fido.) 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 319 

''Can not some patriots do something to make 
more votes for Election Day?" are next queery I 
ask. 

"Many of them do/' say he. "Many persons 
votes 5 or 6 times eech election to make fatter 
ballet-box.'' 

"Such noble patriots should receive at least i 
Carnegie meddle," I lapse. 

"They should, but do they ?^^ are repose he say. 
"There will be much gladness of rejoicing shot 
off in this Hon. City for Election Night," he add 
for information. 

" I read by newspaper this morning how Election 
of either Candidates would be cause for great 
national mourning," I reckon. 

"You read the wrong paper," say Hon. Smutz. 
"When announcement of new President are made 
entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of 
July will shoot through. What patriots are not 
already in saloons will be tied together in magni- 
ficent blockade on streets mixed with brass bands, 
tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It 's-Over 
Marching Clubs, automobile axidents & other 
demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musixrk- 
waggons will ocasionally sonter by with all office- 
seekers trying to get on at once. Maddy yalls 
from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board 
announce that another doubtful State has gone 



320 LETTERS OF A 

Republickan, as usual. Rockets. Occasional 
fights to make everybody completely cheerful. 
Fire-engines go by to some joyful blaze. Tele- 
grams arrive. Romp-girls dance along with tickle 
feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President 
are flashy to screen. Bells go oflF confused by 
whissles & drumcore exploded by throats of 
1,000,000 yalling Americans*'*' 

"And v^hat next.?" I enquire patiently. 

"Following this," say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic 
Police, "following this are complete silence for 
4 years." 

And he depart off to catch an excessive auto- 
mobile what done a crime. 

Mr. Editor, it will require more than explosions 
to awake Hon. Washington from sweet sleep 
which will go on for next 4 years. When Asso- 
ciated Press hears slight shock along Patomac it 
will not be sounds of unrest — it will be merely 
snores from happy Congressmen. By time this 
loving letter are there in your post-oflSce, White 
House furniture are already preparing to be sat 
on by another kind of Person. Perhapsly he will 
be a bigger man, but I bet my bootware he will not 
cover so many places at once. In Executive 
Offices a new Voice will kind of quiver & flitter 
through corridors which is used to being cracked 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 321 

by a Real Racket. In Aunty Room outside will 
set distinguished statesmans in awful neat rows 
with eyebrows full of Thought and nothing else. 
Gentleman inside may say, " Prevaricatorius ugly 
lyre!'' now & then, but sound of this curse will be 
less hearty than of yore-time. 

And in that Crowd Outside following sweet 
faces will be missing: 

1 -T- Shaggy Pete, Louisiana guide. 

2 — Harvard football captain. 

3 — Mrs. O'Rafferty, mother of 6 twins. 

4 — Rev. Lyman Abbott. 

5 — Spike McGhoul, heavyweight swat. 

6 — Charles Scribbler & Sons. 

7 — Duke De Buzzi and staff. 

8 — Nero, famous trick elephant from Hippo- 
drome. 

Them features, Mr. Editor, will be seriously 
lacking. Cabinet will come together occasionally 
for slight confap but it will seem quiet, like 
directors' meeting of Ice Trust. Treaties will be 
made in sneeky gum-slipper manner. Panama 
Canal will be finished & nobody will know it. 
New President of America might declare war 
between U. S. and Germany with less dramatick 
effect than Hon. Roosevelt got by chasing 3 boys 
off from White House steps. 



322 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Next 4 years will be healthy climbate for old 
persons & delicate children. People will live 
longer but not so much. And what will happen 
to us in 1912 ? Hon. Nick Longworth will explain 
with American eye-wink! 

Thou, too, climb on the Ship of State, 
Climb on, O happy Candidate! — 
And favoured Nations shall proclaim 
The deeds of You who drag to fame 
Your good-for-nothing Running Mate! 

Hoping you are entirely aware. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 

S. P. — Banzai! America fleet reach Tokyo 
and international friendship are glued together by 
sticky ceremonies. Most sweetest exercise of all 
was when them 10,000 Japanese school-children 
sing, "Hail Columbia, Jappy land!^' 

H.T. 



XXXV 

FALL HATS AND THE LADIES INSIDE OF THEM 

San Francisco, November 6th. 
Editor New York Newspaper who must wear 
grandy Robe of Literature &" Science embor- 
deried over with tucks Sff jounces which 
represents Art; but he must also retain a 
calm Derby Hat to make himself sensible in 
order to do so. 

Dear Sir — If my Uncle Nichi would not go 
roundy town seeing America he would not come 
home & talk about it. I should like to remain his 
afFactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence 
his bald hairs because he are my Ancester — but 
I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all 
them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment 
by clock-time he come to me with Queery & 
when I are giving sweethearted reply he are pre- 
paring another Enquire for answer. Only a 
mean dib can plug his voice, thank you! 

"I observe something,'* he say-me yesterday 
because he think he did, "I observe it how female 
women of America is entirely beasts of burden.'* 

"That are something to observe/' I deploy. 

323 



324 LETTERS OF A 

''Where they carry them beastly burden, please, 
if proper ?" 

''I observe it,'' he remain, "how they carries 
them burdens in enormed & sometimes over- 
bearing quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly 
ladies of minus 126 pounds of complete frailness 
is seen totering from walk to walk with awful 
monstry platforms on their skull while on top side 
of this are piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, 
window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood, office sup- 
plies, general groceries, flours & other provisions. 
What you call them platters full of merchandise .^" 
require Nichi. 

''Would you get amazed if told .^'' I ask it. 

" I shall attempt to,'' he report. 

"Them platters," I say slow for gentle break, 
"is called Hats!" 

Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it. 

"In Japan," he tangle, "they would be called 
roofs. Such a Hat are sifficiently sized to sup- 
port a entire family." 

"In America," I falter, "it oftenly require a 
entire family to support such a Hat." 

Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy 
man and got a faint nerve. 

"I will told you more," I revoke. "Those 
Hon. Hats is pinned on to them Ladies what for- 
get how painful they feel & drag them from places 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 325 

to places with smile of sweet resign. They are 
even happy while wearing them because they 
Imagines something/' 

"What could they Imagine after that?'' are 
enqueery for Nichi. 

"They Imagines they are beautiful!" are 
report from me. 

"Hashimura Togo," rasp them feebly Unc, 
"up to now I have believed everything. Please 
tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to 
swallow too much." 

"When foreigners talk about American Ladies 
they must be prepare to swallow anything," are 
argue I make. "This are customary." 

"Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death 
beneath them awful lids," require Nichi with 
Hearst editorial look. 

"Such are the untruth," I let go. "Them 
Hats is frequently more lighter than they looks 
by appearance. Although they are huje enormal- 
osities amassed all over outside with riotous 
debree, yet they are kept light by fact that there 
ain't nothing inside of them." 

"What-so!" say Nichi. "Ain't them Ladies 
got their brains inside of them Hats .?" 

"If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill 
such Hats they would wear them much smaller," 
are jount from me. 



326 LETTERS OF A 

"Can we expect something worse soon?" 
suppose Nichi. 

''Of surely we can!" say me. ''In Woman s 
Homely Companion^ stylish paper, I read I page 
of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman 
who sign himself 'Frou-Frou' because he need the 
salary. He make following alarmy prediction: 

" ^Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with 
box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them 
patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which 
is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, 
are now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are 
clumbsy & apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind 
of horble when first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped 
propeller going at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowl- 
edge they look mischievous & expensive. 

" *Many poor girls is making them ^t home after Butter- 
milk Patterns furnished by request & loc extra please. Some 
light ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire 
(which can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for. 

" *By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them 
ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.' " 

''If it was not printed in that Homely Com- 
panion paper I would enjoy a suspicion that Hon. 
Frou-Frou was talking about airships," contract 
my poor Relation. 

''Hats & Airships is very dear cousins," I 
rotate. " But they has some delicious differences. 
Some Airships can't lift nothing — but Ladies 
is often entirely carried away by Hats." 




'*Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,* are smart 
quotation for me'* 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 327 

"Where would they be carried away to?'' ask 
Uncle Nichi, who are studying American jokes 
by correspondence school. 

''To any extreme/' I choke ofF for fear I shall 
hit Uncle Nichi with a angry Dib. So he go way 
for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent 
Questions to ask it. 

Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty 
& suspicious when conversing in print about 
Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent enough 
to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish 
at least i book called "Sneery Thoughts of a 
Snappy Cynick" & sell from 10 to 1,000,000 
copies. This to include several epigrams about 
Mrs. Eve and other famous Parisians. ("What 
are a 'epigram' ?" ask Little Annie Anazuma. 

"A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit/* 
are reply for Japanese Schoolboy.) 

Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many 
novels and speak fluidly in both English & 
American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. 
He-say "A Woman are merely a Woman, but a 
good cigar cost 25c." 

In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet 
Ladies is found growing there in tropickal 
bundance. So you see it are useless to try & com- 
pute the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco. 



328 LETTERS OF A 

Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquain- 
tanceship; but there is a 4th one now which I am 
learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are 
Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire 
beauty, to her I enjoy a tender business relation. 
She reward me ^1.25 weekly for barber her lawn 
& comb it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this 
lady with pathetick expression, because she may 
rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. 
Sometime she bring me tea by side-porch to 
include ginger-snaps & I tell her delicious lies 
about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber 
I am. 

This Lady are very expensive in clothes which 
appear hellish & also include dimonds. She 
obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates 
Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. 
It are a mean revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can 
afford to dress in stile, because she are rich enough 
to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear 
Directory skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if 
she gets one. 

Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines 
are Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age daughter 
of L Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy 
Japanese are too young to be a lady, but she are 
already quite foolish. 

& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss AHce 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 329 

Furioki, wife to my Cousin Nogi. I was once her 
finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my 
engagement to her for spiteful reasons. 

But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which 
I must own up. She are by initials Miss Evelyn 
Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss 
Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to 
do some chumming & other giggles. And very 
oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi 
for borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. 
And oftenly Miss Suki make door-knock for see 
Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally 
there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how 
fox I are. 

By last Wednesday p. m. I get nervus about 
Cousin Nogi & go see him offhandedly. Miss 
Furioki come to door and I make very humbel 
signals to her with derby hat. 

^'I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, 
thank you so much, so sorry I come. Are Cousin 
Nogi inside, thank you .?'' 

"No, he are entirely out!" dib Miss Furioki, 
who despises me earnestly. 

''Then I shall remain, thank you," I say for 
cheerful smiles & take set-down to parler where 
I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in companion- 
ship with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was 
a large objeck to resemble a clothes-basket & 



330 



LETTERS OF A 



them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with smilax, 
ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand 
ofF-side, mouths confused by pins; sometimes they 
make critick faces and speek in milinary language. 

''What you call That what you are doing?'' I 
wander. 

''Intelligent persons calls it a Hat," snip Miss 
Furioki. 

"By Bible you could not wore such a Hat," 
are mope from me. 

"What-say Bible about it.?" require Miss 
Suki who are studying to be a missionary. 

"Hon. Bible say, 'Do not hide your light under 
a bushel basket,' " are all sound I make. 

Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss 
Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty soonly them Hat are 
sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of 
Miss Furioki, who make poze before mirror with 
cowcattish expression. 

"You hide cozily inside," I arrange. 

"It are a very theatrical hat," lapse Miss 
Suki fairly. 

"It look like a famous Play to me," I commune 
for pious regard. 

"What famous Play you meant .?" queery Miss 
Alice. "You meant the 'Jolly Widow .?' " 

"Maybe 'Payed in Full' are Play them Hat 
look like," beseech Miss Suki. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 331 

'^Ah, no!'' I revolve, ''another from them!'' 
''Then which play it look like, if so smart?" 

rasp wife of Nogi. 

"It look like 'The Devil' to me," I assassinate, 

and go out by door. Sound of crashy furniture 

inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl. 

Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. 

Thank her so many! 

Foreigners visiting America for first time is 
expected to say something about American women 
before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince 
from Island of Borneo of recently come over & 
say following statistick about American Women: 

1 — They are naturally very foolish, but are 

less so when educated. 

2 — It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their 

clothes — 

3 — Except in the case of Literary Ladies who 

wears derbies. 

4 — They are awful extravagant. 

5 — They are terrible stingy. 

6 — Many of them has more snippy espree than 

Frenchwoman. 

7 — Many has less. 

8 — They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., 

that it are difficult for a Foreigner to look at 
them without enjoying Lovesick simptoms. 



332 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. 
Editor, with pompadours swole up with pride; 
but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sub- 
Hme said about them are true of every national 
Lady in the entire world — with the exception 
of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the 
custom few them to cut off their noses to spite their 
husbands. 

Hoping you can afford it, I am. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXXVI 

FEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES 

San Francisco, November loth. 
To Editor New York Newspaper which must give 
large Colledge Yall to see such great Yale- 
Harvard feetball combination when Hon. 
Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line. 

Hon. Mr. — I have discovered more yet. 
America are no sooner through making one Loud 
Noise than she are prepared to make another. 
Her screems for Spring occupy BasebalHng; next 
come Presidential Election where every person 
are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; 
soonly following this arrive Feetball when talented 
Colledge Ladds is glued together for chorus of 
howels & rores which you would not believe 
except when it happens. Then America gives 
Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all 
over; but so vainly to think! With immediate 
quickness arrive Happy New Years when the roof 
of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with 
steam whissles. After this who knows what ? 

"You have forgot to put in Fourth of July," say 
Uncle Nichi. 

333 



334 LETTERS OF A 

"That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all 
by itself," are contort for me. 

Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled 
with scandal about feet-ballers & what happen to 
them. I understand how Carlyle Indians would 
be champions of America except for fact that Chief 
Kick-in-the-Head have received something like 
his name; also J back, Hon. Hoopi, have fraxured 
both legs; -| back. Crazy Buffalo, are now in 
hospital enjoying 2 or 3 ribs, & Young-Man- 
Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, famous tackier, have 
come apart & must be sewed together. White 
mans has been entirely unjust to Indians. Not 
satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk 
they now educates them in feetball. The 
Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a 
bursted race. 

In another news-print I read-it how there are 
a general move in America to make feetball 
more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball 
without an occasional murder would be like a 
bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would be 
gentle, but who would come? I require no 
answer. 

Howeverly all grandest California Colledges 
is now playing Rugboy feetball which is English 
& therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can 
be bursted by this way if required. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 335 

Last Saturday in early p. m. I make a very 
stylish appearance to my clothes which in- 
clude frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful 
gloves & whatever shoes & socks are neces- 
sary for most beautiful way to look. With 
such ornaments I could not wear my familiar 
necktie which are getting too shabbed; so I 
borrow one of angry red complexion from 
Arthur Kickahajama who was not there when 
I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness 
loan ! 

With them fashionable haberdash I make my 
joyful footprints go in direction of sidewalk 
where all Japanese what see me revoke, "Where 
would Hashimura Togo go so completely deco- 
rated?" But for answer I make American eye- 
wink & nothing else. 

Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima 
Suki, Japanese carpenter, & there I do rap-tap 
with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long 
time Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire 
youngness, come to knob & look surprised because 
she expect it was me. 

"Kind morning, Mr. Togo," she say-it with 
deceptive expression of a female, "which of my 
Parents did you come to see ? " 

"How many of them Parents have you got, 
please ? " I remove with polite derby. 



336 LETTERS OF A 

"I got two to include i Mother & i Father, both 
enjoying nice health," she response. 

"You are fortunate to have so many," I 
corrode, "therefore permit them to enjoy their 
nice health without disturb from us." 

She do so, thank you. 

We set in parlour & have a few conversations 
& occasional topicks. I get more charms eech 
moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. 
I could throb forever in such lonesome company. 
Pretty soonly I say-so. 

"Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it" 
(such nerves from me!). "Please may we go 
forthly together this afternoon for some sporty 
amusement .^" 

"Where we go to find such a sporty amuse- 
ment?" she dement, tucking away her hair with 
morsel wave. 

"In Japanese Y. M. C. A.," I snagger, "Hon. 
Rev. Chillworthy will speek an entirely harmless 
lecture about 'Onward & Upward for Little 
Missionaries.' We could go there for minus 
expense because it are free." 

Stillness from Miss Suki. 

"You no care for such an excitements.?" I 
ask it. 

"Slightly, perhaps," are response from her, 
"Where else could we go for it ?" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 337 

(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which 
contain 45c wealth.) 

''Trolley-ride to ClifF House & peanuts by 
beach would be somewhat fashionable amusement 
if it w^as n't raining," I snuggest. 

'*Tt might, but would it.^'' are next question 
for her. 

I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such dis- 
couredged talk. 

''To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo," she apply, 
"I got 2 tickets for one Feetball Game which will 
be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be 
chaperone to me for this ceremony.?" 

"I am reckless to try," I cheer up. (For only 
a very fooly person would omit to be chaperone to 
a Angel what got 2 tickets, price ^4.) 

So we go there & seen what was.* 

Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship 
I got how should I attemp to describe such scene 
of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we 
seen for them 2 tickets ? How can poor Japanese 
Schoolboy tell of such delicious race-riot all over 
mud which them heroes plowed with their faces ? 

Therefore I shall do so. 

Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleached 

*Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played by minor 
colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the principal colleges 
there. 



338 LETTERS OF A 

seats between 6 maiden co-eds and 2 coiledge 
boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting 
screems was enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. 
When most fiercest play of feetball happened 
them oldy coiledge boys would strike me in ankle 
with their cane which was a insult. Rainy 
weather & slight westerly showers. 

Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by 
22 enormous boys which are divided equally into 
^ to look even. One J wear stripes & other J 
wears New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. 
None of them Players is allowed to be killed before 
the game begins. 

Delicious mud all over grounds which are good 
to slide on & show how graceful it can be done. 

Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all 
specktaters to include Miss Suki & 10,000 others. 
Talented bowels from all coiledge boys who set 
in bleached seats around feetball grounds which 
is called a Griddle because it look like something 
else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H ! ! ! 

To middle of griddle with brave runsteps come 
II striped athletes followed by 11 blue youths. 
More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon. Feetball 
(which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. 
Whissle from Foreman & suddenly one blue 
youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball 
one very brutal kick which send it to Heaven 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 339 

where it intend to go. Splandid rushing together 
by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. 
Hon. Ball, when he make come-down, are lovingly 
embraced by a striped youth, but one blue youth 
see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud 
with deathly thump. Eech member of both 
teams are now permitted to jump on this young 
man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. 
Foreman holler "Down!" & all are sure of it. 

Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do 
a hospital corps and remove 3 players with limps. 
Banzais from all. Game then go on for all after- 
noon by following rotation : 

1 — Savage ball-kick. 

2 — Wildy rush together. 

3 — Delicious throw-down. 

4 — Everybody jump-on. 

5 — All get off, if possible. 

6 — Doctors collect broken boys. 

7 — More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till 
twilight. 

Pretty soonly when i colledge player of striped 
appearance make grab-up of ball, blue colledge 
boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly 
sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps 
across field; and them blue players get very angry, 
so they chase him with fierce hair. How useless! 



340 LETTERS OF A 

Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & 
Blue Colledge ciy, ^'Shah!^' while Striped Colledge 
cry, "Rah! ^' 

"Oh!! that count 5 for our side/' say elderly 
youth next by me. 

"Why it count 5 when only 2 players was 
killed?" was question I ask-it; but that antique 
child was too busy with banzais for answer. 

So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda 
ceremony, price 20c., where we could be more 
lonesome together. 

"It must require great strength to kill so many 
people in an afternoon,'' she say-it with sweet 
sips. 

"With a ax I could do much better," are reply 
I make. 

This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who 
went to Harvard for study mollycuddling, come 
back here enjoying great damages. I could see 
by the expression of his legs how much they was 
broke; also bandaged elbows indicate smashy con- 
dition & his brain was held together with a towel. 
Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket. 

"O Sydney!" I report, "who done you all them 
delicious injuries you got.?" 

"Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!" he 
dib, pointing to draped eye which was minus. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 341 

"What must a person do to become a Molly- 
cuddle?'' are next review I make. 

"He must first go to Harvard & play on 
scrubbed Freshman team/' explan Sydney. 
" Some mollycuddlish person will say '6 — 11 — 44' 
and toss him a entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard 
are on top of him to include the Library Building 
& Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth 
who are trying to play that game. Finally brick- 
age are removed from him and he are permitted 
to be carried away. If he lives he are a Molly- 
cuddle." 

"Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet 
East?" I announce. 

"Ah, no," corrugate Sydney. "Wildy West 
are more peaceful place to be. I shall follow 
advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, 'Don't be a 
Mollycuddle.' " 

So I leave Sydney resting in arnica. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXXVII 

WILL HON. SO. DAKOTA BE A BLISSFUL 
MARRIED STATE ? 

San Francisco, November 1 6th. 
Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he 
knows what will happen to America next. 

Dear Mr. Sir — "South Dakota are now very 
strickted & respecktable/^ say Cousin Nogi 
with expression of deep glum. "Only choice, 
selected persons is permitted to get divorces there.'* 

"What must these choice, selected persons do 
now to obtain such a privilege ? '' are queery 
for me. 

"A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced 
in Sue Falls must reside there one year & must 
be drunk at leastly f of time. He must beat his 
wife occasionally to prove it." 

"If he pass such examination will he then 
obtain ticket of leave V are next I ask to know. 

"Scarcely already," are corrode from Nogi. 
"Firstly he must possess a certificate signed by 
2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he 
enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, 
that he have allepeptick fits & served at leastly 

34^ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 343 

I year in some good penitentiary. If he got such 
papers he are permitted to be lonesome again." 

"Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such 
a high test/' I submit. 

"Howeverly, many persons will try/' say Nogi 
for knowledge. 

"With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly 
become one of them blissful married States/' I 
dally forth. 

"So sad to think it will/' say Nogi with W. J. 
Bryan elbows. "Thusly are greatest landmarks 
of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue 
Falls, grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers' 
pride, both is being swep away by toothless hand 
of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary 
persons turn feetprints to South Dakota like 
Pilgrum Fathers " 

"Why were a person what went to South Dakota 
like a Pilgrum Father ? " I erupt with voice. 

" Because they both journeyed Westward to find 
freedom, didn't they not?" are request from 
Nogi. 

I get shocky sensation by such news. 

"So sinful comparison!" I reproach. "His- 
tory-book say, 'Them Puretan Parents made 
excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire single- 
ness of purpose.' " 

"Singleness of purpose also makes excursions 



344 LETTERS OF A 

to Sue Falls/' dib my corrugated cousin. "Hon. 
Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.'* 

''I have never found such talk in Webster's 
Dixionary," I imagine. ''What did Hon. Dan 
say about it ?" 

"He-say, 'United v^e stand, divided Sue Falls/ " 
are smart quotation for Nogi. 

"How you obtain such divorce in sweet old 
days?" I exclaim for excitement. 

"Maybe you can imagine it/' say Nogi. 
"Imagine, please, that Miss Alice Furioki, who 
is my wife, got peeved to me because of my 
slouched ways & feeble mind." 

I do so easily. 

"Imagine, please, I say to her, 'Fare-bye 
forever!' & am next discovered on Pullman car." 

"Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a 
ticket .f^" are suspicious question for Hashimura 
Togo. 

"You are permitted to imagine that also/' 
dib Nogi for snub. "I are next discovered on 
main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o'clock p. M. by 
time. With immediate quickness I make feet- 
steps to Court House. It are closed, thank you. 
'Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch 
train .?' I require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. 
'Hon. Justice of the Peace has nice fresh ones/ 
explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running 



/A 







" Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow " 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 345 

I get there quick — but alast! too late. 'My 
husband are away attending funeral of man he 
shot/ say Mrs. Justice. 'Howeverly, you can 
buy choice divorces from Hon. Notary Publick 
around corner.' At home of Notary Pubhck 
I meet Office Lad who say, 'Hon. Boss are away 
setting up with a ill horse.' So I depart off 
entirely nervus about that Divorce I did n't got." 

''What you do nextly to stop being married .?"' 
I compute. 

"Nextly," say Nogi, "I make aimlus wander 
through deserted streets. Despair for me. Of 
suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty 
sign, 

"'divorces while waiting for them — $5 APIECE.' 

^'This are stiff price, but I must. Already by 
news stand are considerable line of 100 Ameri- 
cans talking at each other as if acquainted very 
dearly. I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood 
by, 'Why does them Americans talk together so 
cor Jul V 

" ^It are a family reunion,' collapse Hon. Po- 
lice. 'All of them persons is related to each other 
in some way & another — some by proxy, some 
by regret; husbands twice removed is talking to 
outlaws-in-law. Them tall gentleman with otto- 
mobile glasses is Senator Guff. Lady he are 
talking with are his forgotten wife, now Mrs. 



346 LETTERS OF A 

Billings, who will marry Captain Swift, her chap- 
erone, when both are freed from hated trammels 
they now endures.' 

" ^On what grounds of domestick grief will they 
obtain their divorces on ?' are next for me. 

" ' For ^5,' say Hon. Police who has been in Sue 
Falls for long time, 'for ^5 you can take your choice 
of following grounds: 

*' ' Failure to provide witty conversation. 

"'Baldness. 

"'Coming home chronic late from Lodge, 
such as Elks, Y. M. C. A., etc. 

" 'Not coming home from them places. 

" 'Habit of cracking nuckles. 

" 'Being impolite to ladies. 

" * Being too polite to ladies. 

" 'Expressing grief by snores while asleep. 

"'Reading Sunday Journal & believing it. 

"'Warts. 

" 'Any slight excuse you may think up while 
waiting.' 

" 'Thank you so plenty!' I say to Hon. Police 
and go home by return ticket." 

"You go home without them Divorce!*" I 
say for disappointed quivers. 

"Ah, yes," nibble Nogi. "It are useless 
luxury for poor Japanese to afford it. I could 
buy one slight divorce, but what then.?" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 347 

"That habit are Hke drunking," I approximate. 

''Of surely it are!'' influence my Cousin. 
''First drink are innocent pleasure, but it lead 
to more of and continued. First divorce are 
harmless amusement, next two or three are only 
slight damage to young man — but after that it are 
apt to become afixed habit, and who knows what r' 

So Nogi borrow my collar-button & go off 
for righteous Sunday walk with his wife. Miss Alice 
Furioki. 

Mr. Editor, I am reminded of a mothological 
legend. In awful pre-historick date of Japan 
famous poeter. Obi Obi, were a-wandering 
through crying-willow grove endeavouring to try 
& think up a good poem to write for a magazine. 
While full of ponders of suddenly he seen a Willy 
Sparrow dancing mongst twiggly branches like 
he was suffering from huj jokes. Often & at 
times them maudly bird laugh "Ha-ha!" and do 
a kick & six comick capers. So Obi Obi, famous 
poeter, he tune his Japanese Jews harp and 
enquire with rimes: 

'"Dilly-darrow, Willy Sparrow, 
Why you do such dance & caper 
Like a crazy piece of paper, 
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping 
With a piggly motion giggly 
On that wriggly willow twiggly?" 



348 LETTERS OF A 

And that dafty Willy Sparrow, who also had 
a talent, make laughing tear-drop & reply: 

"Tabby-toby, Obi Obi, 
Thus I flutter, flatter, caper 
Since my Wife I did escape her 
From her scratching feather-snatching — 
Hence my piggly anticks wiggly 
On this wriggly willow twiggly." 

Obi Obi, who are notorious to this day for his 
book full of morals, were shocked talkless by rye- 
bald remarks of them horid Willy Bird, so he flop 
hands to heaven & decry: 

" Wirro-warro, Willy Sparrow, 
Baddy birdie what has flirted. 
Eggs neglected. Wife deserted 
With your cheeping, shrieking, peeping — 
Birds of feather winds should weather, 
Live together whither-whether." 

So this wise Obi Obi he make one delicious 
figger-4 trap & he fill it up with olives and other 
lunch. Pretty soonly that fooly Willy Sparrow 
make hop-down to food — and snap! Catch for 
him. Then very briefly after this Mrs. Willy 
Sparrow, who was hungry & peeved about non- 
support, she make hop-down to trap — and 
snap! Catch for her. 

So wise Obi Obi he gather them two birds & 
he put them in goldy cage together with 2 childish 
eggs of which they was parents. 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 349 

^^Ha-ho!" he say musely (for he were a poet), 
^*It are pleasant to think how I has united them 
quarrly fowels into love-companionship/* 

So he hang that goldy cage in front of his 
Poetry-Shop & invite the entire World to come 
& see them Willy Birds enjoying happiness. 
And all the entire World come that very after- 
noon to observe this Peace Conference. 

But alast! When Hon. World looked it seep 
Mrs. Willy Bird chewing off ear of her husband 
with talented claws. Rawcuss screams. Feathers. 
Applause from World which always enjoy fites. 
Pretty soonly that Happy Cupple retire to op p. 
corners of cage, do some glares & make following: 
song with voice of tough eagles : 

"Yarrow-yarrow! nasty Sparrow! 
Ruffled feathers, noises frightful! 
Always doing something spiteful. 
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping, 
Cacklin', kicking peckin', pickin' 
Like a silly stricken chicken!" 

And when the entire World seen them antick 
they stopped their ears &say: 

'' Perhapsly Hon. Obi Obi do call this Doomes- 
tick Harmony; but it sound to us like the musick 
of hand-saws playing on rusty hinges.'* 

So they retire away. And next morning when 
Obi Obi go-see Hon. Cage, what he find there? 



350 LETTERS OF A 

6 feathers & 2 claws which was still disputing 
with eech other. All the rest of them Sparrow 
Family had disagreed till they were entirely minus. 
Except them infant eggs which was broke. 

So Obi Obi write following epitaph & sell it to 
a second-hand book-store: 

** Hilly-harrows, silly Sparrows! 
When a Poet tried to fix it 
You continued for to mix it 
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping — 
Little birds enjoying jawing 
Perish thus enjoying clawing." 

If Obi Obi, the wisest Japanese for 1,007 years, 
could not make 2 little Willy Sparrows happy 
by locking them together, how can Governments 
& Laws be more successful with people who are 
bigger & more foolish ? Peace Makers is often 
proud because they brings Man & Wife together 
after quarrels. So sad to think! When Man 
& Wife have combattable tempers it do not take 
great talent to get them together; but as soon as 
they resume talking it often require entire State 
Militia to drag them apart. 

Will law what bolish Divorces wipe out house- 
hold unhappiness ? I shall vote for it, if so-do. 
Maybe it will make drunken gentlemen sober 
& lazy gentlemen reliabilious employees for 
more salary. Perhapsly fooly ladies will begin 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 351 

study of intelligence, flirtating will cease & all 
dull children will go ahead of class. Mischief will 
be neglected by old & young. 

Maybe, if Divorces is forbid, girls what marries 
for money will find sentiment & girls what marry 
for sentiment will find money. Maybe tired 
husbands will aid sick wives in dish-wash; maybe 
plumbers will stay home nights; maybe soft 
answers will turn away flatirons. Maybe every- 
body will own a ottomobile. 

& maybe they won't. 

If Jo-Uncle Cannon would pass some nice 
law what would keep persons from wanting to 
get divorced this would be very good-healthy 
for all races, including Chinese, who are human 
in many respects. In England where Divorce are 
most difficult to obtain wife-beating are most 
deliciously common. 

I ask something. Can U. S. Government put 
happy glow & family affection into a house where 
it ain 't ? When Hon. Love flies out of window 
can he be pinched by Police before escape ^, 

I require no answer. 

With immediate hopes. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXXVIII 

THE HON. MARY CHRISTMAS 

San Francisco, Dec. 12th. 
Your Highness Mr Editor which know everything^ 
or know where to look for it. 

Dear Gentleman — I give you the Hon. 
Mary Christmas and hope you will finish it. 
Tell me to know, Mr. Sir, what is so important 
about this festival that Americans make such 
holly-day blow-up of it .^ ''Christmas arrive but 
once annually,'' many persons explain, making 
handshake. Is this peculiar to Christmas ^. Do 
not all other dates arrive annually also .? Then 
why such happen on Dec. 25 as do .^ I ask to 
enquire. 

I answer it, thank you. The Hon. Christmas 
is a great give-away festival for all persons of white 
extraction. Negroes is permitted in this Christmas 
custom, because negroes is always present when 
something is being given away. But Japanese 
can not be Christmas persons, thank you. Why 
so is it ? Because Japanese is all heathens, which 
is not eligible to Christmas present. If Japanese 
would obtain valuable presents on this date they 

35^ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 353 

must become Christians. This is too much trouble 
to do. Is it not more better for Japanese Boy to 
become Christian for Christmas-time and heathen 
for all other purposes ? Thank you, I will try. 

All Japanese living as naybors to me enjoy 
belief in Buddha with exception to Arthur Kicka- 
hajama who is Methodist and W. Furo who believe 
in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W. Chillworthy, 
American missionary, desire to do something to 
us heathen, so he look everywhere and find what 
is necessary. He prepare large Xmas tree at 
Asiatic M. E. Church and go around to all Japa- 
nese Boys with tempting speeches. To me he 
approach to say, 

"Hon. Togo, do you wish to expect valuable 
Christmas present to equal price of 25c? '^ 

"Would this be cash-gifts or merchandise?" 
I report. 

"Merchandise of considerable merit, because 
Christmas presents must be this,'' command that 
Chillworthy clergyman. 

"I would accept such dry-goods," I commit. 

" Very well. Then give me 25c money to collect, 
please." 

"No thank you, Mr. Clergyman, not to do! 
If Japanese Boy give 25c to collect, what graft 
would this Christmas present be of value 25c .f^" 
This question from me. 



354 



LETTERS OF A 



*^Togo, you are heathen, therefore blind. At 
Christmas you will receive get-back of 25c to pay 
for put-up of 25c which you now do. You will be 
generous to give this price, I will be generous to 
give it back. This will be Christmas Spirit and 
keep money in circulation.^' 

So I deliver this quarter of dollar to Hon. 
Chillworthy as price. As reward he invite me to 
Christmas tree for persons of yellow extraction at 
church where I will please to be, thank you. 
All Japanese of S. F. has become Christians for 
this date because free ice-cream will be served. 

Last Christmas date Japanese Schoolboy was 
very recently arrived to America. Therefore I did 
not know about Christmas. My cousin Nogi reply 
that this was annual good-will Peace Conference 
ceremony. Persons having bricks, bottles, shoot- 
guns, stick-knives and all other political convic- 
tions must conceal these under mattrass, thank 
you. Enemies must meet under kissletoe-vine for 
sweet-heart conversation. Therefore I remove 
all firearms, bricks, etc., from my clothing and go 
out to sidewalk where I watch how Christians enjoy 
this great festival. 

I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing 
earth-peace feeling together by drinking consider- 
able whisky. City is filled of sailors, plumbers, 
hack-drivers and other patriots making side-step 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 355 

to each saloon where more earth-peace is poured 
in. Finally good-will become very energetic and 
front of saloon is carried away by excitement. 
Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot 
by each minute until pretty soonly police-gentle- 
man whistle for jailcart and all these Christians, 
broken in several places but making splendid noise 
with songs, is carried away to city lock-in. 

Of course these is very wild Christians what 
make such behaviour. It is more comfortable 
to be tamer Christian and take Hon. Christmas 
home to wife & baby. Such persons get small 
timber-tree from mountain and plant it in parlour 
of home. (Some Christians have not got parlours, 
so they need not feel responsible for Xmas trees.) 
Branches of this tree is used to hang things on — 
glass, tin-ware, clothing, groceries, candles or any- 
thing else that is very cheap & convenient. Then 
alarm-clock is set to get-up family by lamp-light. 
When joy-bell go off all retire to parlour to watch 
Family Father set fire to Xmas tree by light of 
candle. 

All Christians enjoy Christmas with exception 
of fire engine man who is too busy throwing water 
on the insurance. 

It is very hard duty to explain to Japanese 
Infants about Santy Claus, that famous American 
saint which so closely resemble Marquis Ito in the 



356 LETTERS OF A 

foliage of his whiskers. These children enjoy 
great mental struggles because of their heathen 
parentage. Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age 
daughter of L Anazuma, Japanese barber, come 
to me to enquire like this: 

"Uncle Togo/' she resume, "to what extent 
is this falsehood about that Hon. Santy Claus .?" 

"Little Annie/' I snuggest, "I speak you honest 
truth, because you are one childish Japanese. I 
do not believe this Santy Claus is such person. 
Why .? Because I suspect. Presents here, toys 
there, books, albums, jumping-up-jacks, photo 
supplies, sweet confectionary — all these scattered 
with such immediate delivery all at once and 
together — I suspect it can not be swallowed. 
Where would this Santy Claus person obtain so 
much moneys for give presents to all Christian 
children, including small negroes ^ Do Congress 
appropriate this price .? Do Hon. Carnegie donate 
it ? Is Hon. Santy Claus working for U. S. Govern- 
ment or some private corporation ^ I reply. If 
he was working for U. S. Government he would 
not get around so swift. If he was working for 
some Trust he would not give nothing to nobody. 
Therefore he is not. 

"Japanese child, you are not insane to think. 
Forget this tell-tale of American mothology. It 
is too foolish to imagine this Mr. Claus dropping 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 357 

chocolate-creams down each chimney-pipe by 
such wholesale/' 

"No, Uncle Togo/' report this little Annie. 
''It is well known fact that Christians never give 
away presents in that sneak-dog manner/' 

I shall buy chew-gum for this little Annie Ana- 
zuma to eat for Hon. Christmas. 

I am considerably sorrow for civilizedation when 
I make thoughts about this Santy Claus affair. 
Does not American missionary say to Japanese 
Boy, ''Thou shan't not lie.^" Why then is this 
lying-instruction given to American children .? 
Hon. Geo. Washington was disgusted to tell a liar. 
Hon. Roosevelt enjoys faintness after entertain- 
ing such persons. He has frequently spoken to 
Congress about this habit which they enjoy. 
Why, then, does American gentleman donate 
presents to baby and lay all blame for the affair to 
Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to get out of it 
in this way } 

When American gentleman give Christmas 
present to wife he does not blame it to Santy Claus 
because those lady is too smart to believe such 
talk. Therefore he must confess that he done it 
himself. 

In getting civilized all over herself must Japan 
do this Hon. Christmas also .? I do not require 
this, because many Christmas customs is not best 



358 LETTERS OF A 

good for all human races. Therefore Japan can 
get along more quicker without Hon. Christmas, 
which comes only once annually, but stays long 
time. 

To what use is it, I will please inquire, to give 
Japan Baby jump-up-jack, toy shoot-gun, little 
squeak-dog ? Would it not be more improving to 
his tiny brain-thoughts to present him with 
History-books, electrical apparatus, etc, ? Is 
Mother Geese sing-song book of more knowledge 
to kindergarten intelligence as some happy treatise 
for Japanese children like "How to Build a Navy 
in 15 Lessons V I enquire. 

Also this. American young persons employ 
their Christmas holiday for make careless amuse- 
ments like turkey-eat, merrying and flirtating. 
Would it not be more healthy for their souls if 
following program was served for Christmas ? 

8 A. M. — Get up for Sunday clothes. 

8.30 A. M. — Light breakfast of rice & water. 

9.00 A. M. — practise prize-fighting, feetball & 
other simple gymnastus. 

9.30 A. M. — attend lecture on Art, Music & 
Shorthand. 

10.30 A. M. — read together from works of John 
Greenleaf Whittier and relate 6 humoristick anec- 
dotes of Hon. Mark Twain. 

Noon — ^Vegetarian refreshments & light nap till 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 359 

2 p. M. — Mass meeting of all nationalities to 
discuss Universal Peace. 

5 p. M. — Tea ceremony at residence of some 
rich person. 

7 p. M. — Dinner of fish, pickled turnips & 
other holiday foods. 

8.30 P. M. — Attend performance of Ben Hur. 

10.30 P. M. — Retire after sending out Mary 
Christmas cards to all friends. 

This kind of Christmas enjoyment would make 
all Christians more healthy. For Christmas pres- 
ent they would give valuable advice and receive 
choice instruction as come-back. Foreign Ameri- 
cans which now make peace-on-earth by whisky- 
drinking would not do so. By eating Japanese 
food all would escape digestion which now makes 
so many angry groans in bed. Infants & babies 
would not be faked to by Santy Claus. Fire- 
engine man would hitch horse and attend lectures, 
because there would not be no Christmas trees 
to burn down the insurance. Professors would 
have fine time talking and all would be obliged to 
listen. This would be very cheap and natural 
for each human race. 

Whenever I am talked to of giving something to 
merry Christmas people I tell following Japanese 
mothology : 

In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C, there reside a 



360 LETTERS OF A 

notorious Poet name of Washu who remain there 
tranquilly, enjoying blessings of great poverty, 
thank you. Governing thiscity there was a gentle- 
man name of Hon. Mamayuki who was celebrated 
for stingyness and other virtues. On New Year 
day, time of Japanese Christmas-present, poet 
Washu send to Hon. Mamayuki following rhythm: 

"Dear sir, heaven knows you are serene like the stars — 

Therefore do you remember Poets now and then ? 

Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several 
administrations, 

He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good- 
clothes. 

Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several 
Hon. wives; 

Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your 
generosity. 

Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth, 

Is it not 

About time 

That you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated 
sing-songer Washu ? 

I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail." 

Hon. Mamayuki, soon as he receive this poetical 
rhythm, go to barnyard of Palace and there choose 
one camel-horse celebrated for hungry appetite. 
This brutal beast Hon. Mamayuki capture and 
send to Hon. Washu with following w^ords: 

"Little Gift to reward great Poet. Mary 
Christmas !" 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 361 

Hon. Washu see this camel-horse and weep 
thoughtfully. Poets is not given credit for gro- 
ceries in Japan — so how to feed this menagerie 
which was no use to Mr. Washu's profession ? 
Yet it would not be safe for his neck to sell or give 
away present sent by Gov. of Kyoto. Even while 
weeping this poetical Japanese embrace that camel 
pet with one glad thought: Camel-horses is differ- 
ent from plain beasts, because they only needs 
to eat and drink once time eech month! 

"This is great economy for Japanese Poet/' 
make Washu in brain-thoughts. 

But when ist day of next month come by 
them brutal animal begin complaining for lunch. 
Washu enjoy painful thought — but he is brave 
Samurai. So he lead this camel-pet to kitchen 
where greatest poverty ensues. "All which I have 
here you are welcome to and much obliged," he 
say to camel-pet. So he bring out 6 pounds rice, 
72 pancakes, 14 packages tea, 2 bales straw, 9 
yards matting from floor — all these delecatessance 
which camel-horse devour making lip-smack and 
other sounds of great thirst. Now at that time 
there was big drouth in Kyoto and water was very 
expensive, thank you. But this poetical Washu buy 
three barrel of water for that camel-horse at price 
of 2 yen per quart. But camel-pet continue making 
rusty sounds of voice to request more, please. 



362 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

At last when this hon. brute begin to eat paper 
from walls Washu feed him shoes & straw hat and 
commit hari-kiri after delivering following invita- 
tion to Mamayuki, Gov. of Kyoto: 

"Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor Japanese 
Please provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo; 
For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot 

afford to pay for lawn-sprinkler ? 
Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles 

when they have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with ? 
Flour, potatoes, beefsteak, 

Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets, 
B It since Camel came 
I have felt White Elephant on fingers. 
Therefore Washu the Poet 
Goes dead. 

If you look for his address, 
Enquire of Ancestors, 
For it is very cheap to live when you are dead." 

Thank you, Mr. Editor, I am going to be 
Christian on Dec. 25, so as to get back them 25c 
which Hon. Rev. Chillworthy has took. But 
I am going to eat like heathen, think like 
heathen, act like heathen, so that everything about 
me shall remain in good-healthy condition for 4th 
of July, when it is unnecessary to be a Christian, 
thank you. Hoping you get for Christmas present 
what is coming to you, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXXIX 

THE ANNUAL NEW YEAR 

San Francisco, December 28th. 
To celebrated newspaper printers, New York 
Citjy etc. 

Dearest Sirs — We are about to put away this 
1908th year, thank you, because it is considerably 
used up. How many kind thoughts of neighbours, 
young ladies, labouring unions, sickness, food & 
drunk, poems of Hon. Mr. Byron, etc., come to 
this Japanese Schoolboy for sentimental intelli- 
gence to celebrate! O my, so soon this year have 
went! So short of time for 365 days, so full of 
everything what has happened to people! How 
can I speak for tears of voice ^, O happy date of 
Jan. 1st! Persons which are sorry for what they 
done on Christmas can now forget it by turning 
over and over: Give ring-off to old, give ring-on 
to new! 

During this so happy annual that is past many 
National Events has happened to me. Brick-bat 
wound sent by labouring union has swole up, 
thank you, enjoying some agony; Miss Furioki 
which married cousin Nogi loves me so little; C. W. 

363 



364 LETTERS OF A 

Kurashuke, Japanese dentistry, operate on my 
toothache which I shall never pay for; Arthur 
Kickahajama, missionary boy, ruin the beauty of 
my derby hat by wearing it; I must suicide myself 
to hari-kiri on account of O-Fido who create 
expense & only wag about it; I have acquired a 
feetwet by searching for employment which brings 
me the result of great influenza and sneezing in 
hon. nose. All these blessings make Japanese 
Boy forgiving to turn over new leap-year. 

I enjoy suspicious sensation, Mr. Editor. What 
make all-world persons so happy about New Year^ 
day arriving less ^ Because so. Persons say secretly 
in sinful brain-thoughts: ''That last annual year 
were disappointing, thank you. It was good year 
when first made, but considerably decomposed by 
various gentlemans who was to blame. Hon. 
Roosevelt spoil this year with muddy feet-kicks, 
Hon. Rockefeller ruin it by robbery & prayer, 
Hon. Lawson make it sad with considerable foolish 
wisdom. This year may go chase itself, please, 
if convenient. By next New Year time we 
shall not enjoy so many curses. All world shall 
love itself and so on. Japanese shall join hands 
with Irish and population mix-up. Bankers, 
divorces, house-flies, and other grafts shall be 
prohibited by poisoning them. Therefore let us 
order another drunk.'^ 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 365 

"Of what value is this New Year time to Japan- 
ese persons ?'' I compel of cousin Nogi when I call 
to borrow 10 cents, price of Japanese cigarettes. 

''For this/' exaggerate Nogi, ''because is/' 

"Tell me to know, please how?" I exhibit. 

"Togo," cry Nogi, "New Year is for getting rid 
of sin. You have some expensive sin which you 
keep around — shampane, high-food, silk derby — 
New Year fine time to make swear-ofF of this.'' 

"I am ridiculous to laugh," I commit, "what 
expensive sin I swear-off, please ? I am enjoy- 
ing too much poverty to be able not to get 
along without nothing which I have n't not got, 
have I?" 

"One expensive sin you have got which you 
might resolution to get away from," magnify this 
Nogi, "you are educated to cigarette-smoking. 
Swear-off, please. Therefore I will not loaned you 
them IOC you ask for to have." 

Since these conversation I have not called to 
Nogi or Miss Furioki which he married himself to. 
Nogi has got one jiu-jitsu comeing to him. 

However yet, if I am sinful, I shall make some 
fine resolutions to give up many things which I 
have not got. But before doing so I shall be 
thankful to supply for you following review of 
National Events which has happened to this king- 
dom for year 1908th: 



366 LETTERS OF A 

Panama Canal — This will be completed as 
soon as begun. No mosquitos. 

Politicks — Hon. Roosevelt will not be doing 
so much longer. This kingdom have already 
chosen which Democratic president will not be 
elected. 

Warfare — I do not know about this. America 
fleet is out hunting for it. 

Education — Hon. Mark Twain is made laugh- 
ing professor of Oxford, home for English school- 
boys. Humoristick anecdote of that great man 
was enjoyed by all and understood by some. 

Literature bf Art — Much is being done in this 
line, but very little accomplished. 

Socialism — This talk is spoken in many lan- 
guages and require much brain-thought. Some 
delightful speaker say: 

"All men are equal." "Equal to what?'' is 
question from Japanese Boy. 

Business — This is pretty hard to do just at 
presently. 

Athleticks — A game of feetball was played 
between Yale & Harvard this year to celebrate 
the Battle of Waterloo. Both sides won except 
Yale, which did n't. This is fine exercise for 
young students which does not care for death by 
book-study. 

Real Estate — Everywhere good corner lots can 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 367 

be had for prices asked. Skyscrape buildings Is 
acting very valuable Some empty lots still con- 
tinues to remain in Canada and suburbs of 
Nebraska. J. Euro, Japanese hardware, who is 
dead, is renting second story of store to O. 
Jiijuwaki, Japanese undertaker. 

Mr. Editor, because you are conductor of great 
newspaper I desire let you have some news which 
will surprise you. It happen in Japan 2016 years 
formerly. Eollowing is it: 

During that year I say about there reside in 
Hokadate, Japan, very sweet singer name of Obi 
Obi. In order to keep him in good voice for songs, 
which he could sang like nightinglory-bird, this 
man was oblige to take considerable rice brandy 
by each evening. Then he would sing pretty fine till 
stopped byfriends and police. He continue this ex- 
ercise for several years and never get tired out of it. 

Come time to Happy New Years on the day 
before is. Obi Obi declare: ^'To-morrow will 
be January One on which all good Japanese are 
respected to reform theirselves. Therefore to- 
night must be the night.'^ 

So Obi Obi order to house large kag-barrel of 
rice whiskey, together with many friends to hear 
concert. After 2 qts of these was drunken up Obi 
Obi sing very fine from Japanese opera. Friends 




LETTERS OF A 

applause for more and decry: ''Too sorry this 
music-song must be stopped up to-morrow which 
is swear-ofF New Years ! " 

When midnight time arrive, Obi Obi, too tired 
to sing no more, so he fall to slumber under table 
and this he dream: 
/^ He dream that Angel of Dying drop to him out of 

sky and carry under wing one large literary Book. 
"Obi Obi," she command, "these here Book 
is that Life which you been leading around this 
several years/' 

"My sakes!" commute this Obi Obi, "what 

disgusting literary job of writing is put down on 

O^ them pages — such blots and woggly-letters 

%^ with swear-and-tear places all over it! Who wrote 

"^ them disgusting records of life, please Mr. Angel V^ 

\^ "Obi Obi, sweet singer, it was you that done it 

Q all these years you have been songing and whiskey- 

^ drunking," devour that lovely Angel. 

"Then I must have enjoyed great wickedness to 
have wrote my lifetime so badly," retort that great 
man. 

"Yes, you have so," say Angel. "You are 
therefore to die and go to boiling-point on this New 
Year day — come, please." 

"Thank you, Hon. Angel, one more chance for 
Obi Obi, be so kind!" 

"Very well, once more chance," say spirited 



JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 369 

Angel. "If you can wrote in these Book one page 
of neat-writing, Spencerian book-keep handwrite, 
no blotting-marks, then you may die and go 
Heaven/^ 

"Thank you to do!'^ say Obi Obi, & took foun- 
tind pen & wrote once more page in Book of Life. 
But when done — O such bad disgust! That 
page was all blotty-marked with woggly ink- 
splatter letters and orthography. 

"There!" say Angel, "you have wrote new leaf 
on New Year day, and see! It is worse job as 
formerly. Come, please, and die.'' 

Obi Obi look at page and say this following 
philosophy: 

"The reason why so I write it so bumly in Book 
of Life is not because of me, but because of bad 
pen and ink provided." 

Then he wake up with head-split and throat- 
crack symbols of drunkenness. He make groan- 
ing sound and O Yucha San, wife of his, approach 
with that delicious ice-water. 

"It is Happy New Year!" she relate, making 
smiles. 

"Thank you for telHng me so it is," say Obi Obi. 
Then he went dead. 

And them dying words is to be saw on tomb 
which you may visit there to-day, price two sen 
admission. 



370 JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY 

Please to listen what I do with tipewriting last 
night: 

JOYFUL NEWNESS OF TEAR 

O joyful newness of annual year ! 

Oh! 

It is refreshing to watch the daisies sprouting all along the 

eternal cowpath of cities; 
Is it not ? 

And yet I have never saw them do this; 
But still they are to emblify hopeing-feel of New Year. 
Shall I mail you coloured post-card, 

Love ? 

Telling about how Japanese Boy 
Feel fresh ? 

On all gate-posts of American persons is hung emblems 

Of hope for future real-estate. 

All Americans are caming home early of New Year morning, 

And some has forgotten to. 

For New Year has came with legal holly-day 

To put on derby hat, 

To see friends and enjoy excitement of general custom. 

1 bow to Happy New Year, I reverence all them things about it, 
I rejoice, legally, I intoxicate, I syndicate my thoughts to all 

humanity-races — 
And yet, to tell you honest true, 
I do not care much for New Years time, 
Because I do not. 

Hoping you will be more wiser, if possible, next 
annual year and that all persons may be onto it, 
also, good-bye and some to friends. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



31^77-9 



Deacjdified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Sept. 2009 

Preservationlechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 




iiJ^iUtilllHIiil 



